Had my first counselling session yesterday evening, 10 weeks after losing June. Very nice lady. I wasn’t sure how it would work, but the hour went before I knew it. 2 things came out of the session – first I was drained, exhausted so tired, second, I’ve had a terrible day. Very down, very dark thoughts. Missing her so much today that it hurts. Just breaking down and sobbing. The first I can understand, the second, I don’t know if it came from talking to M, or that it’s realising that June is never vomming back. I’m telling myself not to be that person, that dark destructive person, but, can’t control the thoughts we get.
I don’t know what I expected from the session. Certainly not to feel better, but not to feel worse. Maybe it’s too soon, but I don’t want to wait.
Sorry if this is upsetting, but I’m trying to find out if it’s usual to feel worse before it gets any better
Hello Dave. Don’t give up on the counselling if you can manage it.I lost Malcolm six weeks before you lost June so I’m a bit further along than you. Exactly like you, I felt really really sad the day after my first session, although on the day I felt quite a lot better. My counsellor was lovely, like yours but I think they can ask quite searching questions and having to go through all the history feels a relief at the time. So good to be able to voice all your feelings without fear of upsetting anyone . But it’s quite intense and sets you off thinking about everything and reliving it all so the next day your head is full of it all over again. I’ve recently had my second session and , without having to recount all the details this time it didn’t feel.nearly as bad the next day. Still causes you to dwell on it a bit but definitely better than that first one! So stick with it and I hope it helps you. We need every little bit of help we can get at the moment! x
Hi Dave. Like BJane says, don’t give up on it. The first session is always the worst. My counsellor has save me as you can cry, scream, rant, whatever you want. She will never tell you to stop crying. Family are sometimes too close and they want to make you feel better when after 6mths I have realised you won’t. Take it easy and lean on friends and family and please try and keep the counselling on as believe me it will help you.
Dave I have my first proper session on Tuesday. Near the end of my assessment I was able to talk freely and openly about my experience(in tears) and I felt better afterwards. Personally I found the video chat less intimidating than sitting in a room with pretty pictures of pot plants on the wall and the obligatory box of tissues. I felt relaxed in my own home. I am actually looking forward to being able to talk about Frankie without fear of upsetting anyone. I get that counselling isn’t for everyone but worth giving it another session at least. Hope it goes okay for you. Take care💙
There you go Dave, three of us on your back! Good luck Mx
Don’t know where the M came from must be Malcolm offering a bit of male solidariity in the face of three women !
All right ladies, I was married for 45 years so I definately know when not to argue. I feel better this morning and have kept busy, so yes, I will give it another go. I think that yesterday really was a continuation of the sessiojn, talking honestly to M made me articulate things I haven’t said to anyone - at least out loud, and the way I felt is actually my emotions comming through.
(The M is the start of my councellors name…)
Take care all
Dave. As an ex counsellor it has caused me so much upset to see someone who was making progress suddenly stop coming.
In my view there is nothing to beat face to face counselling. I was never a bereavement counsellor because that does require specialised training. If you get on with your counsellor try and stick it out. It takes time and patience to see any real result. If anyone does not feel comfortable with a particular counsellor then find another one. There has to be a trust, and that can take time to build. It is always comforting to know there will be no judgement or criticism, and that nothing goes beyond those four walls. Good luck with it Dave. John.
Strangely M came on the end of my message! Glad you’re going to give it another go, hope it will help you x
Thankyou John.My Counceller is with the local Hospice so is very experienced with bereavement. She is a lovely lady and I was ok talking to her about things I haven’t said to anyone. i will carry on at least for the next couple of sessions. I’m in a terrible place and if anyone can help me I going to take what they’re offering. After all, if they’re being generous and kind enough to offer help to a stranger without looking for reward, they must be a nice person so why would anyone walk away fro someone like that?
It’s going to be hard, but I’ve aleady experienced the worst that can happen to someone so let’s give it my best shot.
I lost my darling wife Tanya to Metastatic breast cancer that spread to bones she passed away nearly 7 weeks ago she was only 51.
I started having counselling shortly after my wife was diagnosed in Aug 2019 which I felt guilty about because it was Tanya going through it.
I have had 2 bereavement counselling sessions & she told me she was leaving so hopefully she will put me onto another counceller which will be hard as have got to start over from the beginning but I do need help as I am struggleing without her we have a soon to be 14 year old Daughter to that I am terrified that I wont do a good job of bringing her up.
I’m so sorry to hear about the very recent passing of your beloved wife Tanya. I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here today, and hope that you get some support. through the community.
You mention that you had started counselling, but your counsellor has left. Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling
Another good place to get support is Cruse Bereavement. They offer a helpline, email support, and counselling and support groups through their local services: 0808 808 1677, email@example.com, http://www.cruse.org.uk/bereavement-services.
You also mention that your daughter will soon become 14 years old. She must also miss her Mum terribly and probably won’t want anything special on her birthday. Being together, supporting each other may just help both of you. She’s your daughter, you will know what to do and I’m sure you will both prefer a simple day together.
Please continue posting on the forum, hopefully it will help you get through these difficult upcoming events.
Online Community Team
Thank you very much.
My Daughter will be 14 on Oct 1 so will ask her what she would like to do unfortunately she does not talk to me about Tanya she is worried about upseting me she gets counselling from her school so I am hoping she talks more to her.
Thank you very much for the info & advice.
Hello Dave, just wondering how you’re doing. And how you’re getting on with counselling. hope you’re finding it helps you in some small way. Like you said, we’ve already experienced the worst thing we could ever have imagined , so nothing can possibly be as bad, anything else has to be a bonus . Hope it’s working for you. x
Geoffs, what a terrible ordeal for you and your daughter. Of course you needed counselling so you could be strong for Tanya, nothing to feel guilty about. So sorry your counsellor has left, but hopefully she will pass on notes so that you don’t have to go through all of it again, A daunting task, but you can do it if you have to., you’ve done it once and if it’s going to help you in the long run hope you can cope with it. Xxx
Thank you Jane, had the second session and it di seem to be easier, at least I wasn’t so drained afterwards. I’ve decided to carry on for a while anyway, as you say, we’e experienced the absolute worst so anything else has to be better.
Thankyou for caring - it’s so difficukt for all of us
Hi Dave yes try to keep up with Counselling I know its hard.
I relise we have got covid but are there any bereavement courses available so you can talk to someone face to face as if like me Counselling is done on the phone.
I lost my wife nearly 7 weeks ago & I like you am struggling with it like many people on this site.
I struggle to ask for help from friends sometimes because I thing I am bringing my grief into there world but I have been told not to feel like that so I like you am taking whatever help I can just so I can get through each day.
Good luck Dave & take care.
Hello again Geoffs. You can make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or support services in your local area. Your GP would know if the sessions are face to face or not. Take care. Stay safe.
Online Community Team.
Good stuff Dave my first proper session went really well and the time actually flew over. My counsellor was happy that I have made plans about going back to work on Monday. Pleased you’re staying with it. I’ve started writing a journal too which is probably a load of nonsense to anyone else but it helps me to write what I’m feeling at the time.
Hi Geoff so sorry for your loss. My Frankie was 51 too. I have started counselling through Sue Ryder. I didn’t have to wait long for an assessment. Hope this helps. Take care💙