First Holiday without you

It will be 9 months on April 5th since my beautiful man was taken from us… It’s hard to believe its been that long already.
This is the first time I am writing something here, however over the months I have regularly read strangers stories and felt that I can relate to so many of them and felt close to you all and a share of understanding pain and grief. That has encouraged me to open up, which isn’t something I often do in such a pubic setting, but admire you all and understand the comfortable it brings.

One thing I have learnt is grief for me is very private and to the world we (that’s me and our dog) are doing OK and moving on… Nothing is further from the truth…I have since losing my man got up every day and go out as I have to take the dog out, to be fair he has been my saviour. But I’m not ready to mingle too much and stay close to the family and just special friends, I don’t think I can deal with seeing or talking to too many people who knew us. I feel safe at the moment and can deal with this.

We have also moved to be closer to the family, back to the town I grew up in, so I have gone through the pain of clearing our home and leaving the cottage we had so beautifully and lovingly restored, however the garden was too big to maintain myself and I would have began to resent having to do everything.

The move and finding somewhere new to live, spending more time with the family and the little ones has filled the void and what with returning to work, has kept me busy and stops me having to face reality… I’m still not ready to accept that he has gone…

I can work and they know not to ask me anything and I work remotely and go into the office a couple of days a month this takes me back to where we lived, and I look over from the office to the hills where the cottage is with such mixed emotions…

I am going away to South America with my friend to see her daughter who is backpacking, we loved our travels and this will be my first trip without my man. I feel so sad that he will not be with me, so guilty for leaving him and and going so far away from him, it scares me, as we have never been that far away from each other, he never liked being on his own for too long and to not have our dog beside me who has been my safety blanket makes me nervous.

Everyone says bet you are excited, well I know I’m fortunate to be able to go away, I know our boy will be in safe hands with the family, I know it will be lovely and I know I will have a nice time, but I do find it hard to be excited, as the sadness takes over or I try not to think about it due to the guilt of leaving him here, the guilt of doing something nice… and it feels so wrong to be going away, but I know he wouldn’t want me to feel like this.

Like everyone says going through all the firsts… I hate them all, worst that he missed seeing his first grandson by 6mths… I really struggled with that one but he is a beautiful little fella and who would of thought the impact the 6 Nations would have on me… The first spring, the first flowers, the first bees … the clocks going forward which meant he could spend time outside after work…

And now the first holiday and the fact that I won’t be able to light a candle on the month anniversary…
So if I can’t light a candle, maybe I will find some shells and make a small Carn, as he loved doing this on our walking trips…and I will watch the sunset over the ocean and think of our wonderful life together and that if he was here beside me, he would be moaning it was too hot, as he wasn’t keen on it being too warm, so certainly not the sort of place he would have wanted to spend 2 weeks, but as I do every night I will say night night my lovely, miss you…


Hello Buddy25

I can see that this is your first post to the community, so I wanted to say that I am so sorry to hear about your partner. The feelings you describe of guilt and worry are normal; please know you are not alone. Firsts can be really difficult when you are grieving. Making a cairn of shells sounds like a beautiful way to mark the date and I hope you can find some comfort in the memory of it being something special you did together.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help right now.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care, Rhi

My partner passed away in December… I’m going through all the emotions you’ve described.
Some days are good, some days are not so good and other days I wonder what’s the point?
I’ve made plans for a holiday later in the year… the guilt I feel is sometimes overwhelming. The churning feeling, knowing I’ll never see him again comes and goes.
I guess what I’m saying is that you’re not alone and reading your post has helped me understand we may all go through similar feelings, so thank you.

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I’m off to Anglesey, to the same places Penny and I loved. This is the third such holiday. On the first one I had emotional spells, but then realised my memories were great ones, and so why was I upset. I began to visit the exact places we went to, often sitting on a beach remembering her and what we did, I talked to her of our memories, and watched our dogs going berserk with joy, running around and digging holes. I smiled a lot, certainly far more smiles than tears.
I concentrated on the happy memories, they are worth keeping.
Before starting on my new holidays, it was difficult deciding on accomodation. I didn’t want to go to hotels which are full of strangers, and impersonal. Eventually I discovered the joy of shepherd’s huts, normally they are in the country, cosy and peaceful. Perfect for me, just popping outside the door, sitting in the sunshine, glass of wine, relaxing with my guitar.


Your post is so inspirational.
Giving me a reason to fight this grief. I lost my love 4 weeks ago. I need to feel on the same wavelength as people going through it. Early days for me, I know. I’ve grieved before but this loss has broken me. Please keep on fighting and don’t feel guilty.

I would love to do this but not brave enough yet to do it alone. I have Anglesey on my to do list as not far from me (I live in Birmingham) and the shepherds huts look ok. When are you going?

Hi @LynT . I’m going on May13th for 4 nights, which by pure coincidence would have been our 52nd wedding anniversary. I’ve been there before on my own. This time, my brother has asked to come and is staying in another hut.
It was strange the first time I did it, but I just decided to be brave and in a few hours I felt that I was with Penny.

If you are interested in booking a hut, Google Anglesey Shepherd’s Huts, they are at Llanfaethlu (,or something like that😀)

I might add that our two little dogs were a great help!

Im currently in denial re weekends & holidays. Lost wife(early 50s) 12 months ago & just worked constantly since. Ive managed a week off at home to start decorating but that wore me out. Cant comprehend going on holiday yet… well done all you that have courage to do it.
Its odd… grief knocks the stuffing out of you. Before & during her illness I would do all sorts. I was chief nurse & chauffeur Now… no enthusiasm unless Im tagging along with friends.
Only ‘at work’ can I (usually) pretend to be ‘normal’ person. I guess this is common symptom.