first my Dad, now my Mom

my dad died 3 years ago…it took awhile to go through that loss.
and then my mom died on 25/3/20. not from covid, the death certificate said sepsis and stroke but i think she willed herself to death.
it started off with her having piriformis which lead her to taking a lot of heavy pain meds. i think the side effects from this and a lot of upheaval in her own life caused her to sink into depression. then she had an episode of delirium. and a month after that she fell into a kind of a coma - we believe it was her kidney failing, so it may have been a diabetic coma. 4 days she was in hospital, and then she died.
it’s so sudden. i was not prepared. i was not ready. she has been saying she’ s dying for decades, more as a threat to guilt trip us. or was it plea for help ? or attention? who knows.
my mom and family are in malaysia while i am in the UK. and i couldn’t fly home due to the covid lockdown. and the funeral was the very next day (as my family is muslim, that’s the tradition). all i could do was send a whatsapp voice message for my sister to play in my mom’s ears… saying that i love her, i forgive her and telling her to rest now. she died the next day.
just a week before she died, i was on the phone to her…talking to her as i was getting ready for work. i can’t believe she’s actually gone and done it ! she’s actually died !
being so far away from “ground zero” makes the whole death seem surreal. and being in a lockdown makes the grieving feels…strange. i’ve no other words to describe it. i’ve only just got over (i think) from my father’s death 3 years ago, only just starting to feel more human. trying to get on with my life, starting a new business and now this happens.
the relationship i had with my mom is most complicated and dysfunctional at the best of times. i have gone through 4 therapists because of this relationship with her. and now she’s dead and i’m bereft !! when my dad died, i felt only sadness. pure, deep sadness.
but with my mom…i feel rage, betrayal, disappointment, sadness and i feel utterly lost. i have lost all motivation to work, i show up but not do much. i am sinking into depression. my anxiety is constant. i’m constantly craving carb.
it’s going to be Eid this Sunday (that’s like Christmas for the Muslims) so that is bringing up A HUGE amount of emotions. now i have none of my parents. i’m 44 and i feel like an orphan, like a child orphan.
i’m on my own here without my family in the uk, can’t fly back, can’t have a party here… maybe a bbq with my boyfriend and 2 neighbours while practising social distancing. maybe…at the moment, right now writing this i just want to just curl up and rot somewhere.
i do a lot of existing at the moment, just on auto pilot. just showing up. going with the motion. doing the bare minimum. and a lot of staring. or zombie scrolling online. i try to ride the waves… that’s how it feels at the moment, waves. and i’m like this pebble…being bashed about on the shore. an angry, lost pebble that’s craving carb all the time !
i’m not sure if any of this makes sense, it’s not making much sense to me… i’m just ranting. i posted stuff in the forum when my dad died, and i found it helpful. i’m hoping this would help me again… this time…

Jude, I’m so sorry that you lost your Mum. I had a complex relationship with my Mum. We could really rub each other up the wrong way! She died suddenly nearly 8 months ago from a heart attack and pneumonia. My Dad died twenty years previously.
I try now to just focus upon the love. because it gives me the most peace.

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You poor lass, it is bad enough losing one loved one but to lose two is awful. I know from experience.
Take care, Jude. x x

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