Five months since....

Hello
I haven’t posted on here for a little while.
In August last year my wife passed,after almost 50 years together. I know that in the scheme of things it is only a few months but it has been the longest, most unhappy few months of my life. We had so many plans for the rest of our retirement and suddenly, gone.
It is very lonely and like a constant ache in my heart. Just the ability to share simple pastimes, talk to each other about anything. Then of course there is lockdown. I feel ground down by it all.
I am beginning to wonder what the point is of carrying on.
We shared everything for a long time. The emptiness at times is unbearable.

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Hi we have to carry on for our family I think everyone on here at some point has felt the same. 9 months for my husbands passing what a roller coaster of emotions even now I feel like I’m stuck walking in treacle. Sending you a hug take care

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Hi @Malc39200,
I absolutely agree with every word, every syllable you have written, your situation and feelings sound so much like my own.
Friday 15th January will be 6 months for me since I lost my wife suddenly, and more and more I find myself thinking (and telling her) that my life ended on that same July day. I sometimes think that I am actually feeling worse as time goes by, I’m terrified of forgetting the simplest little thing about my wife and how we were together, as time slides past us. It’s like I’m clinging on to the face of a cliff by my fingernails, but my fingers are gradually slipping down the cliff face more and more, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
I’m afraid I don’t have any answers for you, I’m still wrestling with my own situation and feelings. I sometimes think the only way things are going to improve for me is to start distancing myself from my memories, almost like numbing myself, and I so desperately do not want to do that. We’re all different as individuals and that’s just how I’m made, always kept a tight reign on my emotions for fear of being hurt. But what can we do when we’ve experienced the greatest hurt of all.
I can only hope that things gradually improve for you over time, however long that might take, little by little each day. Take care.

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Thank you for those thoughts.

Yes. The side of a cliff is a good analogy. I m sorry for your loss. I always thought I would be first to go. Thank you for your honesty.

Hi @Malc39200 and @Alston56 I can relate to all your words and feelings,it’s 5 and a half months for me so we r on a similar time line and the pain just won’t go.I try and be thankful of all the good years we had together but I yearn for more.I have accepted he’s not coming back and I can’t go back to my old life but I don’t feel I can move forward so feeling very lost.I have no solutions to offer but just wanted to say hi and send love and strength especially to you @Alston56 being 6 months today -Take care X

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Hi Trac,
I, in turn, can relate to what you describe, particularly the pain that just won’t go away. I got up this morning determined to ‘get a grip’. I even trimmed my lockdown hair in an effort to simply make an effort. Within minutes reality engulfed me again and it’s back to yearning for what I have lost - my lovely, funny, oh so kind husband. It struck home that there’s no one who cares what my hair looks like anyway! A small thing but right now so momentous.
I know there must be a way through this horror story so many of us are now living. But the journey through the tunnel has stalled for the time being and it seems as dark as it ever did.
To Malc and Alston, your words also resonate so much.
From someone feeling very sorry for herself but also everyone else missing their soulmate. Xx

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Hi Jobar–Yes everyday is a challenge and I think as time goes on it actually get harder as the reality sets in of the new life we have to have. Everyday there is reminders of your old life which makes your heart hurt and of course the practical things still have to be done, I hate mowing now as David use to take such pride in the way the lawn was done but I just don’t care anymore. I wonder if its better to move as there are memories all around and I find it painful, I know in time this may change. We all miss the small things like just chatting to our partner and sitting together having a cuppa -people that haven’t lost someone close that they loved don’t seem to get this. I am wallowing in grief at the moment which I think is ok as its a very up and down life now. Love and Strength to all x

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