@SP60 @LostLil the funeral is another hurdle which you will both get through. Xx
I have since he died, and still do carry one if his handkerchief’s with me everywhere (he was old school and liked the cloth ones!) . It’s always in my pocket and I squeeze it when I want to feel he’s with me. I had 2 with me on the day of the funeral. Strange as it sounds it did help me cope
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It’s heart wrenching isn’t it? There is always a constant reminder that life is never going to be the same. The only person in the world who loved me isn’t here, I now feel like a stranger on this planet, yes I have friends, great neighbours but it can’t ever replace that love.
I am normally a positive person even amongst this grief but I think the funeral looming is now getting to me
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I’m angry at the world and the injustice of it all too. I can’t be angry with him for leaving us though. I know he wouldn’t have wanted to. He’d be worrying sick about his mam because she fell to pieces after his dad died. He worried sick about her when he was alive, he wouldn’t have put us through this if he had any say in it. I was angry at “God” at one point even though I’m not a believer I just wanted somebody to blame lol. It’s horrible because we have all these different emotions stuck inside and nowhere for them to go 
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I know what you mean. It’s so lonely. Missing the only person who could take the loneliness away.
The funeral makes everything so real, even though you know it is. I was the same the days leading up to it but you will find even more inner strength to get through it. The days after I was exhausted. Mentally and physically so make sure you have support on those days xxx
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Can I ask what you wore? I literally have no clue and it’s stressing me out (of all things). I think I’m just focussing of anything other than the fact it’s HIS funeral, it’s that hard to even say the words.
I’m also not retaining any information, I forgot to put the bins out, I forget what day it is. It’s like I’m in a timewarp stuck in time. My brain just can’t get it’s act together. Physically I constantly feel edgy and sick, I was better 3 weeks ago than I am now
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It also struck me like a bolt of lightening that I have only ever been to a funeral with him
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Same! He’s been to funerals with his mam that I didn’t go to but I’ve never been to a funeral without him. I didn’t go to my grandparents funeral because I was just a child. He was there at my mams funeral and I was at his grandad and dads funeral. The last time I was in the crematorium was when his dad died and I sat by his side with my hand on his leg. This time it’s him It’s not right 
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@SP60 I think it gets worse as the shock starts to wear off and the realism that they are really not here starts. Its been 12 weeks for me and I have found the last week to be a lot more difficult, I also feel edgy and sick. I am trying to keep busy which helps a bit. Grief seems to affect every bit of your physical and emotional wellbeing and I suppose we are in recovery in a strange way. For my husbands I bought a dress as I wasn’t sure I would wear it again. We asked people to wear bright colours rather than black, so my dress was green. Sending you love and strength for the funeral, I was absolutely dreading it, but the love and support from everyone really helped carry me through, I hope the same for you xx
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I get them too … i see his face 
sometimes nice memories sometimes not … i feel/ remember his love - his overwhelming love 
that comforts me …
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I wore a dress that Simon loved. but I feel I can’t ever wear it again! After the event, I wish I had just bought a simple formal dress that I never wanted to wear again. Just do what feels right and know that nobody will even know what you wear. Big hug from me. xx
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@SP60 do you have a trusted friend that could help you with an outfit, it should be something comfortable so thats 1 less thing to be stressing about. We asked people to wear black but with bright colours. I bought a blouse and trousers from m and s, then i got home i found a black dress withe purple and pink colours, in my wardrobe i swear id never seen before, which was lovely so i wore that. Let you friends and family support you on the day but be prepared for thenext day, it will hit like a ton of bricks.
I still have flashbacks to the paramedics working on him up the road from where we live. He had collapsed whilst on his walk and that image of when i found him still haunts me, 6 and a half months ago. Xx
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I’ve just been reading all of your sad, heartwrenching posts, and my heart goes out to you all, I’m sending you all a virtual hug. It’s been two years and five months since I lost my beloved fit and healthy 57 yr-old husband, suddenly and unexpectedly to a heart attack. My flashbacks are mainly of that Sunday November afternoon when my life was turned upside down. I also have flashbacks constantly of moments together, outings together, spending time outdoors in the spring and summer, on our land, looking after our vegetable patch. Like some of you have said, sometimes they last just a few seconds, I can’t remember everything and that makes me angry. I particularly don’t want to forget the way he talked, those particular expressions he used, the jokes he made, those “smirky smiles” which I loved so much, those" pulling my leg" discussions, inventing funny stories, me falling into the trap of believing them, and then him laughing his head off, looking at my face when he’d tell me he was making it all up. I just miss so much this special connection that you can only have with your life partner, having shared your whole life with them. I gave him my life and he gave me his, so now this gives me comfort to go on. Even though he has taken with him a part of my life, I still have his part because I’m still alive, so that means he will continue to live through me, and through my children of course.
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@Solost sending hugs. You wrote exactly how I feel x
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@SP60 sorry just read your reply
I just wore a simple black dress and a beige cardigan for the funeral. We had no dress code and told people to wear what they wanted. He was really into music so some wore gig T-shirts in his memory. Just find something you feel comfortable in.
I didn’t decide until about 2 days before what I was going to wear. I knew I had too but was so stressed I couldn’t think straight. Xx
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What you have written is lovely and reflects so much of how I am feeling. I’m only 11 weeks into this journey but hearing how positive you are in living life gives me hope that one day I will feel that way too xx
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Hugs back to you, too, @Nel.
Yes, it happens to me frequently. I accept these flashbacks and try not to escape them. I think it is a way our brain and heart cope with loss and pain. I wish you all the best. Hugs from Anna
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@Solost you have captured it all in your lovely post. It is those intimate moments I miss, the looks, the knowing what each of us are thinking, the smiles and just stroking my cheek which he often did. In a way I am grateful it was me that was left because I could not bear for my husband to experience what we are all going through, he would not have coped, he didn’t cook and wouldn’t know how to work the washing machine! I think he would have buried himself in his work and shut himself emotionally down. As you say, he will live on through me because he was so loved. xxx
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Thank you for your kind words @sandi. I agree, I wouldn’t have wanted it to be the other way round, that I’d gone before him. He was a great cook but would have broken down emotionally, and he didn’t understand the washing machine either! 
It’s such a relief being able to share with you all, the only ones who can really relate to how I’m feeling. I’m glad we can all support each other.
Take care.
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