Welcome to the community @AndrewClarke, it’s great to have you here.
I’m sorry to hear about your loss. Losing a friend that was someone you loved deeply can be really difficult to go through and you’ve taken a positive step reaching out here for support. It’s understandable to hear that after speaking with you friend, these feelings of loss have resurfaced. The sense of guilt you mentioned is something many people experience after they’ve lost someone close to them. You’re not to blame for what happened and you’re not alone in this. We’re all here to support you anytime you need someone to talk to.
You mentioned that you feel like you’re falling apart inside, can you tell us a bit more about how you’ve been coping through this?
You might like to have a read through some posts from other members who have experienced something similar. I’ve linked one here .
You may also find this article about disenfranchised grief helpful to have a read through which relates to a lot of the grief you mentioned in your post.
I hope you find it helpful and please do keep reaching out to us.