I lost my dad in 2020 and my mum earlier this year, in April. I was not expecting the levels of grief that I have been experiencing since April. I live with my very supportive partner, who is also grieving - his father passed away late last year. I also have a grown up daughter who unfortunately lives 6 hours away.
What upsets and worries me is how fractured my family has become over the last 5/6 years. I have 2 older brothers who I was once close to. We barely speak now. One lives just a couple of miles from me, the other is 2 hours away. Since my dad’s cancer diagnosis in 2018 the relationships became more and more strained. Even my daughter, who means the world to me, used to live just 5mins away. Her first move away came after my dad’s terminal diagnosis, but it wasn’t too bad as she was less than 2 hours away. Her latest move, which took her miles away, came the week after my mum’s passing. I was (still am) very disappointed that she did this, as it wasn’t for work - she just fancied a change. It has obviously put a further strain on things.
It seems the passing of my parents has fractured my family, and this is almost as difficult to deal with as the grief itself.
I do have a good number of friends, who have been incredibly supportive. But I’m longing for my daughter to live close by again, and to have the relationship I used to have with my brothers.
Hello @RebeccaJane,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your parents. Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m just giving your thread a gentle, “bump” for you - hopefully someone will have some thoughts to share.
Take good care,
Alex
Thank you.
Someone said to me - it’s times like this that make or break a family. I guess in our case it’s the latter, and I just wondered if anyone else has had a similar experience, and what they did about it.
It’s such a shame, and I know my parents would be disappointed, that we’re not a closer unit, supporting each other through this awful time.
Hi there, I joined this site to hear similar experience with fractured familes after loss, so I completely resonate with you and hope you find some progress, one of the ideas suggested to me was to write to the person(s) you are detached from, you dont need to send it but may help process feelings but the loss is so painful and agreed our parent would not want this at all, its very tough x
Hi Maggie
Thank you for replying.
Have you had any success healing the fractured relationships?
It worries and upsets me every day that we’ve got like this. x
Hey, some small conversations, sadly at an uncles funeral, I felt I had to work really hard on being kind and civil when inside very hurt and angry, I did feel that when I left the funeral a lot easier and kind of vindicated as was blaming myself, sadly not much more progress since then but equally I havent reached out as feel quite stuck. Am hoping this forum can help and really appreciate you responding too x
I’m so sorry you are going through this, I lost my dad in 2020 also and also lost my mam my brother etc, there is no time limit on grief you just need to let urself grief I’m not gonna lie I wish I could take my own advice lol but you daughter will always come back to you what U have to think is she is also grieving for her grandfather everyone grieves differently,I wish U all the best if I can help U in any way don’t be afraid to message me xxx
@Sarabe1
Thank you for your kind words.
I am so sorry for the losses you have experienced. I hope we both can find happier and calmer days soon.
Thank you for getting back to me life is what U make of it and I really hope you have the best life ever because life is to short I wish you all the best in life and if you ever need anyone to talk to I’m always about day or night I kno what it feels like to feel on your own so don’t hesitate to give me a message xxx
I really wish you all the best in life,life is to short U need to live your life you have made all the memories you can with the loved ones you lost you really need to make more memories to everyone you have in your life if you ever need to talk I’m only a message away good luck xxx
Thank you for this. You are right, I need to start living again. We all do.
I too am going thru the same but mine came after losing my husband. Not just his family completely ceased any and all communication with myself and our 2 young boys, but my family did as well. I’ve wasted 4 yrs of my life trying, wishing and questioning what I / we did so wrong to be treated this way. Anymore my new goal in life is to re-teach my brain they don’t exist nor would I ever want such cold heartless people back on my life again. Sadly our experience is more common then I could’ve ever imagined prior to the loss. My children are beautiful so it’s THEIR LOSS NOT mine. With all honesty I will probably carry some sort of anger and resentment around for many years to come. I guess we have a lot more emotional intelligence and love then these distant family members could ever dream of having. I wouldn’t have dine this to them, so overall doesn’t that make people like us better vs those distant cold-hearted family members? I don’t know how people can behave in such an ill mannered way, I guess they will endure their judgement day eventually.
Hi everyone,
I agree, bereavement should be a time that families should pull together & support eachother through it, 
I understand people grieve in there own way, & so may want their own space to process what’s happened, but I don’t understand why people act like this. My mom passed April 2021, (4 years ago,). 2 years after mom passed, dad met someone new, & made plans to move house with her, but I live in & part own the house we live in, long story short, I am special needs, mom used to be my carer, when dad didn’t get the answer he wanted regarding the house, he turned nasty, resulting in dad bullying me, & being verbally abusive with me, to the point I attempted suicide 3 separate times. I got little to no support, my sister, took advantage of the situation, & manipulated dad into changing his will, totally cutting me out because I couldn’t move, which ultimately meant HE couldn’t move. As it turned out, he broke up with the woman last year, & now lives back at the house with me. Though he has since admitted it would have been a mistake to of moved with her, she was just using him for his money, he is still clicky with my sister, & refuses to write me back into his will, 
if mom were alive, she would never of let him treat me like that.
Dad has seen a psychic, twice, & both times, mom & my dad’s parents have said how disgusted they are with what he has done. As far as I’m concerned, they’re not worth the upset & stress they have caused, everything now feels very “them versus me”, if I had a way to move out, I would! I would have no qualms about leaving them behind, & I’d never look back!
I don’t think you should be the one carrying all the anger and blame I don’t know Ur story but what I can say even family can be toxic you have to go off what Ur heart and gut tells u seems to me Ur doing everything u can for your baby’s and that’s what matters who gives a shit you know who you are so why you trying to prove yourself to others fuck them just do you xxxx
sadly families are like that, i have 2 daughters who havent spoke for over ten yrs over a phone cover, one of them dont talk to me cause a comment i made when my grandson died 7 yrs ago. when their dad died 3 yrs ago all i got was sorry to hear that from one and shrugged shoulders off the other. i cant be bothered with any of them, they will need me long before i need them but then i wont be there
Can I be completely honest with you I’ve lost 2 babies and what I wouldn’t give to have them here with me Ur arguing over things that’s materialistic,life is so shit and short make peace you give birth to them not every child is a saint but still they need they mam they will always need they mam Im only trying to give u the best advice I’m not judging you like I said I don’t know u I just dont want u to regret anything xxx
i regret nothing, there is no way i want anything to do with them. i have tried over the yrs but they can get on with it. dont care if i gave birth to them or not, they have made it clear they dont need me. so they can get one with their little lives and i will get on with mine. i am quite happy
It’s unfortunately common that grief and small disagreements turn into long-term divides in families. Once distance sets in, each side feels justified in not reaching out. The healthiest choice for yourself might be focusing on your own well-being rather than waiting for reconciliation.
i always focus on myself, especially since hubby died, icouldnt care less what they do, as long as they stay away from me. if i had an option i would move somewhere thst none of them knew where i had gone to.
He will always be with u and I wish the best in life bute u deserve so much we all do but love for today cuz tomorrow is never promised,we need to be grateful for what we do have otherwise what’s the point life is shit but it is also what u make of it,good luck with everything bute take care xxx