And here we are again. Friday night - a night that used to be full of fun, noise, happiness and family.
Now it’s empty, quiet, sad and very lonely.
The pain never leaves - the grief never stops.
I hate this.
I don’t even have to cry sometimes, memories just roll out of my eyes.
Having endured lockdown my hubby Martin and myself was looking forward to getting back to normal. We was excited at the prospect. We did everything to avoid covid and then I lost Martin to a heart attack.
The days roll in to one, the weekends seem endless. It’s lovely to have company but then suddenly you’re on your own!!
I have started a part time job, the days in between my shifts feel endless and I can feel my moods slipping until I go to work again. One shift is of an evening, the other is a Sunday morning. My mother in law thinks the shifts are unsuitable …… well it’s not as if I haven’t time on my hands!! It doesn’t matter to me when I work, I have nothing to be at home for.
When does this suffering end?
Before lockdown, hubby and I used to meet up in the Pub after work on a Friday night. We’d be joined by our friends some nights, others it would be just us. We had some great times.
During lockdown we always had a Friday night “house party” or Zoom get together with our friends. Usually involved a quiz and a drink or two, or three!!
Since Hubby died, I’ve been out a few times, but it’s just not the same. I went to our local a few weeks ago with some of our friends but ended up leaving as it was just all too sad for me.
Remembered walking home crying my eyes out. Good job it was dark!
With the dark nights, I do think this time of the year is especially tough. I do think that keeping busy is useful so if you find it good to pass your time at work then maybe that is what you have to do. Doesn’t matter what other people think.
Our grief is caused by the love we shared.
Grief won’t stop because our love for our lost spouse never, ever will. They will be in our hearts as long as we live.
Hopefully our burden of sadness will lessen in time.