At the risk of being boring, I have been widowed twice.
When I still had my wonderful first husband, 20 years ago, it was Christmas and we were having a party, our house was always full, I had parents, in- laws, sisters with families, and grown-up children with lots of friends. All of them were at our house.
One of my son’s friends was leaving early, he explained that his dad had died a week earlier and he didn’t want to leave his mum all alone for too long. I stupidly said that he could go home and get her and she would be very welcome to join us.
I now realise what a ridiculous thing that was to say, but at the time I was just trying to be sociable and ‘kind’.
If anyone extended that kind of invitation to me now I would be furious at the insensitivity, and I still cringe with embarrassment at my invitation to that poor woman whom I had never met.
But people who have not lost loved ones don’t realise what it is like, how can they?
I didn’t mean to be insensitive, I truly believed I was offering the hand of friendship. Of course the son declined the invitation on her behalf.
Before I lost loved ones I also avoided mentioning the names of people who have died for fear of upsetting the bereaved person. Again, I thought I was doing the right thing.
Even when my lovely dad died I dragged my mum out on family outings, I thought I was taking her mind off things.
Friends and relatives are precious, even when they don’t say or do the right things.
If I am honest, for me, they are damned if they do, and damned if they don’t!
When I am on my own I long for some company. But when I do have visitors, after an hour or so, I just want them to go away.
They can’t do right for doing wrong. It’s not them, it’s me.
Xx