Hi all, thank you for taking the time to read this.
I wanted to ask how you respond/deal with people who just don’t get it?
My Mum died in July after a quick illness, we already lived together but i moved into the hospice with her. It’s nearly three months now, but even after 2 months friends have been saying it’s time to ‘move on’. I feel like I’m slowly doing this anyway, going to counselling, looking at houses to move to etc.
But it had always been the two of us. And the more people say ‘well it’s been two months!’ The more I want to go back to bed and do nothing.
I know for myself it’s because I’m 28, most of my friends still have their grandparents and can’t imagine the weight of living in a hospice and holding someone as they die, clearing out the home without family support and having to move. So I feel it comes from a place of not understanding.
I don’t want to isolate myself, but at the same time, right now, those comments aren’t helpful, and make me feel more alone
As tykey said… a short ‘thanks for you concern’ is enough.
No one else can possibly know what’s right for you. They probably genuinely believe they’re looking out for you, which is kind, but unhelpful and it’s putting pressure on you.
Do whatever you need to do to cope. As you’ve already said, you have a plan, you’re doing alright…
I so relate to this - ive lost count of the frustrating conversations ive had with well meaning friends who just dont get it, leaving me feeling that i need to justify or defend my grief. Im just not going to do it any more - its exhausting! The post below is for anyone in the same situation - sometimes it just helps to see that there are those out there who DO “get it”
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum.
It’s such a very short time isn’t it. I lost my mum and dad in July within 3 weeks of each other, but my mum and dad were probably much older than your mum, knowing they’d lived a full life together is a comfort.
I’ve found that unless people have been through a similar situation that they have little understanding of what you’re going through, I wonder if that’s what’s happening in your situation too? I’ve found people are less understanding as my mum and dad ‘had a good innings’ , yes they did and I’m very grateful, but I’ve still lost my mum and dad who were still relatively fit and able up to a few weeks before they died.
Only you know how you feel, thank people for their well intentioned, if clumsy, comments. It sounds to me as if you are doing incredibly well at a really tough time for you. Sending lots of love xx
I had a situation over a month ago, I come into a fair amount of money that mum left me. I was supported by a couple known her husband for years. I did tell them how much I had, foolish! They supported me with the funeral and being in hospital. I needed to have teeth out she was trying to pursuade me to go private with that. I wasn’t having any of it and told her I wasn’t going to do anything to I spoke to my nurse. Then her husband came on and started being a I can’t put it in terms as this reply possibly will get deleted. Fast forward a week, had to meet my sister to work out a headstone for mum I told her about the incident. She asked me I had told them about how much I had, I said yes. Her reply you shouldn’t have told them. They rung the same day I been getting fed up with them telling me what to do, I was fairly happy with the way things had gone that day with my sister. Obviously things take time and I’m ok with that as it helps me. But once again they was taking that long so I was like yes what you expect. I got very defensive at the time and wasn’t happy with them and I guess that reflected in the tone of my voice. I was ironing at the time too, that was a month ago not heard from them since and I won’t ring them either.
Be wary of people, trusting is a serious problem today. I won’t squander my mum’s money she saved all her life for that and went without to mass that amount of savings. I don’t know if they are jealous or not ? But I won’t be ringing them and might even contemplate deleting their numbers in time.
What I will say is this, trust your gut instincts. If things feel off with your friends, then put some space between you and them. If you don’t hear anything then ask yourself why ?
Do they not care about you ?
or your situation ? take as long as you want, don’t be rushed! I lost my mum last August 23. Be you and more importantly be the person that your parents raised you.
, yes they did and I’m very grateful, but I’ve still lost my mum and dad who were still relatively fit and able up to a few weeks before they died.