My daughter tried explaining that I was not just a social accessory to my wife but some days that’s what I felt. While I’ve read about why people disappear from the surviving partner, typically anything from ‘just being associated with the deceased’ to ‘people don’t want to be reminded of their mortality’ its obvious that people do slink away, but are people so shallow not realising what you have to go through?. Of course we need space but more importantly we need company to fill in that void of the wonderful and loving constant in our lives. The dislocation is enormous, but to suddenly lose that human connection due to their own personal reasons just reinforces one’s sense of deep isolation. Time moves so slowly being half a scissors. Any views welcome
I feel that way too. I have a sister who lives 10 minutes away and she never visits or texts. Her and her husband came to the hospital the night my Ray passed away to have a good nose around. Her husband who is extremely religious, invaded our privacy and stayed with Ray after he passed with a stupid rosary beads. He wouldn’t even get out of the room to give me a private moment with him. My Ray wasn’t religious and he would hsve hated that. I do think my sister is terrified of my grief and that it could happen to her one day, that she would lose her husband. But that’s no reason not to at least ask how are you doing, my brothers don’t bother either. Neighbours where I live have met me and not even mentioned his name or refer to the fact that I lost him 2 months ago. I really wonder about the human race sometimes. And then I have wonderful friends who care, but I’m thinking how long that will last too. Others don’t know what to say so they say nothing, which is the most hurtful thing of all.
I never realised how grief and bereavement made people avoid you like the plague. It is very hurtful. This idea that we need space is an excuse not to interact. People seem embarrassed and avoid all mention of Richard. Life is made even lonlier by their attitude.
Hi Meg. That is spot on!
Dear Peg2. Spot on as well. The neighbours can cruel and be very odd. Some didn’t even bother with cards. One particular neighbour having heard about the death of my wife from someone else, came to the door to lecture me about how rude it was not to have been informed at the same time as everyone else, despite her not having known my wife. I just shut the door before she was finished.
I have noticed that as well , I thought I had a really good friend who I have known for 68 years. Since my husband died she has stopped ring and messaging me . It’s so hurtful , I have also had people who know me husband though walking the dogs cross the road to avoid me
Oh my gosh you really don’t want a neighbour like that. Just awful and so hurtful. I just don’t get it at all
I can’t say any of this has happened to me luckily.
People don’t ask how I am anymore but I don’t want them to as I want my life to be as normal as it can be.
I’ve got to say I’m the kind of person who if I saw someone I know cross the road would follow and ask them what their problem is with the fact I’m bereaved.
The same if I had a sibling who wasn’t in touch especially if we’d been close before. I’d want to know the reason why.
I suppose people really just don’t know what to say or just don’t have empathy which is really sad because one day the very same will happen to them. That’s for sure..
I told my gp the last time I saw him. He said it was because people don’t know what to say to you.And are frightened of upsetting you . He has also suggested I go to talking tables . Think I will check it out after the new year .
Good question. I had a friend from teenage years who used to wish me a happy birthday every year. After my spouse passed, I don’t hear from her. Have no clue. I never said too much to her about my loss to make her uncomfortable, etc. Death is such a taboo subject that people would prefer it “go away.” They try to block it from their conscious thoughts and we are reminders about the reality of death.
That’s so true , it’s so sad people feel like that
“Being half scissors “ what a perfect anology to losing your partner.
I’ve heard about the disappearing friends after your spouse dies, but that’s usually the friends that are couples. Most of my friends are divorced or never married women. I’m hoping they don’t disappear. It really sucks!
I like the term half scissors as well . My friend who has disappeared . Didn’t really know my husband . We had been friends since school .
I’m afraid I experienced exactly this especially with couples. There for the first few weeks, in fact bombarded with often ridiculous comments and then they drift off.
To be honest you may find you are better off without some of these people. I have lost friends some of 35 years. But they don’t understand the pain you are in and the insensitive comments can come thick and fast ie you could find someone else, telling me about all their neighbours with cancer and never thinking to pick up a phone just ridiculous insensitive texts. I’m 15 months down the line now. Every day is a challenge but I now surround myself with single friends some new some old. You will learn who you can trust and be comfortable around. If that leaves your friends pool a little thin push yourself to join a club or society of some kind. It’s extremely difficult as I often find it challenging just go into shops or cafes as the noise can be overwhelming but I have forced myself. It doesn’t take the pain away but it does fill the empty isolating hours. God bless.
I agree with you , I have a friend who is divorced. She has been brilliant she has rang me at least twice a week to see how I am doing .
As an escape from the house or when you have an empty diary, very sound advice. New challenges and situations can be daunting but when you least expect it, nice introductions or opportunities do come about
So true
Kate
Romski
I share your views entirely. What I have found most upsetting is my stepson and my husband’s sister don’t talk about Roger. I understand that their lives have moved on and mine changed irrevocably in September 2024 and I am still trying to find my way. I find talking to people who sadly have gone through the pain of bereavement and this site help .
Mbg, agree wholeheartedly with your views.
It has been a learning curve for me. I lost R nearly 18 months ago. Friends from decades or even people I knew in the village, have just evaporated. I made a fairly new friend about 3 years ago. She is over 20 years younger than me. I can honestly say she has been my biggest support. We speak or message daily. Go out and have the occasional meal. I don’t know how I would have managed without her. Nothing is to much trouble. The strangest thing of all, my old friends reach out to her and asked how I am. I think people put off contacting you and the time gets longer and longer and they are embarassed. Then not being in touch becomes easier. The grief of losing a parner is something I never really understood, until it happened to me. You lose so much more. I lost me, my confidence, happiness, being content. My future has changed beyond recognition. I never imagined myself alone in my early 60’s!! This site has been a huge help to me.