Frozen and foggy ... is this normal?

Coping with bereavement
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I’ve been reading through the posts and noticed people mentioned being tearful from the grieving process.

I’m not sure why I’ve barely shed any tears over both parents passing, and the recent news of my partner’s terminal illness.

I’ve had the odd momentary teariness that just about lasts a minute, and even more weird, with people I don’t know that well (i.e. colleagues, or random doctors who’s names I can’t even recall!).

Usually it takes something else, a far less important problem (like my phone crashing) to break the log jam of emotions.

Had many others burst into floods of tears over my parents illnesses and passing, and also my partner’s family and friends too around his diagnosis. The worst part which I feel terrible about, I even get irritated when they do …. Like c’mon stay focused and proactive, people!

Me? I mostly feel frozen, numb, confused, like my mind can’t separate one thought from another, and foggy minded. The most dominant emotion tends to be anger, irritability, and a shorter fuse. But no crying (yet)

Is it because I (still) have to be functional, on high alert and in “first responder” mode, and be focused on the admin and practicalities? Spare time is a luxury for me.

Or maybe its because hardly any time has passed between both parents passing/upcoming partner, and my mind needs to play catch up?

Or maybe its simply trauma in the making? A delayed reaction?

I’m starting to think there is something wrong with me! Has anyone else been through this side of grieving?

(Ps: no neurodivergence, or autism either)

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Just adding, that I mostly felt an emptiness, like a void (two voids), when both parents passed. This cold sinking lurching feeling in my stomach.

And that feeling of foreboding and dread with my partner being terminal, anticipatory dread of a third void.

But still, the tears are just not coming. I feel like I can’t afford to unravel, what with trying to maintain much needed functionality.

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I think it’s your mind’s coping mechanism. I was the same before my husband passed. I couldn’t cry. I must have appeared cold, like I didn’t care. Looking back, I don’t think I really believed or accepted what was happening. I think its your brain protecting itself.

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That’s what I’m worried about, coming across cold like I don’t care (but obviously I care a lot!)

Maybe its a case of the grief hitting much later. When a previous partner passed away, I was in my 20s and struggled more with the guilt (he passed from suicide). I went into avoidance mode, partied and drank my feelings, and then went straight into another relationship. The grief only manifested 20 years later during the lockdowns!

Incidentally, it was my Mum that got me through it, she encouraged me to light candles for him and say prayers :heart: that helped to release a lot of stored in grief.

Similar pattern unfolding now, although its not drinking/partying, I barely touch a drop now, and don’t go out (no time), but my shopping habits have been a bit unhinged lately! Mostly impulse buying beauty and make up products.

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