Frozen

I’ve spent the last three hours sitting almost motionless, apart from refilling my wine glass, in a silent house thinking about my husband.
He died five months ago just 53 days after being diagnosed with cancer, until the day of the endoscopy we thought he had hiatus hernia. The shock of the diagnosis was like an arrow through the heart.
I’ve been looking at this forum for a few months though this is my first post. I guess I thought every emotion I have felt and thought I’ve had had already been expressed by others more eloquent then me, though it has given me comfort to know I’m not alone.
I’ve spent many hours just sitting staring through the patio doors seemingly unable to move, no motivation to do anything at all except cry.
We have been married 52 years having married three years after we met when I was 16.
Tomorrow ,24th December, is his birthday. This always marked the start of Christmas , we were never allowed to call it Christmas Eve - it’s not Christmas Eve it’s my birthday he would joke every year. He loved it, good food and wine, loud music and games. It will never be the same again . It’s not just Christmas it’s all wrapped up with his birthday that makes me so sad tonight.
I feel unable to think about anything in the future, I am frozen where I was five months ago the day he died.

Hi, I can understand where you’re coming from as regards being motionless. When Im on my own in my flat which is most of the time I too just sit there staring and drinking. I have to motivate myself to tidy up whereas before when my husband who was alive and died 8 months ago , I would take pride in my home and you like to keep a nice home for yourself and your husband to share. I have moved into this lovely flat as my house was too big for me and I still can’t call it home as I regards home as being with a family I.e me and my husband. I just have to watch my drinking as I know it can spiral out of control unless I go to bed and then I can’t sleep! I just don’t feel as if I.belong anywhere even though I have children and grand children. The only people who have any idea as to what it is like to lose a lifelong partner are those who have gone through it. But I have realised that drinking too much only increases the depression so for your sake try and control it. I know it’s easier said than done especially when your on your own for so long. I really feel for you !

Jasmin

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Hi Jasmin it’s kind of you to reply. Like you the things I used to do as standard cleaning, filing paperwork etc. Just mount up now and I feel disappointed with myself for letting it happen. Two phrases that go through my mind is I can’t be bothered and what’s the point. I haven’t found an answer to the second yet.
I used to he very organized and liked the feeling of achieving goals each day but now small tasks seem like mountains I don’t want to attempt . I leave everything till the very last minute when it just has to be done.
I’m on the train now travelling two hours to spend xmsd with one of my children the other lives on the other side of the world. I shall do my best to honour my husband’s birthday he wouldn’t want me to mope but it will be very hard.
Like you I don’t know who I am and where I fit now. Family and friends have been very supportive but there is no replacement for the one that knows everything about you and you just fit together perfectly even when there’s no need for conversation. I can’t see that will ever be part of my life again and wonder how I’ll live the rest of my life like that.
I hope you spend some peaceful time with your family and have the love and support you need and deserve. I’ll be thinking of you and all others like us

Sadone

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I think you are being very hard on yourself Sitting staring and crying is okay if that is what you want to do. The drinking could become a problem but hopefully you will get past that eventually. You were with someone for over 50 years. You met as children and you stayed together all that time. When you think about it 5 months is a mere blink of an eye. I know it is your husbands birthday and he always enjoyed it but this year is different. Making yourself do things that we’re once normal I find brings more grief. I let the days go by and see what happens on that day. I do not expect to get over my loss and I would not want to. We can hopefully rebuild a life but we will rebuild it around that loss and we will be different. I personally don’t want to be the same as I was. I sit alone as we all do. We want our loss acknowledged and our grief recognised but we also need our privacy. This is contradictory but then everything now in my world is just that. You are devastated as we all are so we need to heal those wounds but I think it is a slow gradual process that cannot be hurried. You do not need to honour your husband you need to mourn him and as for him not wanting you to mope if the S hoe was on the other foot he would be just as devastated as you. We don’t ‘fit’ into any pattern as the shape or us has changed We are shrunken by our loss but in time we may find a new pattern which we can feel comfortable with. I am a widow. It is a horrid word but that is what I am but we are also valuable people and one day I hope that value will emerge again. Until that day I will mourn my loss in my own way. Be kind to yourself as he would have been

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I am so sorry that you are suffering like this. I felt very deeply for you reading through your text. Grief is such a personal experience and very unpredictable. Now you’ve had his first birthday and Christmas without him (and I’m sure your memories of him flooded your day) you can tell yourself you got through it!! Look after yourself during this time as it’s very easy to neglect ourselves, I’ve done it. I hope that this deep sadness and grief lifts for you… your husband wouldn’t want you to be suffering. Xx

Lesley, I really appreciate your understanding. It was difficult but with the help of family it was manageable.
I hope you were able yourself to get through that period with the sadness of your own loss. We all have to face a new year without someone we loved dearly and hope we can find the strength to do that somehow.xx

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I lost my mum on 18th December and Christmas was very difficult. We laughed at memories we shared and it helped us through. We’ve now got new year and her funeral on 14th January. I’ve also got to clear her house … a job I’ve been dreading. I’ll be thinking of you New Year and sending comforting thoughts your way x

Yes, a difficult time ahead for you in the new year. There’s bound to be some fond memories mingled with tears when you have to clear the house , such a sad time.
I hope the day of the funeral goes well for you. I was dreading the day of my husband’s but it was so much better than I could have imagined though it was as a huge relief when the day ended.
I will think of you on 14th January . Take care. xx

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Thank you x

Hello Lesley, I am so sorry to read about you losing your lovely Mum, just over a week ago. Facing Christmas so soon…just heartbreaking; I think you have shown great strength. It’s good that some of the treasured memories recalled, brought laughter. There’s no denying there’s some difficult days ahead. I felt comforted by the thought that anything I did after my Mam died (4 years ago) was an honour and payback for the unconditional love she gave me, throughout my life. With kind respects, x

Thank you rainbow for your very kind words and encouragement. Xx

I am so sorry to hear of your loss - like you I am new to this forum. I recently list my daughter aged 29 to a rare, aggressive cancer and I’m struggling to make sense if anything. Everyone jeeps telling me to talk about it , to grieve - I think everyone expects me to be in floods of tears all the time but the truth is I’m either so angry that this happened or just numb. She was my first born, my only daughter and my best friend. We spoke every single day and she was the first person I wanted to tell about everything.
I’m married, have 2 son’s i adore and good friends yet i can’t talk to anyone. I suppose I replied to you because although our liss is different the pain is just the same.
I wish you love and peace
Karen

Karen i am truly sorry that you have lost your daughter ,how angry you would feel that this horrid disease has taken your precious love. The sorrow you feel must be overwhelming as though your heart has been wrenched out . To watch the child that you have loved and cared for all her life be taken at such a young age with her life still to live is more than anyone could bear. Your daughter sounds as though she were your constant companion and the one you would turn to first it’s not surprising that you don’t feel your can talk to anyone else at the moment . The one you want isn’t there anymore that is the same for me I know how hard it is to cope with.
You say you’re married so your husband must also be in pain at losing his daughter maybe it’s difficult at this time to communicate well how you are both feeling. I imagine you might have thought of counseling it could help you open up.
The intensity of your pain sounds how I feel at losing my husband, people are kind and try to help but at the end of the day I am the only one that can cope with my grief as it will be for you. I think there are no words that adequately describe the actual pain one feels so really how can we talk about it in a way to others that don’t feel as we do. I hope you are soon able to release some of your feelings with someone and feel a little less angry and numb for doing so.
Thinking of you and hope you find some peace soon xx

Thank you so much for your kind words of support and advice. I think your original post stood out for me as someone being in as much pain as i am although I would never wish that for anyone. I just find it so hard to speak to those close to me while at the same time needing to talk about it.
Much love to you

I so hope that as days go by you will be able to share and unburden yourself of the immense grief you carry.
Sending loving good wishes to you xx

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