@Juniper19 just remember how the funeral went as it’s sounds like it was a beautiful send off. Your husband would be so proud of you. I’m sure that this lady didn’t mean to hurt you… she most probably thought that your husband was a nice guy… and thought she was trying to help you about saying something nice about your husband. Don’t let that comment over ride your husband special day. X
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@Hazel.1966 I’m sure you’re right - I just hurt too easily also I have moved on from being annoyed that he fibbed to me about how much he hated his job to wanting to defend him because she made him sound like the office clown - can’t win eh?
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I think people at funerals of someone they’re not experiencing grief for, are in a very different place, physically. Their bodies aren’t on red alert and their hearts aren’t pounding with adrenaline. It’s just a day to them. (I’ve even actually had quite a nice time at some funerals for people I’ve only had weak ties to…
)
Different thing altogether when it’s your really big, awful, sad, important day. You forget some stuff and other things are seared in your memory forever. ( My mum’s funeral was a blur, really, but I remember some woman I couldn’t stand, coming to talk absolute crap at me. On a normal day, I’d have been half-polite. That day, I just walked away. It was that, or actually punch her.)
I do hope that in time, the memory of the galloping woman (Let’s rename her Horsie.) fades for you.’
I’m sorry for your loss.
x
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Wise words thank you wish I had walked away but she caught me as I was getting into the car so I was kind of trapped listening to her babble.
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Hope you don’t mind me replying…
Just a gut feeling really, but I think it’s worth really acknowledging how much this woman’s behaviour upset you, without having to feel like you should just forget it or get over it. Writing a full account of it, maybe as a timeline or mindmap, with every single detail you can remember, and adding to it as stuff comes back to you, could help you to process it and the wider events around it. If you’re ready, writing, or recording a spoken version (on a phone) of alternative versions of the event, maybe with the killer line you wish you’d used at the time, and telling her exactly how she made you feel by trapping you in your car could possibly help to externalise your uncomfortable feelings about the event.
I’m no expert, but I’ve had a year of therapy and EMDR for PTSD. One thing I’ve learned is that trauma is easy to come by and it doesn’t magically stop swirling round in our head because we ignore it. It doesn’t have to be a helicopter crash or mass shooting for us to struggle.
x
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Thank you so much @Sarah_68 that is such helpful advice. What you say is true, it can’t just be magically stopped, I don’t have the ability to not let her get to me, not let it spoil my memory of the day etc…I know people mean well when they give that advice but I don’t have the mental capacity to do that, so that actually leaves me with another problem i.e if I was a normal person I could do what everyone advises and just forget about it but I must be abnormal because I can’t do it. So I pretend to do it - because of course I don’t want to let on that I have no mental strength I have no resilience, random strangers can make me crumble. In truth before this awful event I was already aware that I had ‘issues’ I had a very unhappy childhood I was abused and left home at 16 years old so there’s a lot of ‘baggage’ there already. Thanks Sarah, I’m going to get it all down on paper - the woman’s number is in my partner’s phone I’d love to just ring her and speak calmly to her but I know that would probably makes things worse.
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I hear you!
Similar situation to mine. Therapy was the last resort for me. I wouldn’t be here now without it. It was the hardest thing I’ve EVER done and the EMDR left me feeling like I had no skin on, for the duration. It’s not for pussies, but it is effective. (Think there’s a long waiting list now after the pandemic.) Trauma is definitely more likely if you’ve experienced adverse childhood events (ACEs) whether you’re an RAF pilot who’s been shot down and captured, or dealing with bereavement.
Grief is brutal. It messes us up physically and emotionally for ages. Trauma can make grief complicated. Your body is reeling and it will take a while before your brain can catch up to deal with trauma, so take your time.
If you’re going to contact her, which you’re perfectly entitled to, I reckon do it when you have absolutely clarity, and have support.
Sarah x
Contact me any time. If my six pennies’ worth can help, you’re welcome to it.
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Thank you so much
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I had to send an email to my husband’s work as it was on a weekend, he was due in Monday, the manager said what a lovely person he was and was highly thought of.
He hated he’s job, and he’s manager even more, he’d dread going in, I REALLY wanted to email back how she made he’s life hell, it took all of it in me to just reply “Thank you for your condolences” I just thought to myself, unless its gonna bring hik back no point
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I spotted this post and felt like my experience may help you feel a bit better. The easy thing to do would be to forget about it, but I have noticed that grief has made me feel much more vulnerable than I would usually feel. I too question everything. Why? I think its because our loved ones aren’t here to talk to or to ask them about whats on our minds?
My experience.
My husband was 44 when he died. Leading up to his death he was prescribed Lorazepam which really made him suicidal. His prognosis caused depression and the lorazepam made that depression much much worse.
For 29 years I had known my husband to be strong minded and very happy go lucky. In the last 6 months of his life, he was depressed and at times he felt suicidal. It was a tough 6 months which will haunt me for a long time (maybe forever). He shared with his family how low he was feeling and told them that he felt suicidal at times.
After his passing I have had to listen to those family members tell me how strong he was? How he never once moaned, how he never let his disease get the better of his mindset?
Its like we are living on different planets!
And the final thing which has caused me much distress (I am still working on how to deal with it).
When my husband was in hospital dying, he kept repeatedly saying he was being overdosed. He was distressed that no nurses or doctors was trying to help him, and even said to us family that he felt we was trying to kill him 
I will never know if he was actually overdosed or if he was experiencing terminal delerium/agitation.
When I think about it it breaks me inside.
Recently a family member that was present at the hospital told me she had made recordings of his voice, so in time I can listen and hear his voice. I was present when these recordings was being made and I wasn’t aware. (There again my husband was dying and I was busy holding him and was audibly very distraught at hearing how distressed my husband was). Yes, a family member recorded it all? It’s caused alot of upset for me. Why would a family member record someone who is dying and in distress?
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@traybroth I can’t fathom how anyone could possibly think it was a good idea to record him in his dying moments
Jesus
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Why the hell would someone do that
Bloody disgusting behaviour.
@traybroth well like the silly woman who took it upon herself on my husband’s tribute page - a man who had just died prematurely and unexpectedly - that he didn’t take life too serious;y and then run up to me after the service to tell me he was ‘the life and soul of the party at work’ literally just after I’d walked away from his coffin - we seem to have no choice but assume they meant well. In truth I’d love to have slapped her around the face and scream at her but that’s not allowed, that would have upset everyone so I had to swallow my upset and smile sweetly. That said, I have written her a letter and I have told her how she made me feel and I have to say it has made me feel much better maybe you could do the same?
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Traybroth
Oh my God. There are no words!
What the hell is the matter with people?
Why on earth would you want to relive possibly the most traumatic experience of your life?
I’m so sorry you have experienced all this, and for your loss.
x
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