My husband died on 13 August and is his funeral next week. I am getting increasingly scared of going and am crying more than ever and I know it’s because the funeral will confirm he is dead. Given my anxiety levels are getting worse I don’t know if I should contact the doctor to see if they can give me something to help but I don’t want to be ‘out of it’ on the day as I have a poem to read (I do have back up f I can’t do it)? Any advice others can give about medication etc would be welcome? Thanks
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Ask your GP for propranolol. This will calm the feelings of anxiety and help you through the day. I suffer badly with anxiety and my GP has put me on Propranolol 40 mg three times a day. it does help. Also texting here helps as you can say how you really feel and not gloss over it for family and friends xx
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Thanks Nel. I am having some interesting responses from friends at the moment - one is behaving as though life is normal and another essentially told me I will survive his death and she went back to work a week after her mother’s death as it was good distraction - its all about mental resilience and mental outlookj and I need to reframe and look at the positives. I am therefore starting to feel like a freak that I am struggling to come to terms with his sudden death and how much I miss him. When I told her I was scared of the funeral and future she couldn’t understand why.
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I’m sorry you are getting these unhelpful comments from family. They have obviously never lost a partner and have no idea of what we are going through. Getting through a day is hard enough. I try to be in the moment and go hour by hour some days. If I feel I need to cry which is a lot of the time I do. Do what is right for you. Keep texting on the forum. Thinking about you. I found on the day of the funeral I coped. I felt close to my husband. It was later that I fell apart. It all seems very surreal even 16 months on. I have had a really bad week and my mental health has been less than it should. I found myself crying at my GP who was very nice and recommended I increase my propranolol to help in the difficult times. The anxiety sometimes feels overwhelming. Just go hour by hour and keep texting x
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So sorry for your loss and the unhelpful comments from your friends. If you think you need some help to get you through the funeral I would speak to your gp
I thought I was coping after my husbands death in sept but the anxiety got worse over the next few months. Finally went to doctors in march and even though I didn’t want to go on medication it has definitely helped.
Like Nel I got through the funeral as I felt close to mark and surrounded by family and friends but afterwards was difficult.
This forum is a great help so keep reading and posting.
Take care of yourself xx
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I got a valium tablet from my GP for the funeral and I am sure it helped without blurring things. I had already decided against doing a reading as I was too upset. I sort of regret that now but I have often spoken to my husband in my head since and told him the things I wanted to say. I also listen to the song Thank you for the days which is what I should have liked to have said. Many people have been unhelpful since but every one here seems to understand. I currently avoiding my parents as I know they will see the queen’s death as much sadder than their son in law’s death and I can’t cope with that yet. Take care.
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Would definitely recommend speaking to your GP. There must be something to take the edge off to help you get through the day and still say what you want to say.
People basically have no idea what we are going through. I really loved the Queen but haven’t watched any coverage because I can’t afford to get more upset than I am now. I am tired of being told about grief. People try to relate it to their own loss, but losing your soul mate is just mind blowing. We are told to accept it but I don’t think it’s possible because our soulmate is always with us albeit in a different form. X
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Thank you all for your comments - it means a lot to hear from others. I have spoken to the gp and they have prescribed some diazepam and told me to take half a tablet the night before if needed. In addition to the funeral I am scared of the day after because then I have to start to face up to the gaping abyss my husband’s death leaves because up until now the funeral preparations have provided an element of distraction.
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I went to stay with my son after the funeral as I needed to get away from everything for a while. Do what ever you feel the need to do even if it seems unconventional. We had a very small funeral and no gathering afterwards as that was all we could cope with. Some people were unhappy at not being invited but I was sure my husband would have wanted us to do what we needed to do. He never liked big gatherings. I do wish I had asked someone to take a photo of the flowers as we did not think of it and they were gone by the time I got back.
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I’m so glad that you have spoken to your GP and have been given some medication. Everyone’s grief is different and that’s why this group is so helpful. You need to take each day as it comes. There will be day’s when you can cope and others when can’t. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. It’s not going to go away overnight and you will have days that are better than others. Don’t take any notice of what your friend’s say. They obviously haven’t lost a partner. You need time to come to terms with it and there isn’t a set time. Just do things at your own pace.
I’m sure all of us here will understand your fears. Everyone is different so don’t let others tell you what you should do or feel.
We had quite a long wait for my husband’s funeral and I don’t know if that was good or bad.
GP could be good to discuss how you feel. There are also natural support options.
Bach’s Rescue remedy helps one of my daughters with many situations.
Sending love.
Tomorrow’s the day - been doing last minute preparations and feeling very anxious. Saturday 13 August was the worst day of my life and this will be the second worst day. Am so scared. Scared about Wednesday as well as the funeral arrangements have given me something to focus on, to try and do my husband proud, after Tuesday is a gaping abyss which terrifies me as I cannot see any kind of future because his death has obliterated all our dreams, hopes and plans.
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I understand. It is scarry and terrible. Take it one hour at a time, or one breath at a time. My thoughts are with you. I also took a photo of my husband and looked at that during the service. Take any comfort you can find. Xxx
You will get through it and be stronger than you think. When the coffin arrived at the house I thought my heart would break, but from somewhere I found the strength to carry on, as will you. As for Wednesday just take it as it comes and do just what you feel you can. There is no right or wrong way to feel. Small steps, one at a time x
Be strong JSG, I truly thought I wouldn’t be able to even go to my mum’s funeral but I got through it ok, even carried the coffin up to the cemetery with my three brothers. Mum’s picture was on the front of the leaflet in the church but I just couldn’t look at it.
The day after the funeral I found hard. With the busy time between her death and funeral over I thought ‘now what do I do?’.
It is amazing where we get the strength from to get through. We had a lovely photo of my husband which stood on the coffin for everyone to see.
Afterwards is another story but just take each day at a time and try not to look too far ahead that’s what I find a bit overwhelming.
Take care xx
You will get through it somehow and be stronger for having done so.
For me, keeping busy is the only way I cope. I am trying to work on house maintenance and all the paperwork which came due to my husband’s death.
Don’t know what I’d be like if I wasn’t so busy. I am also lucky that my learning disabled daughter still lives with me so I have plenty to do to make her life good too plus I’m not alone a lot.
Well I did it. I found it rashly hard to go but once got to the crematorium it was like an inner determination came over me. I ended up leading him into the room carrying his motor bike helmet which I wasn’t very expecting to do and I arranged the items on his coffin rather than the funeral directors. I also managed to read the poem I had adapted from the film 10 things I hate about you (a favourite of ours). Now the hard work really begins as the funeral has been a distraction to a certain extent from the reality of life without him and I am scared
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Well done Jsg x
So proud of you We are all scared and will help each other on our journey xxx