After a series of delays my wife’s funeral has now been booked for the week after next. It’s a small private affair and we have a celebrant in place to manage the short service. Part of the reasoning is that I won’t be able to cope with anything so I want someone to speak my words about my wonderful wife. This will be the first time I’ll be with my wife, in the same room, since her passing. I have no idea how I will be but I can’t help think it’ll be the breaking of me. I’m still in the limbo space where every so often I think she is still in hospital waiting for me to visit before the realisation kicks in so this part is going to bring me back to reality. I have no idea how life will continue without her, that however is tomorrow’s problem.
It’s good that it’s finally booked. Like everything else, the anticipation could be worse than the actual event. I was told it would help me move forward a bit but that was not the case. The reality of the funeral was hard and the following days and weeks were challenging but 14 months on, I can say I am in a much better place and life simply goes on. Time is not a healer but you do learn to live with the grief and it’s less all consuming and painful. You may feel you can’t speak now but come the day you may feel you want to speak. This happened to me. I found a strength on the day that I hadn’t had in the build up. You just have to do what’s right for you. Hope everything goes ok.
I know what you mean about the funeral , had a speech prepared but have had to cut it much shorter as I know I won’t be up to speaking a lot without breaking down . My wife’s is booked for a week on Friday , other family members are saying at least we will get some closure , but I think it will make it all the more real for me that I will never see her again , as similar to you there is a part in the back of my mind that thinks she will be sat there one day when we get home .
Now you have a day you can focus on, but don’t let be your main goal.
I prepared a speech for the celebrant to read for me. She started by saying, “Steve found love when he met *, this is what she says…”. She read it exactly as I’d written it, even referring to me as his girlfriend and not his partner. There was no way I could have done it or put myself through even more upset.
Do you think it may be an idea for you to visit your wife before the funeral? You wouldn’t have to look at her, simply being in the same room for a moment might make you feel a bit better?
Take it easy
At my son. Cremation, I said a little speech , he had learning disability and a friend of his who was Autistic had wrote a lovely speech but she could not bring herself to read it. So I asked the vicar if he would read it with her standing beside him. He did and it was so lovely ,
Thank you all for your kind words, I know it’s got to be faced but the reality that she is gone will be undeniable and more so when her ashes are returned 1-2 days later. Life post her passing really is without colour.
Well said @Ali29 it’s been 3 years for me this Saturday and to say I’ve moved forward seems like a betrayal but it’s not. There’s not a day goes by when I don’t feel and think about my loving husband but life does go on and we have to move forward, we have no choice. The first year was a blur and it felt like walking through treacle, the second year a bit easier and now, well it is what it is. I’m on my own making the best of the life I have left. My children and grandchildren are all that matter to me now. I do a bit of volunteering and have rescued a dog to keep me company. Do I feel sorry for myself ? Of course I do, I think I’m entitled to but I have to carry on otherwise what else is there ? I’ve lost the most important person in my life and I just have to make the best of what’s left.
Much love to all.
Georgina
Dear @KMCG
You will get through the day. Your wife will be with you making you strong.
We all deal with everything on this horrid journey differently.
I wanted to read the eulogy for my husband that I had written. The celebrant was ready to take over for me but I managed it, somehow. Not really sure how, but I knew I wanted to.
I visited my husband every day in his funeral home before the cremation service. I used to read his eulogy to him, asking for his approval of what I’d written, and play him the music I’d chosen. I must have read it , out loud to him at least 10 times.
I think maybe that helped me on the day. I just imagined I was reading it to him again and not to anyone else.
Whatever you decide, just make sure it’s what YOU want to do and don’t let anyone else influence you . Then what you do on the day will be 100% right for YOU.
I even made a last minute change on the day. I suddenly decided when stood outside with everyone milling around that I needed them all to go away and leave me on my own outside with my husband. The funeral home team were taking the coffin in on wheels. So I asked the funeral director to ask everyone else to go in and sit down.
I then had a couple of minutes outside with just me, my husband and our two dogs (who were allowed to attend).
Then I walked in just me , my husband and our two dogs , one a 13 week old puppy who I carried.
The last thing we did together as a family of 4. It remains very special to me.
You take care, thinking of you and sending lots of love, hugs and strength
@KMCG it’s terrible the wait you have . I’m glad you have a date . It was unreal to me . My friend said I was very dignified. I dressed my best for my Andrew . I didn’t see him at funeral directors . I was sick from driving back to that night . My sympathies to you
That’s beautiful
I had only one speaker at my partner’s funeral in October, and no gathering afterwards, as I couldn’t have coped with it. Instead I organised a celebration of his life a few weeks later, and invited several people to share their memories of him; by then I was able to share mine too. It was a lovely, positive occasion with laughter and tears, and I’m so glad I did it.
If I were you I would go see her before the service at the funeral directors, and tell her about the service and say your goodbyes there.
You may be surprised at how therapeutic it will be. Put Spotify on your phone and play the music to be played during the service at a low level.
Say your goodbyes before the service and stand strong on the day knowing you have done so.
I knew I would not be able to speak at my husband’s service. The celebrant was fantastic and sent me a series of questions to respond to. I did that and i wrote from the heart. She used my words at the service. I was determined to
have a celebration of my husband’s life, and that was what we had. So many of his friends said it was a very uplifting experience. The last thing I could do for him was to give him the send off he deserved, despite what his siblings thought.
Well done. He’d be very very proud of you. And so is everyone on here.