Funeral fear for Son

My 30 year old Son passed away suddenly 4 weeks ago. He was healthy and so far no reason has been found so we are still waiting. He’s married to ‘his person’ and they been together since they were 15, they have a little boy who turned 2 on Thursday (that was another tougher day) & they are expecting a baby girl in Sept. Sam my Son was so happy with his life and had everything to live for. I still cannot believe it and even writing this I feel like I’ve done crazy and am making it all up.
The funeral is Weds & I petrified, I feel sick all the time. Sam had lots of good friends who will be there with us but I keep thinking why Sam and not them. I’m so scared about being there as I shouldn’t be there! It should be me that he is sending off. My daughter in law will be held by her family as I can’t hold her and myself. I have 2 other children who will also be held, my Mum is still alive at 85 and is devastated it wasn’t her.
Life has stopped for us all and the pain is unbearable. Any advice please.

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Lisa it feels sureal to go to your sons funeral as its something that is never expected. I feel your pain and wished it was me that had passed and not my son. Who had a bright future ahead.
Sending love and strength to keep going for your grandchildren and family

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Sorry for the loss of your son.
Youre still in the early stages of your grief, and i know from personal experience this time is spent going in between numb, empty and devastation all at the same time. You will find the strength to get through his funeral. Im not saying itll be easy by no means. I called my sons funeral a celebration of life as a way of detatching from what was actually happening. All i could think of was making my son proud, and doing things that i think he would have liked.
We had over 80 motorbikers follow him on his motorbike funeral car, friends, and even strangers that just wanted to pay respect to a fellow biker.
I got through it all in a daze to be honest, and people kept on saying how strong i was. I didnt feel it. I was screaming on the inside and still am 21 months later.
Unless youve lost a child, no one can understand the feeling of your actual heart breaking. It changes you completely.
You grieve how you need to, concentrate on getting through the day, and remember its not goodbye, its we’ll see you again on the otherside. As much as you are trying to support others, there will be those there to support you. Lean on that support and take each day one step at a time. I wont lie and say in time itll get easier, because losing a child isnt something you find ever eases. You just learn to live a new you, and walk along side your grief like a shadow that follows you everywhere. Each day is different for coping with this loss. Some days you dont want to get out of bed, others youll busy yourself doing things to occupy your thoughts. Just remember there is no right or wrong way to grieve. You do you, and if others dont like it, tough luck for them. Its you going through your emotions and feelings not them.
I hope you find the strength to get through each day. Xx

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I’m so sorry, it must be devastating for you and the way that you are that you are feeling is totally understandable. I was worried about my father’s funeral and didn’t want the day to arrive. However I look back on the day with fondness. It was a day where I felt we were surrounded by love and the support of our friends. My regret was that dad would have enjoyed meeting up with those who were there and that made the loss more poigniant. I very much hope that you will be ably to draw strength from the love that will surround you that day. It won’t lessen the pain but it can help you cope with the hurt.

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It is surreal, the last 4 weeks have been confusing, painful, exhausting. Not understanding why. Also, lonely - I’ve been with family and friends all the time but in my head I’m so lonely in my grief. Shocked and traumatised.
I’m so scared about tomorrow, I haven’t started to believe it happened. I’m not saying goodbye, I don’t have to & don’t want to.
My Son should be home with his family waiting for their new arrival, he’s not in a better place- I found that hurtful to read, but I am very sorry for your loss and experience.

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Lisa, i cannot imagine how hard things are for you right now. I have 2 older children and the thought of loosing one of them is horrific. I lost my mum 3 months ago and it was sudeen and unexpected and the shock is unbelievable. I know its not the same as loosing a child. But for me i was also dreading the funeral, it gave me full blown anxiety. But i did get through it as there is no choice, and we done her proud with a lovely send off and like others have said in this post i approached it as a celebration of her life. I have a grandson who will be one next week, and he is the light in my life at this dark time. Try and spend time with your grandson and the new baby when she comes as they are a part of your son, and he will live on in them. I hope it goes as well as it can today xx

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Its so hard losing a child, its not the way of things for your child to go before the parent. I hope you get some answers as to what happened, when i lost my own son, it was the blanket excuse “cot death” no answers, no reasons and no one to blame. I only got through it by concentrating on my other child at the time, i have never forgotten him and think of him all the time. And i managed to resist clumping those around me who said " hes in a better place" hes not in pain" when all the time i was thinking he should be in my arms. Take each day hour by hour and be proud that you brought such a wonderful young man into this world, and that you will be together again one day

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My Son passed on the 8th May this year , motorway crash
His funeral is Wednesday also

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I’m so sorry. It’s just awful isn’t it. Let’s hope we make it through tomorrow, will be a very hard day. :blue_heart:

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Thinking of you today xxx

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Feel so sick. Can’t believe it still.

Thinking of you today. So many of us have been through it, our sons or daughters funeral, mind you I have to call it a celebration of life, it’s my coping mechanism. Just go with it today, we are all different in how we cope that day. I didn’t shred a tear until I got back home and was totally exhausted by it everything again. I’m 15 months into the hell journey, but days do get easier which I never thought was possible. Take care xx

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Hope it went as well as can be today Lisa

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Got through but no idea how. Was packed and people outside. He is so loved.
Today, I’m so low, still can’t believe what has happened and feel no different than the day before yesterday. Each day gets harder and harder. Struggling so much. Can’t see any light at the end.

I know exactly how you are feeling, the loss, the heartache and feeling of exhaustion.
It’s such early days for you and I used to have fog brain from everything. Just do minute by minute or hour by hour. I still don’t think ahead to the next day. Look after yourself. I used to find walking helped in the early days, but I chose my times to go out to avoid people. Take care

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It is the sudden thinking forward- how life has stopped and changed forever. I try and stay in the minute but then a trigger comes and off I go into a downward spiral.
Thank you for replying, I see from your info we had very similar experience.

Yep the triggers and the flashbacks. I have started to recognise my trigger points and the flashbacks to that Friday as I call it are less frequent after 15 months, however my life changed forever, and I am very selective who I see, where I go, especially if I am on my own without my partner…he is my rock and we are both grieving as we both lost our boys, both in there 30s within 8 months of each other. Little steps for you x

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Dear Lisa, you have described exactly how I feel, I’m so sorry to hear this, my grandson passed in his sleep on the 18th of march, he was just turned 17.
Not knowing why they passed makes it even harder,
I’ve accepted my life will never be normal again, nothing means anything anymore,
Every day is such a struggle and the emptiness is unbearable,
The pain of thinking he had his whole life ahead of him as did your son,
People that say I’ve lost a parent don’t understand that it’s easier as they have lived a life,
The funeral will be so hard but you will be strong because you’re his Mum & that’s what Mum’s do xx

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Life can be so very cruel. I’m sorry for your loss too,

Hi to all who are suffering right now with facing the funeral of their sons.
I lost my beloved son 20 months ago now and had the heartache of facing his funeral one month after his passing.He was 31 years old.He died suddenly and unexpectedly.
Although his funeral was 19 months ago now we had a cremation and are now in the process of laying him to rest in our parish church in the next couple of months.
It feels like we’re going through it all over again.
It is a dreadful process we as mums have to endure and go through but we have no choice and it’s something we owe our beautiful children.
I just try really hard to get through everyday as it comes but it’s so difficult.
My thoughts and love to everyone suffering the same heartache.
Jayne x

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