I lost my dad a week ago. It’s been a really tough time. He’d been so ill the for the last year or so we were preparing but not prepared for how fast it was in the end.
Our family isn’t the best at communicating in good times so it’s been tricky to try and plan and make decisions at such a terrible time. All this planning and trying to figure out what to do for dad’s service without him ever expressing any specific wishes has been hard, feels like stabbing in the dark. My mum is so overwhelmed right now she keeps saying what she wants and then changing her mind about everything but I have to finalise the plans sooner rather than later… any advice on how to get through all of this? I need to grieve too but I feel like I’m stuck in planning mode and when that’s not going well it just makes everything even harder.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I lost my mum on 30th April and planning the funeral was extremely difficult as I don’t get along with my siblings. What made it even harder was that my dad then passed away 3 days after my mum’s funeral so I had to restart the whole process again for my dad.
I didn’t have time to grieve as I also had to work (which kept me distracted) I basically went into autopilot mode until after both funerals.
I think it might help you to write down some options for your mum to decide which one/s she wants. Leaving it wide open only increases the back and forth and confusions. It’s a difficult time for you all so having say 3 choices of flowers will help finalise decisions easier.
As for grieving, you have the rest of your life to do so. I never really understood it until now. Grief is a really isolating journey. Please keep posting in here as there are a lot of supportive people on this site. Take good care of yourself xx
Hi Lc12
Just read your post and I am so sorry you are going through all this.When I planned my mum’s funeral I chose hymns and songs she loved. My mum never spoke about what her wishes were as I always avoided the subject but I sort of knew which songs she liked.I also chose a poem to be read at the church and as I was grieving so much I asked the vicar to read it. For the Eulogy I wrote it myself and the vicar read it. I started with a bit about where my mum was born her childhood ,family ,travels etc.I mentioned some comments people had said about my mum eg kind caring hard working etc.
If you are having a church service the vicar wil help you choose readings etc and help you plan the order of service or if you have a service at the funeral place the undertaker will help you
I think it’s normal for people to change their minds about things so just go with it . The immediate time after a person is full on with planning what has to be done and you will get caught up in all the busyness of planning and feel you are not grieving as you should be but it’s just the prices of everything If you can share the workload that would be the best thing to do.
Keep posting on here as this site is an absolute godsend and there will be people who will help you.
Will check in on you in a day or two
Hugs
Deborah
@LC12 My Dad died in March & as the youngest of 4, I felt it fell to me to put it together aswell as helping mum make the arrangements. My Dad never expressed any specific wishes but I knew what he enjoyed music-wise. I then put a timeline together of his life for the celebrant & it was tailor made for him. Both happy & sad. I think he’d have loved it. Your mum obviously wants to do her best by your Dad & I can understand her changing things to make it perfect for him. Have you spoken to the vicar or celebrant because their help can be invaluable in guiding you through this process with suggestions. X