Funeral tomorrow

Losing a partner
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My husband’s funeral is tomorrow. Waiting for his brothers and sisters to fly in later today. Trying to focus just on the funeral but there is so much within that now just when I thought it was organised.

Funeral director just phoned me to let me know the photo I sent for on top of the coffin is too pixelated (which took a lot of effort to get as electrics problem had meant I couldn’t access any of our photos on the computer). I asked him if he’d heard from the minister and he says he doesn’t get involved in that.

I phoned the minister just now as hadn’t heard from him since Friday when I’d emailed him to let him know the eulogy he’d sent me halfway through started talking about George and my husband is called René. Also he thanked the nursing home at the end when my husband died of a heart attack suddenly so I’d asked him to thank the paramedics.
He seemed very flippant with me and said he’ll look at it tonight and ring me around 7 (the funeral is early tomorrow) when I will be dealing with my relatives.

Now on top of it my stepdad was taking the car to asda car wash before tomorrow as we will go to the funeral in that tomorrow and it has broken down just now. Probably its serious as yesterday we went over a massive bump when he was driving me from theirs to mine. So he and my brother had to push the car in the cold fog and now await rescue.

I feel like screaming. As if it all wasn’t hard enough.

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HI there
I am so sorry to hear you are having yet more problems.
I was lucky that the funeral directors sent a lovely man to see me who was doing the service. I wrote it all out and we went through it together. I was going to read some of it but decided not to. He did my husband proud and it was a lovely service.
Yes, I agree be firm with the minister or could any of your husbands relatives take over and do the eulogy. Have a chat with them, don’t take it all on yourself which I get the impression you are doing.
I took a photo of my husband to a photography shop and they enlarged it. I am sure you will find a shop that will do an emergency job. I can’t say about the car unless someone can help you out. If it has to stay at the garage have they one they can let you use as a courtesy car or you can possibly hire one for an hour or two. Explain the circumstances.
Above all, please don’t get yourself into a panic. Stay calm. We will be thinking of you.
Pat
xxx

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Hi it sounds as if the chosen funeral directors aren’t very professional leaving it so late to tell you tho photo isn’t clear enough , and for other professionals involved getting names wrong etc . Lie you said things are tough enough for you and my heart goes out to you . However I am sure that with all this that’s happening you will do your husband proud and I’m certain he will be aware of the struggle you have had to endure through no fault of your own and that you have done your level best to do things as you had planned .
Hold your head high tomorrow and know in your heart you did your best and that’s all that can be asked of you and you can do no more .
My thoughts will be with you tomorrow sending hugs .
Please take comfort and strength In posting on this site I have found it a fantastic help for me in the last 10 weeks when I lost my husband suddenly following a heart attack .

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Thank you all for your thoughts and best wishes, this place is becoming my retreat and knowing you all have done this or know how it feels makes me feel less alone and brings me back a bit.

The car is fixed and has done a few test journeys.

The photo I decided to leave as it is as from a distance (as we will be due to covid rules not allowed to go to the coffin) it is OK, it just won’t be one I can keep afterwards but since I have photos all over the house of us in almost every room that’s OK.

Minister has been corrected and seems more in shape. We couldn’t meet due to covid so it was all on phone/email.

My in-laws arrived from the Netherlands and I went to the Chapel of rest to meet them this evening.

Alarm set for 6.30, allowing two hours to get ready not because I will wear fancy clothes or be well groomed but because I seem to take an age to do very small tasks now and I don’t want to be late for this one.
Thanks again. I’ll let you know how it goes.

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Oh god it’s so hard isn’t it. I remember the day before my husbands funeral I was sent the confirmation and they had only booked one car instead of two! I had to do a last minute plea for them to book another car from somewhere. Not what you need at this time is it. I do hope that the day goes smoothly for you tomorrow and that you find a bit of calmness. I did find after the stress of it all, I did feel a bit calmer. All the best to you. Love Liz x

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I will be thinking of you tomorrow
Cheryl x

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Dear FleurDelLis, Sounds like you have a a real family crisis on your hands. You basically sound like your heart is in the right place (I’ve been there too). All I can say and do is wish and hope everything will go well at the funeral for you and your devoted husband. I wanted to tell you that I appreciated your feedback on a few of my messages to most of you people. I am truly sorry for you and your endeavers and I truly hope all goes well for you. Please take care of yourself! Hope all goes well for you. Best wishes!
Herb

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Hi I’m sooooo pleased most things have fallen into place for you for today . Now hold your head high and do him proud . Be there for your family and take comfort from them being there for you , you have a tough few months ahead of you, but like you said this site is the place to be afterwards with people who have gone through it or going through it . Stay strong and keep in touch sending hugs for today take care stay safe x x x kazzer

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Well Done, you stayed calm, took a deep breath and you got it all sorted. Be proud of yourself. I will be thinking of you.
Pat
xx

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When I put him up in my home and heard his story, I was mostly thinking of his mother (my recently deceased wife). Apparently, even though he is nothing like his mother (too bad). In a way, it was a disapointment for me, but I guess that’s the way it is. Thank you all for the moral support! Yes, I do breathe easier now- he went back to his wife and kids - so no hard feelings so far.
Herb

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Thank you Kazzer,
Herb

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Hope today has gone smoothly. Thinking about you x

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I really drew strength from these messages yesterday and the night before even though I didn’t type back thank you all x

I was beside myself in the morning (hardly slept too) but put on comfy clothes including my husband’s walking top, a necklace he’d given me and managed to be ready in time despite some panicking. My stepdad’s car worked and my mum and brother were with me too.

When we arrived I didn’t think I could get out of the car but then saw my sister in law who looks so much like my René.

My brothers in law from Holland were pall bearers and I walked behind them in. There was some commotion as one of my friends (the same one who told me last week that I will meet someone else! She gets quite awkward) messed up the covid seating plan and upset one half of the Chapel sitting in lots of seats so elderly family then had no seat and there were empty seats inside whilst people stood outside due to that which was a shame as I missed the first song then trying to rectify it but it was OK and I know she didn’t mean to.

It was a lovely service but I was feeling quite alone because we all had to sit 2m from each other and I was struggling to breathe at some points in the beginning looking at the coffin. Then my lovely 4 in-laws (2 of Renés brothers and his two sisters) did a reading of his life. They said some lovely things including that they saw he was so happy here in England with me and that I will still be part of the family, as well as some funny anecdotes that finally felt really authentic amidst all this weird unfamiliar funeral stuff. It meant a lot and then the minister reminded us of people watching online since it was being webcasted to other relatives in the Netherlands who couldn’t make it. This made me feel close to my husband.

It was over quite quick and then we walked past the flowers and stood in the car park for a little while speaking to people, not that easy with our masks on and 2m apart but it was funny how much comfort I got speaking to all these people around the full spectrum of René.

Afterwards I went for a walk through the autumn leaves in the gardens with my close family and René’s siblings, showing them places I’d walked with René and sharing more memories. His sisters each gave me a bracelet and they gave me a bottle of Dutch spirit so we can all toast René together on his birthday next month over videocall.

It was a really special day to me and afterwards I felt almost like I’d been with René. Didn’t think I would enjoy a funeral ever and was particularly dreading this one but it was the first joy I’ve had since he died because it was all about him.

Last night I slept around 4 hours unbroken which was very good. Today the feeling of comfort is wearing off and I know this is only the beginning but at least this one day showed me it was possible to feel close to him still.

Thanks again for your good luck messages and I was so grateful to the people who came to the funeral even though I didn’t really care who came or anything beforehand as I didn’t think it all mattered. I didn’t think anyone but him could comfort me in any way but talking about him like this was the next best thing and I am quite surprised at the comfort I felt from you here and the people there.

Today I am taking it easy but there was a weird development with the electrics overnight too, I didn’t do anything with them but this morning some of the broken motion sensor lights work again and the automatic curtains and blinds opened themselves at sunlight. Some hope maybe.

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Thank you TWMA, I don’t usually believe in that stuff but yes it feels like a sign. At least it made me feel a bit better.

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Hi there
I am so pleased for you and that you managed to get through the funeral.
It is strange that the funeral doesn’t turn out quite as bad as we expect. I didn’t want to go to Brian’s, I wanted to go off on my own and grieve alone It passes like a dream but it is nice that it is all about them and like you I felt some comfort, an emotion I didn’t expect.
Your in-laws sound lovely, perhaps you could plan a visit to them at a later date. Keep in touch with them as they sound very supportive.
I am not surprised at the electrics working again. This sort of thing does happen. I found it very comforting.
Take care
Pat xx

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I’m so pleased it went well for you and that you found some comfort. I hope as you move forward, you can maintain the feeling of closeness, as he will always be in your heart x

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I am so pleased that you felt comfort at the funeral of your deeply loved husband. Like you, I had heaps of disasters beforehand. One part of the Eulogy was being prepared and written by someone the funeral director had recommended but I never heard from him until the last minute.The cross on top of my husband’s coffin was supposed to be the length of coffin but was only tiny. The funeral director denied it was the wrong order but I clearly remember one of the staff showing me the size by stretching her arms out. They had no actual copies of an order of service to show me and the woman paid to do them had not contacted me until day before funeral so I never saw a sample. Like you though the day passed over without problems and I managed to give a talk myself and read a poem I had written. It gave me comfort to know how many dear friends and work colleagues attended and I gained strength from them. You still have a long journey but you will get stronger and find that the rawness subsides a little. I am so glad you held your head high and made your husband proud!

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I’m happy it went well for you and that you got thru it OK. Happy for you!
Herb