My mum died 12 days ago after being diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer ( never smoked)
It was a shock as she has been so well and had no symptoms . Diagnosis to death was 10 weeks .
We are a small family , my sister lives abroad and so it’s only me and my dad … sister currently home but returning to her home after funeral .
So this leaves just me to be here for my dad .
My mum was my everything , my best friend, my soul mate , I am not dealing with it and in bed all the time … I do try to get out to walk the dogs, but this past week I am so much worse .
My dad and sister are grieving totally different to me and they are having a little dig here and there about how I need to be handling this … which has turned into an argument between my sister and I … which has made my grief so much worse as I now want my mum even more …
I am not close to my sister or Dad , my mum was my person … I feel completely isolated , I don’t want to see anyone or do anything , I keep putting my friends off from visiting , I just can’t face anybody
I also am completely freaking out about the funeral coming up … I know I won’t cope with seeing the coffin and I certainly don’t want to see people and have them tell me how wonderful my mum was , I know what I have lost and it’s painful enough .
I just can’t go to the funeral , my legs won’t carry me , I am so weak all the time and I think I will end up running out when they talk about my mother .
I know how awful this sounds , not to go to your own mothers funeral , but it is just too much for me to bare … I know this may cause more arguments , but I am at a point where I need to look after my own mental health …
it’s all such a mess
I really feel for you. I lost my mum aged 90 in May this year. I am an only child and had to deal with everything on my own. I didn’t think I could cope. What I found really helpful, the day before the funeral, was going to visit my mum in the chapel of rest. I didn’t think I could do it, but I did. I don’t know how, but I know seeing her the day before got me through the next day of the funeral so well. I think seeing her put my mind at ease the next day. I was dreading seeing the coffin arrive at my mum’s home ready to leave for her church service, but knowing she was in there and how she exactly looked… it really put my mind at ease. But I did it wonderfully. I thought so much about her, and how lovely I looked in my special outfit and how she would be so proud of me. I think getting ready for the funeral on that morning completely distracted me from how I thought I would feel. Believe me, I never thought leading up to the days before the funeral, that I would be able to do it, but I did. I even had some diazepam ready from the doctors in case I needed them but I didn’t. You will cope. It’s amazing how adrenaline kicks in on the day, and you may be on auto-pilot throughout the day. I didn’t shed a tear at the funeral, and I was utterly amazed. My mum had a burial and I did shed a few tears at the graveside. I had been so scared as to how I would feel. The not knowing if you are going to get through it or burst into a heap of a mess. I think she helped me through that day. I did it all on my own with a few not so close family there. Just wanted to pass on how proud I was of myself, but I know everyone is different. Be strong for her.
Thank you for your reply … I am sorry for your loss .
I may go to the chapel of rest and see the coffin , I know the lid is on now , the opportunity for me to see her has passed as I chose not to … but certainly going to see the coffin before hand may be an idea …
I don’t think I want it to be real and if see the coffin it will be … I am in a terrible place… I can’t even muster up the strength to be strong for my children atm …
I always knew I would be awful when something happened to my mum … but didn’t realise I would be this bad … she was my best friend … my biggest cheerleader , we knew each others thoughts and feelings … we were so close …
Hiw can I cope with not seeing her for the rest of my life …
Hi, sorry for the pain of this devastating loss. I feel for you, it’s so very hard to accept the death of a beloved mum. Try to think of the funeral as a thanksgiving service for your Mum, the recognition of everything she gave you as she raised you. There’s no doubt, it’s hard to see the coffin, but actually seeing it does help you to process what’s happened. I read a poem at my Mum’s service and it was a struggle but I was glad I did it. I felt it was important to honour my Mum by being strong. Everyone grieves in their own way so remind your family of this and don’t let anyone impose expectations on you. Wishing you strength and courage to cope with this difficult time…xx
@Honey11 Firstly, I’m sorry you’re going thru this. I do think if you don’t go to the funeral, you’ll regret it forever. It’s something you can never get back. When my Dad died in March, I dreaded the funeral. I’d worried for weeks how I’d get thru it. I’d seen him in the chapel of rest, that didn’t help. My mum even had him home for one night which was strangely comforting. The day itself was a blur but I’m glad I went. The funeral directors were all marvellous. I sincerely hope you manage to accompany your mum on her final journey. Best wishes to you moving fwd. X
Thank you so much for your advice , I will take it on board …
I am sorry for your loss also …
maybe I am over thinking things and just need to go with it on the day …
I just don’t know how on earth I will live the rest of my life without her …
Thank goodness for this forum , as I don’t feel I can show my true feelings to my dad and sister as they are also grieving , but so differently to myself …
Thank you again xx
Thank you so much for your advice and telling me your own experience … glad I am not the only one who is experiencing these feelings .
I am so sorry for your loss also
I have tried telling both my sister and my dad that everyone grieves different … but I still feel like they are preaching to me on how to deal with things which is making me feel angry at the moment as I am not preaching to them on how their coping mechanisms … my sister is meeting friends and getting on with things , but I don’t feel ready for that yet … I can barely be bothered to get in shower and brush my teeth .
Thanks again for the support xx
@Honey11 I know what you mean. We all deal with grief differently. There’s no right or wrong way. Some internalise their grief. The early days for me were like yours. I wanted to get into bed & stay there. I’m the youngest of 4 & the only girl. One of my brothers refuses to talk about Dad but my eldest brother & me msg everyday about different things. If you’re the closest to your mum then your grief will be more acute. You just have to work thru it in your own time & on your own terms. Don’t feel pressured according to someone else’s grief schedule. X
Hi Honey11
So sorry for the loss of your mother. Like you it was just me and mum and in the last few years of her life I was her carer. We had good and bad days but when she died suddenly in front of me I just didn’t know what to do I felt so lost without her. There are days when I feel like not getting out of bed but I make myself do it and try to keep busy I’m the only one sorting things out to do with my mum . Like you I’m not close to my dad or brother ,my parents were divorced and my brother was not close to mum. The funeral is on Monday 7th really not looking forward to it I know it is going to be a hard day to deal with not a lot of people going ,im going with my cousin she has supported me a lot in the last few weeks and you need that support, she also came with me to see mum in the Chapel of rest ,which I wasn’t sure I wanted to go but was glad I did in the end to say a final goodbye. You are going to have good and bad days but you need support and help and hopefully has time goes on things will get a bit better it all takes time and everyone deals with grief in there own way . You have the memories of your mum think about the good times and she aways be in your heart. Take care Gem7
You could always ask them to open the lid, if you feel ready. It may really help you process it all. I found it extremely helpful. I asked other friends before whether I should see her one last time and many said “no”. But when I got there, the lid was open and I saw her hands and decided to go for it. So glad I did. It may really help you. I really hope so. xx
Just wanted you all to know … I attended my mums funeral … I didn’t think I could do it , as awful as that sounds , but I did it !!
It is a blur and sometimes my legs wouldn’t carry me forward and I literally had to hand on to my dad and my husband , but with the support and love of the rest of my family … I did it and I am so glad I did .
Thank you to each and everyone of you for your support as your advice had a massive impact and gave me strength
@Honey11 Well done you!!! I’m glad you went. It was the last thing you could do for your mum aswell as supporting your Dad. I remember the sheer anxiety sitting in a funeral car, following a hearse with DAD floral tributes facing us. I wanted to be anywhere but going thru that experience. I do think you should be proud of yourself getting thru it. I bet your mum would be!!
I was exactly the same on Tuesday when we had my dad’s funeral following behind the hearse with DAD floral tributes facing towards us.
Felt surreal but so real at the same time.
We had waited 4 weeks for this day to come.
Couldn’t really keep it together at all at the service but most my family members were distraught.
In the end, I had my head on the coffin telling my dad through tears how much I love him and he can be free from any pain and suffering.
Couldn’t bare to leave him but my partner had to pull me away as the curtains closed.
A lot of people attended so I hope he knows how much he is loved by all of us.
Strange but when I worked for a retail store for 14 years before being made redundant last year, my dad would always come and visit me there every week or every other week but I got my new job this year the same week my dad got diagnosed with cancer and he was too ill and in pain to come and see me at my new place of work. On Tuesday, the route to the crematorium just so happened to go past there and it seemed like it was meant to be that dad finally got to see where I worked.
@RedVelvet21 Sorry for your loss. We also waited a while for the funeral. 5 weeks because of Easter, the hospital keeping his body longer due to paperwork & it seemed to really exacerbate the grief. There was all that build up & then afterwards, nothing. He was still dead & our lives carry on. I remember kissing my Dad’s coffin before I left the service. The curtains remained open, I don’t think I could’ve coped with the closed option. That’s lovely that your cortège went past your workplace so he could see it. I’m sure he’d be chuffed with that. Best wishes & thanks for sharing
take it on board …
There was all that build up & then afterwards, nothing. He was still dead & our lives carry on. I remember kissing my Dad’s coffin before I left the service. The curtains remained open, I don’t think I could’ve coped with the closed option. That’s lovely that your cortège went past your workplace so he could see it. I’m sure he’d be chuffed with that. Best wishes & thanks for sharing 