Furious at my partner's family.

1st post. Hello everyone. I’ve been reading this forum for a few weeks now and it has helped me so thank you all. I lost the love of my life 7 weeks ago. I am heartbroken and lost. We had been together just shy of 20 years. I know with grief comes anger but I am furious with his family (nephews and nieces) for not mentioning me at the funeral. I nursed him through prostate cancer for many years when they didn’t even attend one hospital appointment. I don’t expect thanks but the fact that our relationship wasn’t even mentioned at the funeral is eating away at me. It was like I was invisible. We are/where a gay couple, obviously. It’s odd because they never appeared to have a problem with him being gay so I don’t think it’s that. Has anyone else received such shoddy behaviour from your late partner’s family? I’m aghast.

Hello Noggin, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. To lose someone you have loved for so many years is a nightmare in itself but to know his family never recognised you as his partner at the funeral makes the nightmare so much worse. To be honest, you are better off without people like them in your life, you have enough to contend with at the moment getting through each day. I remember when my younger sister died 24 years ago. It was the day of her funeral and her husband, mother-in-law and father-in-law and some more distant relations were all sat on the front pew. Our mum, myself, my husband and our sons were sat behind them but we should have been sat with them instead of the distant relatives we did not know. The vicar gave his speech and when he mentioned my sisters family, my family and even our mother, was not mentioned, it was as if we never existed. As we were leaving the church my husband was livid and asked the vicar why, when it was her daughter’s funeral there was no mention of her mother, sister and family and he said, I am so sorry, I didn’t know, they never told me. We left the church and for the next 17 years we never, ever spoke to them again. One by one my sisters in-laws and family died and we never attended their funeral. My husband died three years ago and my brother-in-law died two years ago, he rang to give me his condolences when my husband died, but it was too little, too late. Now there is just me and our sons and grandchildren. What hurts, and it will hurt you too, is you are in so much pain as you have lost the love of your life but it is spoiled by the anger you feel towards his family. Let it go, let them go, and grieve they way you should grieve for your late partner, without hate in your heart because believe you me, anger and hurt should be no part of grieving and I know. It broke my mum’s heart when her daughter died and for the next 17 years she never got over it or forgot what they had done to her and it made her an angry, bitter lady until she died. I had my husband and son’s to get me through it but our mum lived alone and all she had was her anger and hate towards her son-in-law and his family. Live your life one day at a time, you have your memories and they can’t take those away from you so just let it go. Don’t let them spoil those memories for you, they are not worth it. Sheila xx

Thank you so much Sheila, thank you so, so much for understanding. I’m so sorry the same thing happened to you. I miss Danny terribly but I won’t let the negativity impinge on my memories. My family and friends were fantastic; very supportive at the funeral. Bless you. xxx

You are very welcome, no-one can take away your memories and you will always remember the happy times you and Danny had together. At the moment you will cry when you look at photos, you will cry when a song comes on that you both loved, it is three years for me now and I still cry. I once saw this on a poster, 'The more you grieve, the more you loved. ’ You will never, ever forget him or stop loving him, but you will survive this with the love of your family and friends. I wish you all the best. Sheilaxxxx

You have lifted me, Sheila. I hope you have a beautiful day. xxx

Thank you, and you take care, remember, if you ever need to talk, we are all here for you, we have all lost someone we loved very much and know the heartache that we have to live with day by day. Love Sheilax

Dear Noggin,

I wanted to say how sorry I am to read of how you were treated by your Danny’s family. It really is no way to behave towards a long standing partner and I am so glad you can rise above it with the help of your family and friends.

You have lots of friends here. Everyone can empathise with you and is happy to chat, support or advise you.

I have been visiting this forum for nearly a year now and have found it has helped me so much. Just having people day and night to chat to does help. That 3am feeling when you cannot sleep for thinking about your loss is the worst I find.

Keep your head held high. You are the better person who looked after Danny and supported him. Treasure your memories of him and forget those who have behaved so badly. They are not worth your air space.

love
Mel

Thank you so much, Mel. Your words mean the world to me right now. xxx

Dear Noggin.
So sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved Danny and of how you were treated at his funeral. I lost by beautiful 24 year old son in an accident 4 months ago so like you I am early on in my grief, but it is very true that the more you love the more you grieve and I know that your Danny and my son Jacob were and are truely loved and no one and nothing can ever take that from you or from me.
Life is hard, I cry for my son everyday, often many times a day, but I allow myself to grieve but my son would not have want to hurt me and I am sure that your Danny will let you have some time to grieve but ultimately he will want you to be happy again.
I like you am finding it very hard to go back to things that I did before I lost my son, I return to work in a week and am dreading it, dreading the looks, the questions and dreading people desperately trying not to mention Jakes name. I know that me life has to change, I am not the same person, I have a whole in my heart now and I cannot go back to who I am, but I will somehow must get through this and make my son proud of me and I know that you will make Danny proud to.
Take care and always be kind to yourself and remember, love never dies.
Janet

Dear Janet,

Thank you so much for your kind words. You’ve got my tears flowing now - which is probably a good thing. I can’t even comprehend what pain you must be going through. Danny had a full and long life. Your Boy was taken way too soon. Please accept my condolences. I’ve always loved the name Jacob. You named him well. Please, please take care of yourself and thanks once again for taking the time to speak to me. You sound like one amazing woman. Much love to you. x

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Dear Noggin.
Thank you for your reply. We wanted to give our children names that were personal to us. Jacob was an amazing young man and myself and his dad will eternally be proud of the person he became. I will always be grateful that he was my son, even with all this pain and suffering, I would not change a moment with him. I am sure you must be grateful for the time you got to spend with Danny. I wish we could of met under different circumstances.
Take care
Janet

Hi Noggin,
I know exactly how you feel. I last my soul mate of 42 years in May last year.
I nursed her through cancer twice, and for a year after an horrific car accident. Her brothers were nowhere to be seen.3 days after she died of an an aneurysm I had a cardiac arrest and was given only a 5% chance of surviving, but survive I did. They didn’t even enquire as to how I was. I was released from hospital the day of her funeral, where they ignored me. They then waded in and took all her money because there was no will and we didn’t go down the route of a civil partnership.
Their behaviour hindered my emotional recovery, of that there is no doubt.
But I found a perfect quote. " There is a time when you have to choose whether to turn the page or close the book "
I have closed the book. They aren’t worth taking up space in my thoughts.
The love we shared was ours and wonderful. So it will be again when we will be reunited.
Stay strong and God bless.

Thank you so much Toby. You have been through an horrendous experience, I’m so, so sorry. I admire your strength for keeping going and I hope you are healing. I just don’t understand how people can be so insensitive. You are absolutely right about closing the book. I won’t be having anything to do with the family in future, though I doubt they’ll be contacting me anyway. Luckily I have my own family who’ve been fantastically supportive. Take care of yourself and much Love to you.