It’s 2 yrs since my husband died. I still feel like I have no life. Mostly because I have lost my confidence and I can’t see the future. I talk to friends who are planning their futures and I am pleased for them. But it highlights I can’t see my future. My life was my family, my children have their own lives, that’s all gone.
I go to groups,visit friends, but I feel so alone even in company. I’m probably feeling sorry for my self, I apologise. I have no one who understands
Does anybody understand where I’m coming from? How do I get my life back?
If anyone reads this, thank you

Dear Verity, no apology needed. Most of us here will understand exactly where you’re coming from. I think we’re entitled to feel sorrow for ourselves sometimes. We’re fighting a constant battle and some days we win but then some days we lose - it’s inevitable. We’ve lost our life partner. It hurts! It bloody hurts! We may smile and laugh but inside it still hurts and nobody can see that. I hate it when friends and family talk about their plans. It may sound selfish but it just accentuates what I’ve lost and can never have again. I even hate it when they discuss their husbands, I feel so out of the conversation. It’s not their fault.

As for the future, well we do have one, just not the one we thought we would have. Damn it! That future has gone forever. We now have to carve out our own future, a very different future, alone. It sounds awful, even as I type it, it sounds bloody awful. :tired_face:

At the end of March I’m going on a holiday with family as in son, brothers, sister, nephews plus relevant spouses, so quite a gang. I am looking forward to this, very much. I would much rather my husband was coming along though. I know he’ll be with us in spirit but I want him there physically. I want to touch him, feel his arms around me, hold his hand while out walking. I want to be able to see him, see his head go back as he laughs. I what to hear his constant chatter, hear the banter between him and my brothers. Alas, none of that can happen so I have to be satisfied with his spirit. It’s definitely not what I would choose but it’s all I’ve got so I must get on with it. I know I’ll have a nice time, I know I will.

So yes Verity, we can feel sorry for ourselves, even wallow in self pity on occasion (but not too often, it’s not good for us!). We’ve managed to come this far. We will go on, yearning for someone/something we can’t have. Someone once wrote on here and I quote:
’ My future will not, can not, be as happy as my past. The future is a poor substitute for the past given that my quota of daily happiness has been significantly reduced in the absence of my husband. Without my husband life is not the happy adventure it was and never will be again. ’

Another wrote:
’ The plan is to feel strengthend to see my way forward…for my new life to encapsulate the previous life but not to be drowned by it. Look for the glimpses of light, then look some more. ’

I wrote those two pieces out and I look at them often. I can relate to them. The second is good advice. The first conveys realism and acceptance. I think that acceptance is key. Not acceptance of my husband dying (as CW quite rightly said recently) but acceptance that this is my lot, this is me now. I think once we accept then perhaps we can carry on. Always with stumbles though, oh yes, we will always stumble.

This reply has turned into rather a lengthy one I’m afraid. I was only going to send a few words of agreement so to sum up Verity, yes, I understand. I went a long way round just to say that, didn’t I? :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye::face_with_hand_over_mouth: :kissing_heart:

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To Verity , it’s 18 months yesterday for me and my feelings match yours exactly.

To Crazy Kate , as always words of wisdom from youv to think on and help with the onward journey in this new life we never thought would happen to us !
We just have to be brave and strong , there is no other option xx

Hi Verity,
I feel the same as you do.
It’s nearly 2 years since my partner died and I feel worse than ever.
Despite counselling, doctors, Samaritans, keeping busy and all the other stuff they tell you to do I can’t imagine ever having a life worth living again.
It’s 4.30 am , yet again I’ve been awake all night, even though I walked about 10 miles and did an hours gardening during the day.
Nothing helps , I am so tired of being brave and struggling on , what on earth is the point of it all?
My counsellor said " I have hope for you " but I’ve got no hope at all of any kind of life.
All I can say is I have a good idea of how hopeless you feel. Sadme

Thank you so much for your replies, they came just when I really needed them.

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I have just read this week’s letter in the After Talk website on Dr. Niemeyer’s questions and answers.
It may help explain some of how we feel and why we feel so "hopeless about the future "
I always find his letters and replies very helpful and understanding of grief and how it affects you. Just thought I’d share this. Sadme