Not sure where to start really.
It’s only just hit me these last 2 months that my Dad and Mum are actually gone and are not coming back!
I’ve denied it for years (13 with my Dad / 2.5 with mum)
Ive talked myself out of feeling how i felt, i have pretended for so so long that i am “ok” … i am NOT ok. Im wide awake at 4am finally seeking advise because i can’t carry on with the mask. All i want to do is drink to try drown the new feelings and fear i have but in turn makes me anxious and also hate myself. Its Christmas Day tomorrow and all i want is my family!
Sorry everyone. Hope someone can relate 
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Lozza. You must have been very close to your parents as my wife was with hers. She never went a day without thinking of or talking about how she missed them. They’d lived with her, and with us when we bought a house together so we were a very close knit family of 8 in one 4 bedroom house. That brought them even closer. If we were away she’d call them or they’d call her at least 3 or 4 times a day. So it was very hard for her when they died in 2004 and 2008. We also lost my own mum just 3 days after hers in 2004, and I lost my dad in 2005. With other deaths, that made 7 family deaths in 12 months! I loved my parents dearly but we lived 60 miles apart and as a family we never felt the need to be talking so regularly. So when my parents died I perhaps didn’t feel the pain in the same way as my wife did over her own parents.
So yes, through my wife’s experience I can relate to your experience. I think that he amount of grief we feel is directly related to the closeness of our relationship to the people we have lost.
Thinking of you at this time. Much love M
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Thank you for reaching out and so sorry for yours and your wifes losses.
I’m not sure why its hit so hard this year, maybe the groups i joined on facebook months ago, who knows but i wasnt ready for this overwhelming pain and upset. It’s Christmas Eve and instead of being excited i feel sorrow. Of course I’ll put on my brave face for my 19 year old son and my neice and nephews but my partner doesn’t relate which hurts. His mum passed in 2020 and he seems ok shall we say. Suppose i thought i was but all i want is my mum and dad back. I need them
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Maybe we men cope better with parental loss? I know i did, and my brother too, but my sister was inconsolable. We men seem to be far worse with coping when losing our spouses than losing our parents. I also think sometimes we men tend to bottle our grief rather than let it out.
I know that I’m just a single word or a single photo away from being a total wreck after losing my wife last month but I coped far better with losing my parents.
Take care. M
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Im so sorry x
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@Lozza84 ,
So sorry to hear you are having a tough time but well done for reaching out. 
Grief is individual and there is no timeline on it.
If you are interested there have been some scientific studies on the stages of grief of which denial is a stage.
There is no chronological order to these stages and you can move back and forwards between them.
Maybe the time is now right to reach out for some professional bereavement counselling, it certainly helped me.
Have you spoken with your partner and/or your son.
Talking to someone can really help.
Take care
If you find yourself in Crisis please remember the Samaritans 
116123 or Shout 85258 (txt Shout to 85258) are there 24/7
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