Getting it out there. I miss dad.

Hello. This is my first time here so I wanted to tell my story and get it out there because my head is a mess.

I was diagnosed with covid 19 at the beginning of feb. My husband and kids also had it but not as bad. Before we got the result we just thought we had snotty head colds. It was my daughters birthday and stupidly, regrettably and devastatingly, my parents came over for the first time in months. They caught covid from me. The day they tested positive was the day they were booked for their first vaccination.
At day 10 I was put into a virtual covid ward due to lack of oxygen. I was very close to being sent to hospital but managed to wing it. In the meantime dad was showing cold symptoms. No one ever mentioned keeping an eye on oxygen levels. When we eventually checked, his were 85%. You have to be above 92 to stay out of hospital. He was taken to hospital the next day. He walked in for a scan, and within an hr he was put on oxygen. He was told he would be home in 2-3 days, then it was 7-10 days. He hated being on the bipap mask. I’ve never seen him so vulnerable. We talked via video call every day for a week. But on the Saturday, 6 days in, he deteriorated and was put on a ventilator. 6 days later, we held him as he passed away aged 68.
He had covid pneumonia, bacterial pneumonia, failed kidneys, heart was erratic, oxygen levels were :100: and his blood pressure was off the chart. The doctors/ nurses were amazing. And we were lucky to be with him when he passed.
5 weeks on, I can’t get my head around it. I have a lot of guilt. I miss dad so much, I struggle to cry and when I think of his last day I shut off. Cant cope with it. My strong, unbreakable dad managed to make it 68yrs of crap through life to be killed off by a stupid virus. Such a damn waste of a man that loved life. I’m heartbroken.

Hi kate,

I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad, to this horrible virus. I lost my dad 2 months ago in similar circumstances. My dad was 56yrs old, very fit and healthy. He tested positive in early January, his only symptoms being nauseous and breathless. After a visit to his GP, he was sent directly to A&E due to his blood oxygen levels being at 74%. Myself and family genuinely thought we would be collecting him from hospital the same day, how wrong we were. He spent a week on a C-pac and his last week in a coma, until sadly passing on 25/01/21. We would ring numerous times a day for updates, not being able to go in and sit with him breaks my heart. Myself and family are distraught, we’re still struggling to come to terms with his passing.
I hope you are able to surround yourself with family or friends, to help support you through your grief.
Take care of yourself,

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Those numerous daily updates, clinging onto any tiny bit of positive. I remember well. I’m sorry to u. Just cruel x

I used to ring the hospital 4 times a day for updates. Towards the end I only ever asked one question ‘what’s his oxygen and his sats at?’

Gradually watching them climb higher and higher and get lower and lower.

I also gave my partner covid. The guilt is truly horrific.

Does anyone else hear the constant alarms from the ventilator? Stephen used to not breathe in sync with it so when we were on FaceTime calls it would make this horrendous alarm sound. I can still hear it.

I had to change my ring tone on my phone bevause everytime it rang I would get flashbacks from the hospital.

Yea I think the only thing that really changed was the oxygen levels. So we would cling to the tiny positives, and that maybe he had a comfortable night. But the conversations always ended with ‘you need to remember he is not in a good way’ and it knocked u down to reality. Our calls would be 7am, 1pm and 10 pm. The staff were amazing. Ok O
On the day dad passed away, we were called in. Things were getting no better and infact it was starting to cause more harm than good. The decision was made by the doctors to switch off the ventilator and let him go. But that decision has weighed heavy on my mind ever since. Maybe I should have pushed to keep him going, maybe he needed a little longer. Dads brother even asked if we felt we did the right thing, not that it was our decision.
I know I’m to blame for dad getting covid. Just wish I could turn back time - 8 weeks ago life was great. Now I just want to wake up from this nightmare.

I also had to make the decision to let them turn down the ventilator. The one thing that brings me comfort in that is that they didn’t turn the machine off. They turn it down to ‘normal oxygen levels’ they don’t stop them breathing.

I wouldn’t have been able to do it if I hadn’t have seen his X-rays. Had realised the damage to his lungs.

We may have been able to keep him alive for longer but it wouldn’t have been a life he recognised or wanted.

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Thankyou. It’s good to know I’m not going crazy at this moment

Re the crazy. You probably are. I know I am.

But you can’t go through an experience like this and not be a little bit crazy. The human brain can cope with so much.

I had a full on screaming match with my kettle earlier. Utter bonkers.

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Who won?

I’m going to apply for my dads hospital papers. If I can understand more about what happened, I might get a little closure.

I looked into that (the papers) apparently it’s really really hard to get them as they are kept confidential even after death unless you are raising a complaint over how he was treated.

I don’t think anyone won. It wouldn’t turn on - I may have screeched something that only dogs can hear about how can you f******* abandon me as well.

Then I realised it had been unplugged. It didn’t seem to take it personally.