"Getting over it"

Hi, so I have posted before, today, 5 months after my mum died I finally went through her hospital bags. She walked into hospital on Dec for tests and died 3 weeks later. It was so difficult as I could still smell her scent on the clothes. Tonight I am so low, I feel like I have lost friends because I am grieving, 1 in particular had called me the night before the funeral and when I cried they asked me what’s happened, I wanted to scream at them my Mums dead did you forget that! My husband who had spinal surgery on April and I know is in a lot pain has just basically told me I am being selfish in my grief, I’m back working, he is fed, house is cleaned but because I am having a bad day it’s time I " got over it" He still has his parents and now I have lost both, I have nowhere to go because of lockdown but I feel like getting in the car and never coming back. :broken_heart:


Louise k,
You are grieving and it’s only been 5 months. That’s no time at all.
You are not selfish. Take your time to grieve, as that’s probably the healthy thing to do.
I lost my Mum eight months ago. I still can’t believe she’s gone.
Keep posting on these threads, as people on here understand how difficult and painful it is.
Take care


Thank you, I have found comfort here and found myself turning to this today instead of getting in the car and doing something I couldn’t undo. Your right I think it takes a long time, and even then we never really stop grieving .

Louise I lost mum 9 months ago I still cry practically every day. If my husband said that to me after 5 months I would be absolutely livid and hurt. It takes years to feel an ounce of normality. This is your mum. You don’t get over losing your mum. Ever!!! You just learn to cope better but certainly not in 5 months. It’s such early days and I’m so sorry that your husband is not taking you in your arms and comforting you like he should. Surgery or no surgery. Your are not being selfish here. Xx


Hi Louise_K,

I’m so sorry to hear about your Mum. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed.

I think you could really do with some support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area. Please be aware that GPs and support services are not currently offering face-to-face appointments, but will usually be offering telephone or online alternatives.

You deserve care and support so please, Louise_K, get in touch with one of these services.

If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

Take care,

Online Community team

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I don’t think you ever get over it. You just learn to live with it. People can be so insensitive. It’s been 7 months since losing dad but nobody expects us to be over it. Hopefully you find our support helpful.

I agree, you miss them forever, but eventually it should all feel less raw.

I’m so sorry your husband is not being more supportive, although I understand having surgery might be influencing him negatively. Still, if you can do it calmly, do tell him that you will never get over it but you will learn to cope better, but you need time and support, from him as well as others. YOu’re both in need right now and that’s difficult, but grieving is so very hard, and I don’t think he understands how lonely it makes you. Look for support here and get in touch with the Sue Ryder org for counseling, I am finding it really helpful, in a very dark situation.
Many hugs and love

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Ah Louise, reading your post I felt my head knod the entire time. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s been 8 months since I lost my Dad and I find myself crumbling all the time. My Dad was my best friend and I found him at home after suffering a massive heart attack. The shock of it all has drained the life out of me. I have absolutely nothing left. My boyfriend sounds like your husband - he tries to be there but you can see he finds me draining at time. You’re definitely not alone. Maybe we should get in our cars and disappear for a while together and have big cries. Sometimes you just need a big hug out of nowhere and acknowledgment of what you’ve been through.
I hear you.

Take care.

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Hi Louise, I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely mum. It pulled at my heart when you said you could smell her scent on her hospital bag clothes.

My situation is similar, although I am pre grieving the impending loss of my mum. She is in the end stages of her cancer battle, but is in very poorly in hospital with an infection. Her prognosis is 3-6 months. The cancer is in kidney, lung and neck.

My husband is so bad at giving me emotional support, he is practically supportive and helps with the kids, but I found at the beginning he was totally useless.

After diagnosis and endless heartbreaking visits to their house seeing my lovely glamorous mum fade into someone I don’t recognise (she is 75 but always had her hair highlighted and had great dress sense), I would come home usually driving up and down the motorway thru a sea of tears. I’d find that I’d be putting a wash in the machine one minute and then be in a heap hysterical on the floor another.

He would hear me crying and come and say, ‘what’s wrong’ I wanted to shake him, (well punch his lights out actually), and look at him with my jaw to the floor.

I honestly had to say to him, if you see me upset throughout the next weeks or months, I just need to you hug me without saying a word.

I was in disbelief that I had to explain it to him!

He’s not much better now really, and I feel that he can’t be bothered anymore. It’s just another day of me getting upset, I get more comfort from my 13 year old daughter to be honest.

I feel sad that I can’t get comfort from him. However the only ones who really know what it’s like are my sister and dad, and of course everyone on here. My friends keep in touch and they want to meet for dinner or coffee but I keep putting them off because they haven’t been thru this yet, and so can’t relate at all x

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Hi Louise. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Losing a parent is one of life’s hardest experiences. You are brave to post your feelings here. I have found that people that haven’t lost a loved one cannot relate and it’s not their fault if they say the wrong things. You will never “get over it”. You are forever changed. The good news is that one day you will learn how to cope with this grief. I can’t tell you when but it will happen, slowly. If you feel like you need to get in the car and run away. Do it! I don’t mean run away but I do mean get out of the house and go for a drive. Cry the whole time or pull over and cry, get it out, get yourself together and go back home. When my best friend died 3 years ago I would go to work, but I could cope because I would get in my car at lunch and drive and cry the entire lunch break, get myself together and go back to work. After work, get in the car, drive and cry all the way home. It was just my way of life and it helped me to cope during the day.

People that say “just get over it” just do not have any idea what you are feeling and thank god. Someone said that to me once and I said, that was the worst possible thing that they could say to me. That is not a loving and supportive phrase. A more appropriate thing to say would be, I know you are in pain, but I love you and I could use your support now. I didn’t say it in a nice way, actually, I think I screamed it. I had had it with this persons lack of support. That person was my boyfriend and he FINALLY got it after I had to tell him exactly how to react to my grief. He just didn’t know how to communicate with me. I felt bad that I exploded on him and wish I had known that all he needed was to be advised on how to communicate with me and be supportive. I hope this makes sense.
Stay strong and know that you are helping others by contributing here. We are all here to help each other.

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