Getting through hurt and grief

I lost my husband of 53 years to Liver cancer June 2023.He was diagnosed on May 3rd and died a month later.We were all devastated.I had lost my twin sister 3 months earlier from a heart attack.6 weeks ago I was helping my niece to sort through her mom’s belongings, when I came across some letters from 2002 in my husband’s handwriting.They had been very well hidden.They had been having an affair for 2 years and my husband stopped it when I confronted him(I thought it was a colleague he fancied and she fancied him). He stated that he loved her deeply and he would find being without her unbearable,but I was getting too close for comfort.From the moment he met her he wanted her and it had delighted him that she had felt the same.
Everyone says how wonderful he was,there were 90 friends and 30 ex colleagues and neighbours at his funeral and wake.People still says what a kind loving man he was.I can’t tell anyone about what we found.I can’t hurt our children and grandchildren .My niece is devastated,as am I.Particularly since 2016 I became his only full time carer because of a brain injury he had.I would have left him a long time ago,not given up the job I loved and had a better life.I am grieving for the man I first met and loved.I don’t know what to do anymore.I don’t feel suicidal.I feel anger they got away with it and hurt they did what they did.

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I am so sorry for your situation and can only imagine how angry you are. You and your neice are bottling this all up with only each other to talk to. You have been betrayed badly yet your concerns are only for others, their hurt feelings and his reputation being tarnished.
Well, he ruined his own reputation. He wasn’t the man others hold him up to be and he disrespected you as his wife, taking everything he could whilst in reality making a mockery of you.
I would let the cat out of the bag. Why should you play the grieving widow whilst shouldering his guiltily secret? Others can make what they will of it, leave them to it once they have the facts.
I hope that you can feel a bit better soon. You need to take care of yourself.

I have absolute and complete sympathy for you regarding this issue and in all honesty not convinced that anything anyone says will reduce the pain.
For me it would achieve very little if this became known to your family and friends,it would inevitably push people one of two ways and that’s something you definitely don’t need. It takes a lot of strength to do what you are doing in allowing everyone to keep their memories of your husband untarnished,unfortunately this leaves you and your niece having to cope with the pain of doing so.
It’s also worth remembering that he chose you,whatever happened all those years ago and however wrong he didn’t leave so he must have known deep down that he loved you more than her.
It’s a tough scenario for you to find yourself in with no definite answers but for me you are doing the right thing by allowing his memory to stand.

Thank you for your replies.My niece and I have since looked through photo albums and their passion for each other we now see as hiding in plain sight.I can’t t believe how stupid I was.A lot of things now make complete sense.She was always round our house ,always waiting for us in her car.When I told her my suspicions ,she stopped all communications and to be quite truthful I enjoyed the freedom . Over time I realised how selfish and toxic she was.There are 2 more letters to read.They are from 2003.We can’t bring ourselves to read them yet.We were non identical twins.I am 5’8,she was 5"1.I have green eyes was a genuine blonde and a size 14.She had blue eyes brown hair which she dyed blonde and a size 10.I have so many questions I want but will never have answers to.I can’t bear to see his photo so the family think every time I see his face I get upset.I don’t want pity.I want peace of mind.

I’m so sorry that all of this has come too light, my own thoughts are that your sister made a play for him & he was flattered & as they say took what was offered on a plate but when it came near to the wire he choose his life with you, he knew that was real & the romantic fantasy was just that.

If he knew you’d found out now I think he’d be absolutely horrified.

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Thank you for your reply.I wish I didn’t feel bitter,but I do.I just wish they had come clean.I would have left him carried on with my job and would have had a far better life.
My poor niece would have had a better life too.
I hate him

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