Getting worse

I lost my wife nineteen months ago having been a full time carer which I would have been willing to do forever.I had just sorted out her affairs when the first lockdown started making the isolation even worse.I feel worse now that I did at the time and find it very difficult to carry out mundane tasks.I am frequently upset and tearful.I tried to get a bus into town today but had to come home as I was feeling so depressed.

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Dear steve2

I am so sorry for your loss.

I am only in the first 12 months of grief following my husband’s death as a result of a road traffic accident. I drag myself out for food shopping, frequently coming back with nothing because I cannot cope shopping for one. Also have two grandsons (both under 2) so do have to go round and child-mind. Other than that I find it a struggle. It is a beautiful day here in the North East and I am just sitting in the house. I miss my husband so much. There is nothing anything I would not have done to still have him with me now.

The love and devotion you have for your wife is clear from your message.

I have no answers to take our pain away. All I can say is take things at your pace. If you have to turn back then do so and then try again at a later point. Have you spoken with your GP to see what support there is available to you.

Take care and keep posting. Others on this site understand our pain and will give support as best they can.

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Hi steve2,

Although you probably think nineteen months is a long time, it is not at all. Today it is two and a half years for me, and although I do have spells for a short time where I can laugh a little over something my son or daughter say, the tears come every day. I still do nothing for the first few hours when I get up, then talk to myself to get myself motivated. Today is my granddaughter’s birthday, so I will see her later and smile and kiss her, but also thinking that her grandad should be here too which makes me so very sad. I still feel so sad and vulnerable, I think even more with family. Since I found Sue Ryder on here, it does help a little to realise other people feel the same - I do truly believe that until you go through this, you have no idea really how devastating it is to lose your other half. People I speak to say the usual things (meant with every good intention I know) but they are people who have not lost someone so close to them. My sister lost her son (sadly through suicide) six months after I lost my husband, so now I mostly talk to her and keep myself to myself as much as possible. We have both said although the situation is different, we both lost the person closest to us, so it is easier to understand each other. Lockdown didn’t help anything, just made everything worse. I do though, have small spells now where I can smile now and then. Please keep messaging and reading other people’s views on here. Now and then it can make you more sad, but overall I feel it helps. Virtual hugs to you xxx

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Having just read both posts I’m truly mortified to hear of your plytes. I lost my wife 3 months ago today and still expecting her to shout through. I know its not a logical train of thought but I think you have to cling onto any crumb if sanity that is available, like being on the raft at the end of Titanic, because you know if you let go there’s a bottomless void waiting for you with open arms.
I must admit personally when I have to go food shopping I get more than I need because you can people look at your trolley and think ‘aaah bless their just buying for 1’. It takes a certain amount of control to stop yourself turning and shouting ‘LOOK I’M BLOODY WIDOWED… OK’.
But I must admit my own personal OBLIVION is not letting up in the slightest. But hey, 'get yourself a hobby! Get out and about!), how about NO!!
If people could only experience this total and all consuming loss for 1 day, 1 hour even then I would hope attitudes would change very quickly indeed.
Once again, my heart goes out to you x

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The number of times I have felt like saying ‘try walking in my shoes’ but have kept my mouth shut.

I often go to bed on a night thinking it is all just a nightmare and when I wake in the morning he will be lying next to me. But of course when the sun rises it just brings another day of heartbreak.

Take care

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It’s only been 2 months since I lost my wife. I wake each morning and look at the pillow expecting her to be there. I was her Carer for the last 18 months and would rather be caring for her again rather than this nightmare. Although I wouldn’t want her suffering again. I know it’s not been log for me but can’t stop thinking negative thoughts about how she suffered etc.

People keep telling me to hold on to the happy memories, I don’t think they have a clue how hard that is.

The worst time for me is the evenings. I get out the photo albums and sit looking at pictures of our life, which again makes burst into tears and become overwhelmed. I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do, looking at pictures and wishing I could turn the clock back?

Best wishes
Gary

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Dear Gary

We all have to go at our own pace, although I have to be honest we can take two steps forward only to be pushed back to step 1 all over again.

I am a bit further down this journey - it will be 12 months in September since I lost my husband as a result of a road traffic accident. I constantly still sit, cry and go back to the day he died wishing I could turn the clock back on that day. Beg him to not go on the bike and he would still be with me now.

I too hear people telling me to hold onto the happy memories but at the moment although I can think back to our time together over the 42 years and occasionally look at photos I find it just heartbreaking. My husband had given up work 18 months prior to the accident, I was due to give up work at Christmas 2020 to start our retirement only for everything to be taken away.

I now sit alone in our little bungalow which we were close to ‘future-proofing’ so that we could spend our old-age together. There is no ‘happy ever after’ now. As you say the people who say these things do not have a clue and cannot understand as certainly for me they all still have their partners.

This forum allows us to share our true feelings with others who regrettably find themselves in this same terrible position.

Take care.

Hi,
I want to say sorry for your loss to everyone here I am relatively new to this site. My wife died in March suddenly and unexpectedly and I too have trouble everyday coping. The only thing right now that keeps me going is caring for MIL who has dementia, if not for her I would not get out of bed. The last 18 months have been terrible for us, it started with the loss of 3 of our pets last year then a friend I was a caregiver for died in January, my wife died in March and I had to euthanize our last dog 2 weeks ago. Now I am trying to care for MIL till she dies hopefully peacefully. I go to bed crying and I wake up crying and cry all day. We we married 34 years and together for over half of our lives it is too much and each day is worse than day before.

I am so sorry that things are so bleak for you and I have no words to make you better.
My wonderful husband died a year ago (anniversary on Wednesday) after 57 years together, 54 married, and I feel worse now than I did then. I think it is a cross we have to bear, but what we have done to deserve it, I do not know.
My thoughts are with you and everyone in our position. It is hell on earth, and nothing can make it better or make the pain go away.
Try to find some strength. I am trying, but it is so hard.
Take care of yourself. That’s what our loved one would want for us. Hugs x

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