Hi
I am so sorry to heat that stage 1 when we hear that we think its going to be ok. Just so so awful. It is so hard. Like you said all those years and hours and minutes snatched within a few moments.
I was told today by one of my partners friends to take a day at a time. But said it is hard but you can get through the days but at your pace. Thisnwas a lovely widow of 83. I repeat how are we suppose to function or want to. I somehow wanted to be on my own these months but its still there the feelings of deep sadness and disbelief. When back at work in 2 weeks time. I have asked if people do not ask me how I am as thats the worse question. I cant answer that can I think of your worse night and times it by a trillion and again. And thats the beginning. My partner stood up and moved from a A and E bed to a trolley within moving which was 10.30 various nurses came and gave injections for pain. Within 2 hours I watched her take her last breath. I have been in care all my life i hqve never seen someone go so quickly.
We do think we have lots of time we just think we are going to grow old together as thats what people are suppose to do. Look after yourself with scampsx i have jack bisconpoo and lou black cat and 2 ferrals who are now on the bed asleepx
Hello busker
I have read your post and I am so sorry.
I only have to read your words to know absolutely how dreadful you feel.
Your Helen was so lucky to have a wonderful man in her life who clearly loved her to bits.
I know what that feels like as my Sam adored me. Now he is gone my life is as nothing.
Where do we go from here what is left for us now.
I have my Sam’s ashes here he is on our hearth and I have lovely candles around him.
I also talk to him all the time .
People call but my visitors are less now.
Sam passed away 18 weeks ago and I had absolutely no idea he was going to die.
He went into hospital they said he had a chest infection which went to pneumonia.
I thought he would recover we had both had the
Pneumonia jab.
Then he was gone the love of life just went off and left me.
I have a brother who rings me every day and a really special friend who I talk to every evening as I know that is my worst time.
I go out every day with my dog who is my little
Saviour and I chat to neighbours and other dog walkers.
I have no children.
Nothing though like you say will ever ever
Make the longing the despair and loneliness
Go away how can it?
I want someone to explain to me what it is I can do to help my self, all of us
Sending you much love Doreen
Oh, Dol1. Your Sam sounds a bit like my Bill.
Bill spoiled me rotten and I would have given him the world if I could.
Not to have them here anymore is heartbreaking.
Bill developed pneumonia and because he had little or no immune system he couldn’t fight the infection.
I went shopping this morning and all I could imagine as I was going round was Bill, on his mobility scooter nipping round with his list and me catching him up. I don’t know how I managed to get out without the tears
Like you, I don’t have any children. Bill had a son and daughter and they have been supportive but they have their own families.
I guess all we can do is put one foot in front of the other and one day at a time or even hour by hour.
It’s almost 11 weeks since I lost Bill and still the tears flow. It’s like turning a tap on and not being able to turn it off.
At least we know we’re not alone in this
most heartbreaking situation.
Will it ever get better. At the moment I can’t see any way forward.
Sending you and anyone posting on here all my love and lots of virtual hugs.
You have been through a truly terrible time my friend and I am so sorry.
We have a lot to cope with deal with and just now try and live with our reality.
I feel so much sorrow for the things planned simple things that we never now will do.
Taken away just like that.
I really can’t believe it but obviously it’s true there is nothing anyone can do and I know that.i I walk around our lovely home and beautiful garden and I cry and cry as we worked and scrimped and saved to reach this point in our lives now it’s just me here all by myself.
I cry out loud in the hope he hears.
I too have sold his nearly car and was gutted as I watched it drive way.
I hope for answers when I get my complaint goes in
Love and comfort to all
Much love to all our friends
.
Hi
I am sorry to hear this. I lost my partner on 19th june. I was troubled seeing her car on the drive. Our jack biscon kept sitting by it. I started it a few times but that made upset and confused myself. I didnt know what to do. It was killing me inside so I contacted the garage it came from many miles away. So I would not see it again. That day was very painful. I cried myself to sleep. I knew if it stayed there it would get more depressing. I also did not not want strangers coming and driving it up and down and making comments. At that time it was the right decision. You did what you thought was right. I know it wasnt much we got for it but I did not want people bringing it back. It broke my heart letting it go. I am still on june 19th when people say to me ohhh it gets better maybe for them I still am in deep shock and disressed and cannot think beyond this afternoon. Some friends i have noticed avoid me because thats all I talk about. We should be out now shopping or going to a recycle centre simple thing’s we enjoyed took them things for granted oh how I wish they were here again. X
Hello rosiejack
I know exactly how you feel.
I am also stuck in the black hole of the date of my Sam’s passing which is 10-30 tonight .
I cover the clock face as I keep looking at it in dread.
Certain people I know are fed up with me talking
about it.
I know they don’t know what to say but I also know this is coming to them and then they will be walking in my shoes then.
Some friends have been really supportive with texts and phone calls which I look forward to.
A very good friend of many many years speaks to me every single evening for hours we just rabbit on she knew my Sam for 43 years.
She just listens when I talk about him .
We talk about many things.
She told me not to look out of the window as my Sam’s lovely car was driven away.
It had his private plate on with his name SAM
He only had it six months.
Of course I did look out the window and it absolutely broke me as I saw his car with his name on just drive off.
Dismissed him that is how I felt.
We had so many plans just like you nothing fantastic.
Just to say shall we pop to the garden centre have a wander and a coffee.
Shall we go to the Beach and take our dog and get fish and chips.
Now all gone.
How is it possible to miss so dreadfully such simple things???
I am on my own to know we will never ever do these things again is just agony.
I know all of us will feel this and I am so sad and sorry.
Heart felt wishes and comfort to every one.
Love Doreen xx
I
Ho Doreen
I will be thinking of you aat this time.
Your right people sadly do get fed up and you hit the nail on the head (when it happens to them). I too am struggling due to a change in the weather. If things were different there would be a lovey meal cooking and she would be on the phone laughing and having a good time as we would have been out. All I want to do now is just turn in. Work in a weeks time. That will be so difficult. I was in the office a while ago this woman asked this chap how his wofe was doing as he turned around to talk to her she was chatting and laughing to other staff. His wofe has a brain tumour. I placed my hand on his shoulder. He acknowledged me. This is what I dread. I sense I will takong plenty of 5 minute breaks. I am already thinking how on earth am I suppose to get out of this but cant without her so cant move on. It is good you have really nice people as suport. Hope this continues for you. X rosiejacks
Rosie jack
Thank you so much for your kind and understanding reply.Think of me and my Sam at 10-30
I am thinking of you and your dread at return to
Work.
Try and think as I have started to do of our loved and very special one at our shoulder.
Hard to do I know and if love alone could keep us alive we would be together for ever.
I know my Sam is here I feel him and I talk to him.
As I believe this for myself it has to also be true for you.
To know now I will never see him again is just truly heartbreaking and somehow I never thought this day would ever come.
I know you feel exactly the same.
I wish you comfort .
Love Doreen
Same here. No family, though I do have good friends. 11 months and I thought I was starting to do ok, but suddenly the fear and anxiety have got a lot worse, and I’m much more lonely than in the first few months. He feels so far away now.
Whats painful now is all the films we watched together.
It is getting worse. Life is going along isnt it. I don t want to accept it. I feel like my feet are not touching the floor. Off balance. Tinnitus has got worse cant shift it. One week before back to work. Am dreading it. Time is flying. I really dont know how people can move on. Really dont sorry to repeat to you all. Just that family and friends well lets just say it gets abit thin x
Hello rosiejack
I hear and understand what you say…
I can’t watch recent movies etc and stuff on catch up which we got settled down to and binge on it.
Just wonderful lazy nights with crisps and chocolate and a few glasses of wine
Now no more and never again.
Things have changed here.
Lots of friends and family have slowly drifted away I really do appreciate the help and support
I got when my Sam passed away.
It was such a shock still is for me.
I seem to be frozen in that time.
Of course those people who helped they have just moved on with their life and I know they have to. They do not feel the grief shock despair
Loneliness.
I know those people liked and were fond of my Sam and also of me.
He would have been proud to see so many people rally round but disappointed now to see
Some family members in particular just fade away.
I can’t imagine how hard it must be to get back to work.
I am finding having to do everything now especially hard.
Simple things changing light bulbs ,knobs coming off drawers ,trying to find all the chargers for the garden equipment only Sam knows where he has put them.
When people, neighbours ask me how I am doing I used to say I’m fine.
Not now I have learned from all of my new friends on here to own my grief and say how I feel.
Trouble is I realise people feel awkward and actually don’t want to hear that.
Fortunately and gratefully I still have a brother and best friend who have stayed the course.
I hope you still have special people in your life.
We need people we can rely on who will be there for us.
I know from reading on here some of us don’t have that and some of us older and less active
are having a truly terrible time having to somehow cope.
I know the phase and advice one step at a time
But really how to do it for me is not working.
I feel as if I am going through the motions of life
as if on some sort of hideous autopilot that I can’t switch off.
I have the news on 24/7 for some sort of company I can’t watch our regular programs
Or listen to music as it catches me out and I cry.
Sorry for rambling.
Sending comfort to all of us . Doreen xx
Hi Doreen.
I can fully relate to films,tv programmes,music etc,my tv is on permanent rubbish I don’t really watch,and yes family and friends have rapidly disappeared into the ether,struggling is now a daily byword,although I must confess the good people on this site gave me cause to smile and even manage a laugh yesterday,brief though it was it did bring some relief.
Sending love and comfort.
RonX
Hi Dol1 and Ron
The TV is company I agree but like you say the programmes are painful. Some friends again like you say are ok but do drift off like they try to change to subject sorry to say that there’s only one subject I want to talk about. This is because I can not believe it. Remain stunned to the core. Dreading work. As I know what will happen people will slip and I will blow so know I will be walking a lot when there. I know what you mean about partners knowing where things are. My partner dealt with all the paperwork. This alone is so much to get your head around. I am now still writing myself lists and jobs to do. However much easier to go to bed. However hips beginning to hurt due to amount of time in bed. So making a huge effort to be up. Found myself smiling this morning watching Frazier as she loved and I loved watching these over and over again then felt terribly guilty and then had a breakdown. I spoke to 2 lovely older widows last week they said that they are lost in grief too even tough it was going to happen. I went into auto pilot in the early days going to the tip never knew I had the strength to load the car so many times, then stopped and thought she is never coming back no matter how busy you try to keep yourself. Like some one said until it happens to them friends wont know what it is like. It isnt getting any easier still stuck on 19t June. Dol1 its good to talk to us as we understandx
I was quite lucky (if you can call it that) my wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer three years ago,she passed this year in April,I took care of all the household finances,and then the chores,which gave me a bit of a head start on others who’s partners passed quickly and unexpectedly,I was still very much unprepared for the sadmin and grief,and still trying to struggle through,the guys on here though have been lifesavers.
Hello Ron it must have truly terrible for the both of you to hear that diagnosis.
Living with that .such a strain.
You sound such a strong and positive person
Clearly coping with that.
I didn’t know that my Sam when he went into hospital poorly with a chest infection would be
dead eleven days later.
I still can’t believe it.
I go over and over everything and can’t make any sense of it.
I talk out loud to him and go down our memory lane recalling things out loud.
I don’t know why I am doing this .
I must sound like a crazy lady.I want to remember out loud our lovely life together so he can hear me.
I wonder am I nuts does anyone else do this.
I know I have mentioned strange things.
A few weeks ago I received a parcel not expecting any.
It was a set of lingerie in pink simply lovely
My favourite colour.My size which is not average.
Addressed to Dolores , Sam’s name for me.
I checked with Marks n Spencer and they had no
record of it.
I don’t know what to make of this.
Sending you comfort.
Doreen xx
.
Hi Doreen.
You are neither nuts or crazy I do it all the time,believe it or not I take the last pair of jammies she wore to bed with me,I incessantly talk to her picture,ask her advice,if I am eating something she liked I apologise to her for her not being able to have it,so no you are not,unless we all are.
Sending comfort and love.
RonX
Not crazy at all, Doreen. I talk to John all the time; in fact, a lot more than when he first died. I still have his warm fleece hanging up, and hug it, and ask his advice about the many house problems that keep cropping up. I threw out some of his old beer glasses the other day, and apologised to him! So I’m crazy too.
Hi Ron
Thanks for confirming I am not crazy.
I was just thinking if every one could gathered up in a huge meeting what would it sound like
pretty noisy by all accounts .
Don’t know if any of us watched last night’s
episode of coronation street where Paul died due to MND.
I was absolutely overwhelmed and cried buckets
to see that the acting was absolutely magnificent. To also realise that this is actually
happening to people .
I cried for myself my Sam who can no longer see his lovely home and garden.
To look around and feel so desolate because he is not here anymore. Now an empty char in the corner.
How can losing just this one person in your life
have this devastating effect.
We all know it’s going to happen but I don’t think any body really believes it.
Much love and comfort to all. Doreen x
Hi Doreen.
No confirmation needed,we are all going through this nightmare and struggling,
No didn’t see the program I just tend to have the tv on rubbish programs for background noise at not watch it.
You take care and have as good a day as you can.
Love Ron.
Wow, what a sign
I think we all talk out loud and wonder if we’re crazy.
I have had a few signs. Too random to have been coincidences.
I actually thought he was hiding on the landing just now. I kept catching movement out of the corner of my eye while I was drying my hair.
So now who’s going crazy 
It was probably my hair I could see 
Sending hugs
X x