I am nearly 1 year in from losing my beloved husband.
Everyone says I am doing really well as I am doing exercise classes and seeing friends and have booked lots of holidays (on my own or with my sister) but it all seems like a front. I feel like I am just putting time in and doing “stuff” just to pass time as I can’t bear to be quiet and not active as I go straight back to the hospice bed where we (me and my stepsons) sat with Peter while he slowly died of kidney failure after major sepsis during horrific chemo to deal with secondaries.
Every night I go back to the same place and all I see is his loss and the pain hits me again. People say it gets easier but it isn’t for me.
We went through hell to be together and we had both finally found our true soulmates and, thank god, we had alot of good years together but I cannot forsee any future for me other than travelling alone with my memories. I feel lucky that I am able to travel (covid notwithstanding) and the only person I can spend time with is Peter so I am better alone but I really don’t want this to carry on and can’t see any end. The boys are very good but they are dealing with their own grief so I try to be supportive if I can but am not sure what I can do as I feel so numb myself.


Hello Gill, I am very sorry about your loss and I know all about that brave face. When we loss our soulmate life changes forever and it takes us longer to comes to terms with that lost which is hard for other people to understand. You will find it difficult and it will take time but you do somehow get use to the feeling of being alone.
I am really pleased that you can and are going away on holiday and going with someone is great. It isn’t easy on your own, I have done it and some have been better than others. Just take a deep breath and you will get through. You come across as a brave positive person and just need to relax and remember that Peter will be proud of you and will always be with you. Take care S xx

thank you, being on my own isnt easy and i struggle in the evenings when I am too tired to be busy but I am hopeful that I will get used to it. I know Peter would be proud but that doesn’t really help yet. At least the days are beginning to stretch so I can be busy in the garden in the evenings.
Thank you for your comments but I don’t feel brave at all.

I’m in the same timescale as you and my husband died from cancer. It took me a long time to get his last days out of my head but I kept thinking how peaceful he finally looked when he had passed away with me at home. Just the two of us, as it always was.

I totally understand you saying that you feel like you’re putting on a front.
Sometimes I’m out with friends or family, keeping active and I come home and think “what am I doing? Is this my life now?” It’s so unlike our life together used to be.

It’s hard but we will get more used to it I think as we simply have to don’t we? (I don’t mean that to sound harsh)

It’s such a hard, extremely difficult journey we’re on and none of us are exactly the same, but I hope that by reading through other posts on this site, and putting your own thoughts down, that you do feel slightly better by realising that unfortunately we’re all in this together.

Take care

Thank you Janey, you are so right. Perhaps we are strong even though we don’t feel like it most of the time.

We don’t have a choice so we have to get on with it and it helps to know that I am not alone with these awful feelings.

All the very best

Gill xx

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