Give me strength...

Oh my Lord, I read on here of people setting themselves targets each day. Tiny though they may be, they set them anyway. I’ve been trying to quietly adopt that strategy. Today I got up ready to complete some necessary paperwork that I’ve ignored for a few days (the target I had set myself). I completed as much as I was able with the information I have. I then went to get the required certificates to be included with the completed paperwork only to find that in a moment of madness last week after being sick to my stomach of being given the ‘bereavement advice’ booklets, and the like (which seemed to be given to me everywhere I went) I had thrown them all away (intentionally) but, today I realise along with them I have thrown the death certificates! Clever aren’t I…!!!

Consequently, I just had to ring and order them all over again, less than two weeks after obtaining them in the first place. Safe to say the poor lady at the end of the phone deserves a medal for understanding one single word that I spoke to her, I was sobbing so much.

I don’t recognise this person. What has always been the very capable me is now an inadequate, pretty pathetic excuse of a someone who appears to have lost all common sense and capability of dealing with most things. I’m fast losing the will to live!

Try to be easy on yourself. Forget about paperwork for today and do something nice like going for a walk and clear your head. The paperwork will keep to another day. We have all done this. I needed to renew my passport and sent the old one to the wrong address they now can’t find it and I will have to start all over again. I just think now what’s the worst that can happen because it already has happened to us in losing our soulmate everything else pales into significance. You are capable of doing this you just don’t feel it. It’s only a short time after the funeral if I’m correct for you and I found the few weeks after Margaret’s funeral really hard.
Please take care

Thanks William. I just expect more from myself than the way I’m behaving at the moment. I just feel that if I don’t do the paperwork sooner rather than later I’m going to get myself into a mess.

I appreciate you’re right, the worst that can happen, already did!

Thanks William. I just expect more from myself than the way I’m behaving at the moment. I just feel that if I don’t do the paperwork sooner rather than later I’m going to get myself into a mess.

I appreciate you’re right, the worst that can happen, already did!

I know just how you are feeling. I lost my husband of 38 years just 8 weeks ago and despite being his carer for 6years & therefore dealing with all our paperwork, banking etc…now my head is a total ‘shed’, to the point I really feel like I’m loosing the plot, paperwork is a nightmare for me!
On the funny side, yesterday I took the dog out for a short walk and could hear softly playing music all the way and it wasn’t until I was almost home that I realised that the music was ‘following’ me because I hadn’t turned the radio off on my mobile phone when I had put it in my pocket when I left home!

You’re exhausting me just reading how much you are trying to achieve!

Unless there is a legal deadline or you will lose out financially - there really is no hurry x you don’t need this added stress x

Thank you tortoise. I guess I’m trying too hard hey! xx

I set myself a target today, to walk up to Walla Crag from Keswick. The getting up there was fine but then I decided to descend to Ashness Bridge which, with my dodgy knee, was quite difficult and involved complete concentration to the exclusion of anything else. It’s similar to another descent I did last year and that also involved total concentration. I mention this to show that in certain circumstances our brain can switch off the usual brain chatter. It may just be a bit extreme for some people but there are other things that necessitate high levels of concentration. I find I can become totally absorbed when painting or drawing.
As for the title of the thread. Sorry, I’ve none to spare. Totally cream crackered.

CW13 - there’s nothing wrong with trying. Do what feel’s right for you, no-one else x

Hi there. I too don’t recognise the person I am now. I feel so lost and useless. I wonder what good I am to anyone. My darling Brian doesn’t need me anymore. Tonight I stupidly looked at the birthday cards he had sent me over the years. He tells me how much he loves me and thanks me for getting him through another year. Now he’s gone and I feel I let him down, I couldn’t keep him alive any longer. I have no reason to be in this world but somehow I do keep going and finding strength from somewhere to get through each day just as we all have to do. Everyday I feel I have to push myself, keep on the move but today I had a meltdown because I couldn’t cope with a simple thing. Tomorrow I have to start the planting of seeds for the allotment and don’t think I can cope with it, but that’s tonight, tomorrow I have to make that effort. It’s all so hard isn’t it.

Pattidot, yes it certainly is very difficult. I’m absolutely sure your Brian does continue to need you. Don’t ever think he doesn’t. He needs you firstly to carry on in this world, he needs you to carry on remembering him, carry on loving him, carry on talking to him and, I presume, because of your wording in your response, your ‘need’ to plant the seeds in the allotment, that he needs you to do that too!

Pattidot go plant those seeds. For Brian. Hugs for you x

I too use my walking to make me concentrate on something other than my grief. I will have to go out and find the harder walks now just as you have. Make my brain focus on something else. I am so frightened of becoming so tired that I won’t be able to keep going. Sometimes I think I’ve reached that point then another day looms and somehow I dig in for more strength. Hoping that one day I will get some peace, some acceptance. Brian has left some half painted canvasses, drawings ready for painting and his stencils perhaps I’l give it a go and complete them for him…

Only seven weeks from my partner’s death but now I have started to set myself challenges.
Yesterday it was to walk to the top of Pen y Fan, the highest point on the Brecon beacons.
A glorious day so the views, I thought, would be stunning.
For company, my son’s two small dogs.
We made it, slowly admittedly, but it was an achievement for all three of us!
The views were breathtaking, miles of stunning scenery in all directictions.
Descent however led to thick mist, this is not the place to be when you are unable to see more than a couple of feet in front of you!
Very carefully we inched our way down, there was no room for error. There was also no room for memories, grief or anything else, purely concentration on not falling from a great height!
Then the mist lifted, the relief was tangible and I felt more alive than I had done for weeks.
I think we might all need a challenge and a sense of danger to test ourselves now and again.

Your experience seems to bear out what I was saying. It’s quite amazing how something which dominated our thinking can be shunted sideways when the need arises.
I’ve never been up Pen Y Fan but I’ve always wanted to and Mid Wales is on my list for this year so I will probably get up there.
I do walk slowly as well. I’ve a long standing knee problem which got worse when I spent less time walking and is now improving. I can walk alone at the pace I choose.
Do you still feel exhilarated by your accomplishment?

Guess I feel happy and proud that I completed the walk without ending up in hospital!
I know I need to carry on with different experiences and challenging myself.
It might be easy sometimes to slip into the won’t bother or there’s no longer any point attitude.
Determined not to do so!

12remember and YorkshireLad, you are both great, and very well done. As a keen walker myself I am out and about regularly but haven’t attempted the tough ones yet. I tell people that walking makes you feel so good but do get some weird looks from people that won’t walk even a short distance. Your so right it’s all about pushing yourself that little bit further, digging deeper. I went back to the gym last week after a five month break. True, I cried and was convinced that I couldn’t do it, but as I walked out one and a half hours later I felt as if I was walking on air. I had tested myself and had done it. I am so with you 12remember I have no intention of slipping into a can’t be bothered frame of mind. If that happens then I’m done and will become a pathetic old woman. Not ready for that yet as much as I miss my beloved man. I think he would be surprised if I did slip, he knows me better.

Well done to you as well Pattidot!
Excercise certainly makes a difference to the frame of mind.

It certainly does. I wish more people would give it a go. So many people say to me that they can’t walk like I do. I always say to them “Do you ever try”. Their excuse is full of excuses always 'their knee’s/hips etc. etc. Well I have problems also but keep pushing believing in the saying ‘if you don’t use it, you lose it’. 2017 was a difficult year for me but I’m out there again now. My chiropractor said ‘no wonder I had pain, he would have problems if he did as much as I do’ and my walks had to be quality over quantity now. I have taken his advice and cut down on distance and managed to enjoy my shorter walks. At least I’m out there walking. Fortunately I live in a wonderful area for walks or all degree’s. Gave up cycling last year as I wanted to have my dogs with me at all times.

Well it looks as though we are all going to keep walking, keep pushing ourselves to new challenges and, hopefully in doing so, keep going forward against the grief which could drag us all down given the chance!
Enjoy walking your dogs Pattidot!

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