Give me that darn phone....

Losing a partner
1

Hello there,

I just wanted to share a thing that happened on 8th November. For those who don’t know me, my beloved husband Tom died in January 22. Before he died, we were about as close as any couple can get - constantly in touch - linked by love and two mobile phones that Tom bought in a deal in 2020, just before he became seriously ill. These phones were our lifeline, our connection when he was in hospital for 8 months with cancer, alone for most of that time, because of Covid’s visiting rules.

My handset blew up about 18 months ago, so I swapped my SIM into Tom’s. It remained my link with him. Lots of photos on there that I had forgotten about and others, too, taken by him when he was so ill, in the hospital and by mistake, as his faculties failed him. It was itself an insight into his suffering and loneliness - Covid visiting meant I could be there only 1 hour a day. For months.

Anyway, this handset was long out of contract and starting to fail. I kept meaning to go Vodaphone and upgrade, but just couldn’t finally part with it.

The phone became more and more cranky - yet I hung on to it - just not ready to say goodbye at all.

Then, the day I was leaving for the Middle East on a holiday with my widower friend, it happened. I was in the loo, fixing my hair before the taxi came to take us to the airport. I reached over to get something and… the phone fell from my shallow pocket and into the loo… Argh! I snatched it out quickly - but the damage was done… The phone spluttered, fizzed, got very hot, then shut down.

Strangely - I was relieved. The decision had literally been taken out of my hands. I realized at once - the phone was not the link to Tom, I am. My memories and my never -ending love for him.

I trudged up to Vodaphone when I got back from holiday and am now the owner of a fancy new phone that is, my dear reader, ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS!

I am sure that Tom knew I needed a push on this, so came to see me in that loo and, exasperated, snatched it out of my hand and flushed it himself - “just give me that phone” he said, “for heaven’s’ sake…”

When you need a push to do something, friends, Tom’s advice is - just flush it!

Hold tight, everyone, there are brighter days ahead.

Your friend,

Vancouver xx

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I’m waiting for my ‘push’…
Not quite ready to get rid of N’s phone or laptop yet, but it’s coming!
There are days when they feel like a chore, and bring no pleasure…
Hugs x

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Hi @Vancouver ,
That’s a beautiful thing, realising he will always be with you in your memories :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:. I think to some degree we all keep things to remember our loved ones, it’s understandable, sometimes to loose something of theirs, it can feel like loosing another part of them, but your right, it can’t take away our memories. I’m glad to hear you’re looking on this with such positivity.

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@Vancouver This is so topical at the moment for me! Six weeks ago, my husband took his own life. I still have his phone, and I was just talking to his best friend yesterday saying I was 'just going to hold onto it ’ for a little while more, to make sure no more calls/msges came in.
The truth is that for me, his mobile will be the ‘last’ link to him I suppose, and I am just not ready yet.

I think a lot of the challenges we face may be connected to us having to make that decision. And so, of course, if something happens outside our control then that decision has been made for us, thus relieving us of making it.
It is of course perfectly fine to hold onto ‘things’ if that is what brings comfort. There is no right or wrong.

Good for you! (PS I hope the holiday gave you some happy memories).
Best wishes.

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Vancouver it is as if you knew! I was feeling quite discombobulated tonight having contacted my Darling Husband’s phone provider and closing his account and phone number this afternoon. He has been gone for 6.5 months. So imagine my surprise seeing a) A post from you (another gift of hope) and b) You talk about your Husband Tom’s phone. Thank you x

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@S_Diva - my dear, I know both of those feelings, the weight we carry when we are left behind. The moment to release them will come, as it did for me - for now, hold tight and keep going x

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@OnlyMe2 - I really feel for you in your loss - that is all so hard to comprehend. You are right - there are no absolute Right and Wrong ways to do things - only what feels ok to us as individuals, at the time. Hang on tight there, my friend - the road of grief that we walk is a long one, but thanks to this site, we go together and there are many people to meet and talk to along the way x

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Hello @MrsC.x

Thank you for your post - I know how you are feeling and many others here will, too. It is a strange world we inhabit now, as widows and widowers, inching along. That said, I have gained so much from the past 2.5 years, in ways I would not have imagined in those early days and weeks. I am stronger, for sure, more confident and can finally distinguish what really matters in life. To get here, I just kept plodding on - blessed with the company of you and others on this site, propping me up, cheering me on, holding me tight - the whole nine yards of it. Have a good Wednesday, my dear friend and keep posting - you are helping so many of us keep going along x

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It’s different for everyone of course but my Dad would say “it’s just stuff.” The memories and emotions can be heavily linked or entirely separate

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Thank you Vancouver x. We listen and learn from yourself and others who have moved forward for longer than us with their loved one in their heart :pray:, It’s always with an awareness that you may also still need kindness and arms around you.

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