Glenda heartbroken

I am 52 yrs old and now a widow. MY husband was my world my breathing apparatus to life .He helped to rebuild me from horrors from the past and made me a better person…He wasn’t particularly poorly ever .odd days here and there off colour.Then xmas 2019 arrived and he had lead legs .completely exhausted. At first we put this down to his stressful job…but he was always tired
So after 2 weeks for drs appt They didn’t like sounds of various things .Fast track to hospital appt. Some weeks later diagnosed with Bowel cancer.I will never forget that day.I ran crying through the hospital and screaming when I got into the carpark. Our world had been shattered. WEEKS later we was told hubby had stage 4 bowel cancer but was curable but would had to have a bag for life. Bitter sweet…We had to wait for tests and more scans and then Covid hit .We were so scared…No words can tell you how much …A month passed and Chemotherapy started …We kept reassuring each other we would get thro this .I would a bath off and sob my heart so hubby couldn’t hear as he hated to see me cry …Time went on a scan missed .Then he got sepsis …The pain he was in traumatized me for life .In the end he had to go into Sue Ryder Hospice the pain was unbearable and he died 3 days later in july .I relive that time every day…I cry constantly. I have panic attacks .Struggle to cope with shopping. Started to self harm .I needed another pain to take my broken heart pain away .I scared .ihave shut off from most people. My brain has gone into a fog ., whilst my heart continues to bleed. I truly believe I will die from a broken heart.The only way I can cope and keep myself safe us by sleeping the days away until I can be with my beloved again .I have been living on cereal, sandwiches and biscuits for last 6months. The house is a mess .I am a mess .It feels like hes died a few seconds ago .My Gp has been good .rings every week. On lots of pills .Had cruse bereavement for 2months and they have said they can’t help me .I need specialist help.So have been referred to mental health team.where I have been diagnosed with Complicated grief/PTSD.
I am stuck and I don’t know how to move forward…

I also have complex grief, so I know how you feel. My husband died in September, which shattered me. Do you have any friends or family who can support you? You might think they are distancing themselves, but I am sure that at least some people are very worried about you. I talked to a friend I meet whilst I walk my dogs everyday (it’s my dogs who, in the early days, kept me alive). She said, ‘oh, my God, I don’t know what to say.’ She went on to say, ‘you’ll find people avoiding you, because you are their worst nightmare.’
That is true. But it is also true that people out there do care for you, as your GP clearly does.
At your worst times, please try to call the Samaritans on 116123, a free number. There might be a wait, but they are always there and they will listen to you and try to help. I am sure that when you talk to the mental health people they will be able to help you.
Please try to stop harming yourself. At one stage a few months ago I found myself screaming and wailing and literally battering the stone kitchen floor. My oldest dog ran to help me, the other two came and snuggled up to me. They stayed until I, with my bruised fists, got up, dried my tears, made myself a cup of coffee and took them out for a walk. If that is

…sorry, I got cut off, not self harm I do not know what self harm is. You’ve done the right thing in joining this group.

Please take care, have a cup of coffee and a biscuit if that helps, and do whatever you want. I think that in the early days of grief, we all do that. But also, there is a time when we have to get back to life. And I hope you can do that.

Christie xxx

Hi my husband died December the 5 From Covid
Don’t no some days how I get up
I have bad thoughts everyday how to kill my self
Days seem to be getting worse Xx

Thankyou you for your response
.My friends I rarely if ever hear from them…Life goes on for them .Home schooling and their children keep them busy …People just don’t know what to say. I CAN’T talk to anyone without having a major meltdown. So I have closed off .I cry so much , hours later turn into bad headaches. I suffer from menieres disease. Stress upset being tired are just some of things that make situation worse. When I am real bad I can faint like I did In September on an escalator…Only way to cope with this is to lay flat and still. Be totally quiet as the pain in my ear can be awful. I have been told it will stop when I go deaf …My hearing has deteriorated since my hubby died.The thought of being out side puts me in a panic…I have been suffering with these to the point I fainted in November. So both my grief and menieres rule my non existence life …Mental health team say until I let my barriers down they can help .I hurt so much.i have encased myself in steel. And I am stuck in it .I found myself self harming after I have done it .Which I know sounds peculiar…I can’t remember a thing my days are either a sleep or staring at the clouds…Completely lost .Don’t know where I belong .I just want my husband back …Some days I feel that I will have to end my life to stop this pain

Sorry to hear your loss…I never would have believed the pain you feel in your heart is so intense. When they buried my husband.they forgot to bury me…
I feel your pain truly I do .

Just been sitting down the cemetery for hours
The pain is unbearable
And family or friends haven’t got a clue how we are feeling
Unless they lost there husband xx

Every person’s grief is there own and no one can or ever will understand. I went to my hubby grave yesterday and took some flowers.I sat in the mud in my night dress with a coat on , just crying and crying…I put the night dress on ;on Sunday. I haven’t washed and I am still covered in mud and coffee stains .I look in the mirror and I have aged .I don’t know who this person is in the mirror. Nothing matters anymore to me .I feel your pain in your heart although circumstances are different of our husbands have died .Every tear that falls are much the same as mine .

The pain is so unbearable
I am still in bed waiting for doctor to ring
As I need some help quick
Not sure what they can do
The dark thoughts in my head are really bad
Getting chest pains and pins and needles in my arms

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Sweetie I know that feeling too well…Its like having a panic attack.
I am on Diazepam. Prozac and sleeping pills .If I get 4 hours asleep at night I am lucky …Its ok to cry , so I have been told.The amount I have cried I could fill an ocean. MY DOCTOR rings me weekly ,partly because of meds I am on .They can only prescribe a week at a time and partly to see how I am …I am tired all the time .Have no interest in anything .If you have a bubble whether its family or friends let them come .Even if it’s to wash up .They don’t have to speak. Pour your heart out .Do you have children? I have had to get up today and wash .Which seemed like a monumental task in itself .I am having to sell the house .So boiler man been and now waiting for surveyor…I haven’t a clue how I am even going to pack house up .Just seeing hubby’s new boots for xmas while h never got worn and never will sends me spiralling down into a pit I can’t seem to get out…Its a brave step ringing the doctors. Be proud of that…
I know how that feels. I hope she can help .Be thinking of you .x

Just spoke to doctor she said I need some extra help so today
Someone from the mental health is going to call me
I do have 2 sons one as his own house 30 min away in a car
Other son is at Sheffield uni he home at the min
But he will be going back soon
I just can’t feel this pain for much longer
It doesn’t ease it just gets worse xxx

Feel for you having to move
I will move at some point
The thought off moving Andy things I can’t bear that
Went mad at cemetery Monday as they had taken andys flowers off
That’s for me to do not them but they said they have to do it

Sorry sent that text to myself I can’t think at all xx

Sorry sent those reply to myself xx

I sadly agree .I feel worse now than before. I am exhausted .I just want to curl up in a ball and hide underneath the bed or a table .Glad some one is ringing you .Didn’t doctor prescribe antidepressants? .Mental health team will come out to assess you…then you should be prescribed some meds to calm you …
I haven’t a clue how i am going to sort house out .got a buyer .Got no help .and i am scared to hell .i have written my will out just incase i can’t do anymore of this life …I hope you can get some comfort from cruse …Have you rung them .They did help alot of people. Unfortunately for me didn’t scratch the surface …At least u have one son at home for a few more weeks at
He must be hurting too .and too see you broken. BOYS / men keep their emotions close to their heart…Do you talk to him and ask how he is feeling. CRYING together is better than crying on your own …let me know how you get on with crisis team who will come out .Your sons need you whether you think they do or not …They would be devastated to lose you and their pops …Try and do a hour at a time .that’s what I do …when I am really bad its 15mins at a time

Tom my youngest at home he been crying a lot bless him
And I am no help to them as I cry all the time
Before my husband passed if I would off heard about you I would off help you with moving sorting stuff
And been there to support you
But now all I can help you with is a text and a always here to text me xx

Cruse bereavement is a 6 months waiting
Had rainbows thru work
She ok but it doesn’t really help

Will your doctor give you antidepressants…keep pestering them…Rainbows never heard of them .don’t give them up…Just getting out of bed is an achievement…Washing you’re hair …Don’t be too hard on yourself either…If the you don’t wash up .so what .if you don’t clean the house so what …I shouldn’t be encouraging you not too…its early days…There’s so many people in need of counselling for so many reasons …Don’t think about tomorrow. Its too much .hour by hour …day by day …its so so so hard .I don’t know hour I am even here .Infact I can’t remember the last months …

Thankyou…I found writing down how you feel whether you are having a meltdown pour your heart out into that paper …it does eventually help u calm yourself. TURN THE PAGE OVER. AND DON’T READ IT
It doesn’t matter if you never read it but …in some years when you are stronger then read it …You will have tears no doubt but you can then see how far you have travelled on your journey.
This I did when I lost my nan a few years earlier…it does help …
When I am in complete panic and crying struggling to breathe pacing the rooms and have no one I can talk to I write to calm myself…
Keep talking to your son even if you cry together .Hold him tight .you don’t even need to speak .just hold in …X

Sad sunday…I’ve read all the messages on here today…its a sad sad day for us all…I wish we could all get together …noone understands our pain…I’ve been told by certain people not to come on here…they think its morbid and making me worse…that’s when the anger kicks in…a year on do they think I can just forget…I saw my husband go thru the worst pain I e ever seen and I’ve lost my family to cancer…so all weve got is each other I wish we could leave our telephone no…I dont see anyone for days unless I’m in the field and arrange to meet a friend to walk our dogs…but when she moans about her husband and this lockdown…I cant speak…I’d give anything to be in lockdown with my man…love to you all xx ann…n ps I’m in bed with my dog I couldnt get thru this without him