My mum died on 3 March. She was 64, and a long term alcoholic. I spent my entire adult life trying to help her, but cut contact in June last year. The guilt and regret I feel about that is colossal. I spent her last 7 days with her in hospital, and was able to speak to her but she was too unwell to communicate as her lung had collapsed. Two weeks after she died we had a long scheduled ‘trip of a lifetime’ booked. Everyone told me I should go. It was her birthday while we were away. I arrived home on the 29th, spent Mother’s Day preparing the venue for her wake, and had her funeral on Monday 31st. Due to her time in hospital, the amount I had to do in the period after, and my holiday I have already missed 5 weeks of work and feel like I should be going back. Yesterday I did an almost full day, and I can see there might be a benefit in having some structure and distraction, but I feel like I am not coping. I work from home.
I have a meeting with my manager at 11.30 and am not sure what to say.
I am functional e.g. eating meals, keeping up with personal hygiene, taking the dog for a walk. I fall asleep ok but wake every morning at 4.45 to 4.49 replaying her death or now panicking about her body being in her grave. I feel consistently sick, exhausted, headachey, lightheaded and my fingers tingle all the time. I have intrusive thoughts that come out of nowhere and cause me to break down. This morning I have had episodes of crying that have caused me to have to sit on the floor while out in the woods. But if I am not working I am just home alone feeling terrible. My husband and close friends are back at work, my siblings have returned to their home towns.
How do you know whether going back to work is a helpful distraction or you are not ready and will make things worse?
I’m really sorry for your loss! You’ve done far better than me though, I lost mum 26th Jan, her funeral wasn’t until 14th March, and I spent 5 weeks off work with my brother arranging and sorting everything (which seemed to take an age).
My boss told me I had run out of sick and annual leave so if stayed off I wouldn’t be paid, so I went back a few weeks ago. I work with kids in care so it may depend on your line of work but I was definitely not ready to go back. I didn’t feel like I had proper time to grieve and I didn’t really care about what I was doing. Yes having to get out of the house and speak to other people etc was nice but I’m not in a good mental place.
I had a meeting with my manager and they’re completely supportive, referred me to occupational health for counselling etc but if I could take more time off I definitely would’ve.
Once again so sorry for your loss and sending good vibes to you!
Thank you for your reply, and my heart goes out to you too.
I am sorry you ad to go back to work sooner than you were ready for.
Luckily my line of work is knowledge based, fairly non-reactive, and my work are being supportive. The time I have had so far they have just given me as compassionate leave, which is 14 whole working days and very generous.
Your comment has made me wonder if I should just ask for some more time, perhaps as annual leave, or consider getting signed off for a week or two just to take a breather and get myself together. It’s been 5 and a bit weeks since she got taken into palliative care, 4 weeks three days since she died, but it’s been a whirlwind up til now and I almost feel like the clock only started on Tuesday morning, waking up the day after her funeral.
I think it’s great that you’ve even considered going to work. I think whatever you do, there will always be an option for time off if your mental health needs it.
From my experience my grief over my mum has taken me to places I never thought about.