I lost my mum at the end of November after a long illness and was signed off work for 6 weeks. I agreed to go back after Christmas (today) thinking I would be ok, but it was awful. I barely got anything done, cried loads, felt exhausted and not one person acknowledged my situation. Nobody, not even my line manager or HR messaged me or welcomed me back (I work remotely).
I’d already not been enjoying my job or even line of work, and now it just feels pointless and that I don’t want to be there. Everyone advises not to jump into anything after a bereavement though, so I feel like I need to push through. But I keep thinking about what to do… change jobs, leave the industry, retrain, but the thought of it all, including even just doing my current work feels so daunting and exhausting it’s beyond me. I had 34 years of my mum’s disease to deal with, the last 10 or so were caring quite intensively for her and now that’s gone, it just feels like everything has changed and nothing that I did before matters any more.
So sorry for your loss! I know they say don’t make big decisions right after, but if you’re in a situation that makes you feel worse, that to me is a different thing. Can you get more leave from your current work so you recover for a while longer? From what you describe, you weren’t at all ready to start when you did.
Thanks Ulma for your reply … Yes, I suppose I could go back to my doctor and ask to be signed off for longer. I thought that 6 weeks off seemed almost excessive though and if I try to take more it’ll look like I’m taking advantage. It’s silly that I’m worried about damaging my reputation or losing my job while at the same time not caring about it at all!
I think probably the first couple of days back are always going to be the worst, because your mind has built itself up to the event and is probably in a high state of alert. So your concentration will be all over the place and your emotions at an all time high. Dont expect to just go back and jump straight into the swing of things, be kind to yourself.
It may be worth considering talking to your manager about starting back but on reduced hours initially, so that you are less exhausted and it feels more manageable.
If its not a job you want to do long term, can you view it just as a temporary stop gap to help pay the bills whilst you now take time to decide what you want to do instead? Life is definitely too short to spend it doing something you dont enjoy.
Youre the best judge of how you feel, and depending what sort of work you do just how critical it is for you to be at the “top of your game”. If you find it IS too much then dont be agraid to get signed off again if you need to.
Not silly at all. Reduced hours, like Ally suggested, might be a better option right now. Try to see if they are ok with that. I hope it works out for you!
I went back to work ridiculously quickly after my daughter died in February (as did her sister and my partner). I actually couldn’t bear to be at home as I felt ‘useless’ and I didn’t feel being by myself was a good idea. I work with children which was hard at times but also made me feel like I was maybe making a difference to someone’s life.
However, it has been tough as I speak about my daughter a lot and I think some of my colleagues find it a bit awkward. I don’t regret going back so quickly but I have decided though, to take a step back as I realised that I was working constantly and it was inevitable that ‘the crash and burn’ would happen which it did in November. So I am going back to a slighter different role this year, with less responsibility, and to give me time to process and grieve.
I really don’t think there is a right answer to when or if you should go back to work. Grief is such a personal journey. I believe that what is important is that you do what feels right for you at the time.
I’m really sorry to hear about your daughter, that must be really hard and I can imagine going back to work was tiring at the very least, even if it was something you wanted to do. Glad to hear that you’re able to go back in a slightly different role, really hope that takes the pressure off you x
I ended up after day 2 of being back at work, going back to the doctor and getting signed off for another couple of weeks. I cried for nearly 24 hours, didn’t sleep at all and my sinuses were so blocked from all the crying I could barely breathe properly and had a terrible headache so there was no problem getting the doctor to give me a new note.
I sent the sick note to my line manager (who still, after 2 days hadn’t got in touch with me at all, not even to say hello). Unfortunately they sent a very perfunctory and cold reply back so it’s got me worried and feeling guilty but hopefully it passes and I can relax for the rest of the time I’m off. I got the impression they thought a total of 8 weeks was excessive
You tried, which is good, but it’s ok that you couldn’t do it. If it’s too early it’s too early. Be kind to yourself and try not to feel guilty. They might think 8 weeks is excessive, but that’s on them, your health now is the most important thing.
Thanks Ulma for your reply yes I’ve got to try to remind myself of that… Better 8 weeks now than longer or even leaving in the future. I came back on Tuesday to hear a lot of my colleagues were made redundant while I was off with a second wave of redundancies coming soon so I don’t think that’s helped, but I can’t force myself to work through this for fear of being “put on the list” - for all I know I might be put on it anyway!
It probably contributed and no, you can’t force it, that might end up with you crashing completely instead and that’s even worse. We just have to take each day as it comes now. Hugs!
Im so sorry that things didnt work out for you returning to work - it sounds like you did the right thing getting signed off again, and it shows your employer you tried but youre simply not ready to return. Such a shame managers are not more supportive in terms of keeping in touch - ive worked in HR and managed my own team so it always saddens me when i see people treated like this.
Thank you Ally, you sound like a very compassionate team leader and I’m sure the people who work with you appreciate it. I’m a bit of a worrier and it’s not nice to feel like the goodwill has run out from my workplace but like you say I showed that I really did try and it feels like the right thing to do to give myself more time
You were right to request more time. I’ve just been signed off for a 3rd month after losing my Dad. I also share your concerns about my reputation at work, but we are all so different in how we grieve and I knew time away would be better for me than going back too soon.
Thanks Isolde, it’s reassuring to hear about other people’s experiences, it really is so individual isn’t it? It feels sometimes to me that we’re expected to fit into categories and schedules etc. when human beings really don’t work that way. I’m so sorry to hear you lost your dad but glad to hear you have been able to take this time
Even though I have been back at work since my daughter died in February, I am off at the moment due to the Christmas holidays. I am due back to work on Monday and am working myself up into a bit of a state today. I think it’s the thought of everyone saying happy new year and people talking about how much they enjoyed the break with their families.
I know I’m overthinking things but just haven’t been able to move off the sofa today (even though my partner has unhelpfully commented that he’s fed up being stuck indoors). Just seem to have no motivation to do anything today.
… Yes, I suppose I could go back to my doctor and ask to be signed off for longer. I thought that 6 weeks off seemed almost excessive though and if I try to take more it’ll look like I’m taking advantage. It’s silly that I’m worried about damaging my reputation or losing my job while at the same time not caring about it at all!
