Going out in a three.

Does anyone else feel like this? I meet up with a couple that Steve and I used to go out with . I try and be chatty, fun , like it used to be. At the end of the cup of tea, or evening I just feel exhausted from. I feel that I need to keep talking for my husband who is no longer here. I feel that I’m not enough.

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Going out in a three is really difficult. Do you offer to pay a third of the bill you can’t keep letting other people pay. Whereas it used to be half it’s now awkward. I used to feel I had to be enough for two people as there was no husband to talk to the other man and it is exhausting. I now invite couples to mine for lunch or just a visit and go to their homes rather than out where I feel like a spare. The first time I did it the restaurant table with four chairs set for three just made me want to run out and go home. Now everything is so different so I do things differently to protect myself from harm. I would never go to a dinner dance or social event as I would feel too lonely and reminded what I have lost

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My close friend had been divorced for a long time and used to come out with me and my husband all the time, it seemed like the most natural thing in the world. We used to go away for weekends together too. I never thought how it felt from her point of view. She sadly died suddenly so I can’t ask her now. The boot is now on the other foot with me. I’ve only been out with two girlfriends since and I still felt like a spare part. They had husbands waiting for them at home and I remember thinking about how ‘secure’ that used to feel. Knowing my husband was there in the background. I was coming home to an empty house. I don’t want to repeat that in a hurry. It’s bad enough coming home to an empty house. It’s 8 weeks tomorrow since he died and I’m going to hospital for a procedure, he used to come with me. I will be coming back to an empty house again. It’s so painful isn’t it? Sending you all love x

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Hi All, I get where you’re coming from. I went for a run out with my two sons at the weekend and called in a pub for lunch. As soon as we sat down, it hit me again, the empty chair, the stilted conversation, Mark was a chatterbox and now I think we all struggle to keep a flow of conversation going. I also went out with some female friends, can’t face couples yet, and the chat soon turned to their husbands and plans for the summer and I just wanted to get up and leave, it’s so hard isn’t it. Xx

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It is nearly three years since my husband died and I had hoped by now things would look less bleak. In truth they are better but in a way I don’t appreciate so for me they are not better. The empty house, the empty chair are all reminded of yesterday. I avoid going out with couple preferring to visit or have them come to me. These visits are getting fewer and I find a lot of the time the wife just comes. It is as though when the man died the husband had no one to talk to and I get that. I have just had a fall, no bones broken but sore and stiff. If my husband was still here it would be so much easier but now it just seems another thing to cope with. I have read a lot about bereavement and loss but it is a personal journey and one I can’t wait to end. So sorry you are still in the raw stage but posting on here will help I am sure.

Hi Florence, so sorry to hear about your fall! I hope you recover soon. I’ve got an investigation at hospital tomorrow followed by the dentist on Friday, (oh joy!) George always used to ‘be there’ and now he’s not. Well, I’m sure he will be in spirit. We always need our men don’t we but when we’re feeling down for whatever reason, it’s more acute. Wishing you a speedy recovery x

Hi Gilmar, no I haven’t done the couples thing yet either apart from family. We had our first family meals and I can’t seem to relax because he’s not here. It was easier with my daughter in law and her husband than my own daughter and the three kids somehow. I know you will have felt safe and protected with your sons but I also miss the fact that he always made sure he held the door open for me, ordered the drinks, went to the bar, placed his hand in the small of my back to guide me into places and treated me like a lady wants to be treated. I’ll never have that again. So it’s all more complicated than I first thought. X

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