Going through so much torment...

Just gone to pieces again, 5.45 am…Picturing the way i found my Richard dead in his armchair, mouth and eyes open, the look on his face, I keep going over the taps I heard where his hands were on the sides of the chair, his death must have happened very quickly, I just know he would have been frightened, hence the tapping of his hands on the arms of the chair which Ir remember hearing…
I am also going to pieces as I am trying my best to get people to take me out, such as to church, joining a U3A, just to stop me going mad, my sanity is going downhill, but these are places i am forcing myself to go to, to join as all I really want is my Richard to come back, I keep promising him I will be a better person…I just want him back and carry on our life together…I now have to find-force myself to make a new-fresh life without him in it…I dont even know what the rest of my future holds, I cant stay living in this home, I am totally trapped with my MS, no car, I would rather be with my Richard, I keep telling him so…

I keep catching my face through the mirror at how just sad i look, how ill my face loos, how I have aged overnight over these last 12 weeks, yes twelve weeks come Thursday, where has that smile gone? where is that glossy skin gone? where is that " good to be alive " feel gone?

Jackie…

Jackie, hello. Please don’t feel offended when I say this but I feel concerned and worried about you. I know that I don’t know you personally, but I do know how it feels when you start re-playing such distressing events or “ruminating” as the health professionals would call it. It’s such a difficult place emotionally to be at isn’t it.
I did write a much longer reply originally but deleted it as although I was trying to be supportive, it may not have been very helpful to you and I didn’t want to distress you any further.
I hope someone wiser than me can offer some advice. It goes without saying that if you feel excessively overwhelmed or distressed there are helplines you can ring for immediate emotional support but you’ll know this already. I’m just hoping you have a caring GP that you may be able to open up to on a regular basis. Hopefully one of an age that may have a bit of personal life experience rather than just a medical qualification and will be able to listen with understanding.
Keep posting. Thinking of you.

Hi Jackie,

I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds like it must be very difficult to keep replaying such distressing images in your mind.

I’m so glad that you are using the Online Community and it’s great to hear that you are trying your best to get out of the house. I hope that both of these things are providing some comfort to you but please do remember that there is lots of support available and you are not alone.
The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).

We offer online bereavement counselling to members of this community. The sessions are held via video chat and if you would like to find out more information about our a free service, you can find more information here: https://support.sueryder.org/bereavement-counselling

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or to ask if there are any other support services in your area that you could get involved with.

Best wishes,
Ailish

Ailish…
…I feel everything I try to do such as help and support, where I am living is always against me…they dont cover where I am living, or wont come out this far…

Jackie…

Hello there, please don’t think it strange that you replay his death, I do that and like you I should have done this or said that
Sorry I can’t give any practical advice but be assured all of us on this forum support and respect you, nobody can prepare you for losing a spouse, it’s like a living nightmare
My very best wishes to you

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