Good evening well today I went to work and I felt sad for the first two and a half hours then my day picked , up and I felt like my old self. So after work, I’ve been kind of anxious about going out but I didn’t want my fear to hold me back it just seems like a big scary place out there right now. so, I said to myself you know what I feel like Chinese food so I’m going to drive there go inside get my food like I used to.and leave. I was proud that I did it but then something else happened. As I was getting ready to get in my car I felt myself welling up with tears. And I thought about it as I was walking through the Chinese buffet I felt like this is what I used to do before my son died. In a crazy kind of way I felt a little guilty because I felt like I was moving forward. Just a bit Like I was forgetting about him which I certainly was not. My son and I used to go there not that often but we did go and eat Chinese sometimes. Has anyone ever felt that way? Like moving on is some kind of betrayal.
I think it’s quite normal, like you say you feel like you are moving on and feel guilty but you are NOT leaving him behind, you are NOT forgetting him, you are NOT loving him less, please remember that and try not to be so hard on yourself.
Thank you Ann yes I have a tendency to be hard on myself.
Bless you. It is entirely normal. I felt like that for a long time and couldn’t even go for a cup of coffee as I felt so guilty. I tried to think that I was taking my daughter along with me, tucked safely in my heart xxx
That’s a nice thought, Victoria. Yes, move on if you can, but you are not leaving him/her behind if you take them with you. And we do, don’t we?
Love to you all, Ann xx
Thank you for responding it feels good to know that someone else feels or felt the same way.
I think it’s absolutely normal to feel that even the small things which we have to do to move on are in some strange way letting down the person we have lost. When my dad died years ago I was only in my late teens. I had no advice or support about grieving and I remember thinking if I thought about my dad non stop and excluded all other thoughts, I was in some way keeping him alive and if I stopped doing that it meant I didn’t love him enough. My daughter died in January and I still sometimes feel that same thought. I know it’s just a thought though. The person we have lost knew that we loved them. We are left behind to try and somehow live a life at the same time as remembering them. I have joined a bereavement group (sadly they are few and far between) and some people there have been grieving for 25/30 years, but they have a life and they live it. I expected everyone there to be in a crying mess like me, but they weren’t. Surprisingly they are quite uplifting as they have not forgotten their loved ones and think of them everyday, but they have learned to live their lives, as best they can. I am now hopeful that some time I can respect the memories and love but have some space for my life. Writing this I’m thinking it sounds selfish but it’s not. With time and kindness to ourselves we can survive. We don’t have to beat ourselves up if we laugh at a joke, or even if we socialise and enjoy ourselves. On the other hand if I don’t feel like going somewhere I don’t force myself. If I’m in a social situation where I feel uncomfortable I just say I’ve got a headache and leave. We’ve been through, and are going through, a really painful experience. We don’t need to beat ourselves up, we’re broken enough already. Being kind to ourselves is not easy but when I find myself giving myself a hard time (it was non stop at first) I try to remind myself that like everyone else in the planet, we don’t get everything right all the time. We’re just ordinary people in an awful place trying to do our best. That’s good enough. Sending you kind thoughts and well done facing the Chinese takeaway. It’s a step in the right direction and no easy task when you are grieving. X
Thank you so much Neil for responding you are totally right sometimes I get in my head and my thoughts are just totally wrong ,but I think that’s my Grief Brain. I went out today to the grocery store and get some grocery shopping and it’s just weird feeling being out in public. I am not exactly sure but I think I felt ashamed. I didn’t do anything wrong but I just felt that people knew I was grieving and I have always had a hard time really showing vulnerability and always felt I was in control so it scares me that I don’t have control over this. I am sure people didn’t know but in my mind they did. Grief Brain again!
Such wise words, Nell.
Try not to overthink everything Racy. We’ve all had similar horrendous experiences, we feel terrible grief and it’s ok to feel terrible grief in our situation, how else would we feel? So feel it, and don’t ever be ashamed, you are just a normal sad unhappy mum, you haven’t done anything wrong and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.
Love and hugs
Ann you always give good advice. Thank you.
Very wise words thinking of you all love zoe
As Ann said, thank you for such wise words and we can only do our best. xxx