I wondered if anyone who has walked this path has some good advice.
Mum is in the hospice finally succoming to the cancer which started 10yrs ago. Its been a hell.of a ride with so many voctories but now shes deteriatong so quickly.
Dad started ralking about funeral.plans, my two brothers are just realising how serious the situation is, i have 2 boys of my own 2 and 5 to nurture and now the tears have started.
My dialy visits get harder, mum isnt herself and wont be again now. I see how frightened she is and it scares me.
I have the most supportive partner and friends and yet feel.so alone.
Im trying to take care of myself as beat i can.
Its just so damn hard.
If you walked this path, what would you have told yourself right now? What should i brace myself for? Whats the next big hurdle?
I dont mind words of encourgaement, warning, reality checks. I would just like as few surprises as possible!
X
Hi LO2023 - my hear goes out to you, it is the worst situation ever. I lost my dad then 15 months later my husband. Nothing really prepares you for it, sadly you just have to grit your teeth & somehow get through it. Then collapse afterwards. Just spend as much time with your mum as you can, telling her how much you love her. Do not have any regrets. Take care of yourself & my thoughts are with you. Other people on this forum may be able to offer help & advice to you. Alison xx
@LO2023 Tbh, nothing prepares you for what comes next. I suppose I wish I’d said many things but didn’t get the chance when my Dad died in March. He was in hospital & the last words I said were: see you tomorrow. The next time I went he was dying. So looking back, I wish someone had told me what dying looks like & then I would’ve known the end of life processes because it scared me & scarred me. Make sure you ask lots of questions to the medical staff. My Dad’s were useless. I’m more upset with myself that I felt he was safe with them. I promised to get him home & he died on the day that was supposed to happen. Make sure you take time out from your current situation or you’ll go mad. My thing was, after visiting, I went & had a coffee somewhere. I’m 22 weeks into this journey & I’d love to go back just to hear his voice. Take care & be kind to yourself. X
Thanks ao much for sharing. Some good suggestions here. Moment of pause after a visit especially good idea i think. Thankyou and much love dor your journey too x
@LO2023 my heart goes out to you. Nothing can prepare you for what’s to come. You just get through it somehow and collapse at the end. The only thing I would suggest is record her voice if you can. It’s the one thing I long to hear again and wish I had the opportunity to record it on purpose. I have brief snippets on videos and when I need to, I play it on a loop. Thinking of you and sending strength x
Really feel for you. Big hugs. You’re on a huge rollercoaster and things I know will be so difficult. Try to eat well and get rest so that you have as much strength as possible. There is no easy way to deal with what you are going through. I think probably the worst part is knowing if you will be there when she slips away. So many people miss that moment, because you never know when it may happen. I hope the hospice can call you day or night to let you know if she is getting close, so that you can hopefully be there at the end. I was so thankful I got a phone call at 4am, drove and got to mum in time (in a daze obviously!).
If you have a smartphone, take it with you and get video clips and her voice, and photos of you and her. Although it’s probably not nice if she’s not comfortable and looks distressed, it is something that you may wish you have for the future. Whatever she is going through, and whether the photos aren’t her at her best, she’s still your mum and you will still treasure those photos and hearing her recorded voice. And don’t forget to tell her how much you love her. My mum passed in May (I was there with her, but not sure she was aware of what was going on), but I wish I had told her I loved her a million times. xxx
I’m so sorry to hear @LO2023 of what you are going for. My Gran just died of heart failure a few weeks ago and I was the last to see her alive on a Tuesday afternoon. I assumed from what I understood from my mum that the care home would call us if they felt we could get there in time for the final moment but we got a call at 5.30 the next morning saying she had died. I’m pretty sure she went in her sleep as she was asleep 95% of the time but I wish when I was there on the Tuesday I’d spoken to the staff more to try and get their estimates on how long she had left (she’d been on the edge for days but looking back I really wish I had asked more questions). Trying to also just take 10 minutes every day for yourself to have a mindful moment. I have been using the grief pack on the headspace app and it’s really helped me just anchor myself a little bit to the present moment both before and after she died. Sending you and your family thoughts at this time
Reading your post has made me feel so sad tonight as I know exactly what you are going through. I lost both my precious Mum and Dad last year within 9 weeks of each other. Both deaths were excruciating to watch in the last few days. I cried constantly during my Mums final days, but not in front of her for fear she could hear me. I held her hand and talked to her telling her how much I loved her. I always remember one of the Marie Curie nurses as we spoke one night in the middle of the night telling me when her Mum was dying she took a photo of her holding her Mum’s hand. I thought it was lovely and did the same. Weeks later when my Dad took unwell and was given end of life diagnosis I went to pieces and couldn’t do anything. I held him tight and told him I loved him to which he smiled. Something I’ll never forget. I send you all my love and hope you find the strength to get through this.
