I know many of us on here say we have good and bad days, but just wanted to go further in detail to maybe help those who are struggling. I’m at the 5 month mark of losing my mum (my world every single day for 41 years) & this is where I am:
My “good days” may just be a sudden feeling I have where I feel like I can carry on, feel hope, and even achieve something new. Maybe I can hold mum’s things, smell her clothes, and smile at her photos, feeling warmth and love. This can be momentarily or last a couple of hours. It does not last all day. The positive, moving on feeling subsides into meh and I have a gentle rollercoaster of ups and downs where nothing is great, nothing is bad. I have moments of acceptance, but feeling the less positive side of neutral is how my “good days” are.
I know you don’t need an explanation of bad days. Just briefly, they either start upon waking with that dreadful realisation of “oh… it did happen… I’m living my nightmare” and that feeling lasts all day. Or at the end of a day I’ve managed to keep busy, the dust settles, and that feeling creeps in and consumes me. Haunting images creep in to my mind, the “what ifs”, the guilt, all the bad stuff. It leaves me shutting out the world and waiting for the feelings to subside.
I think this is my new reality and it’s one I must learn to live with. They say you have to grow around grief, and boy it’s hard! I just carry on, one hour at a time on the bad days, busy on the good, but always with that enormous hole in my broken heart.
Please feel free to add to this. We can all help each other by letting others know they’re not alone in their feelings. X
I forgot to add “the guilt from wearing the I’m ok mask” where on the days I’m not shutting people out, I can reply to messages, add a laughing emoji to text, or speak to people in person pretending to be alright. I’m not really. It’s just a front I can use on the “good days”. The second I leave that situation, my face returns to its neutral or sad state. So additional guilt… it just adds to everything else. Urgh.
Hello @Gib79
I feel exactly like you, 5 months for me too.
I have better days where I am busy, but my Marti is still in my mind, but I can read a magazine now, I like to draw too.
Mornings I cry some days, I find mornings hard as like you say, the shock, realisation I’ll never seem him again, I feel despair. The evenings are difficult, I really miss his company, watching TV with him, eating dinner together. It’s certainly a rollercoaster if emotions.
Take care
Amy x
Both me & mum had/have craft & sewing projects laying about everywhere. 2 months ago I could pick up the things she hadn’t finished and carry on for her, but recently I just can’t do anything like that. I guess it’s the rollercoaster of grief. Just lately I don’t want to do anything creative, so I’ve been more practical. I suppose it takes emotion & concentration to be creative, so while my stores of those are depleted, I’ll carry on being Ms Boring doing the housework. Good for you on picking up the pencils, that’s very healing & productive. Any type of art has therapeutic properties, so I’m hoping I won’t be too far behind you. X
Gib79 you say it so well and I totally agree with you. It’s 6 months for me since I lost my Mum. I have days where I can’t stop crying and then days where I feel reasonably OK and I can interact but as you say, with that comes guilt. I don’t understand the better days, how can there be any? It makes me feel bad.
Agreed. I try to hold on to the fact that living well (but not striving for joy) will carry on my mum’s memory with pride and dignity, but it just doesn’t stop the all consuming sadness which has taken up residence in my body. It’s like an unwelcome house guest that just won’t leave.
Take care, and thanks for reaching out. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone. Xx
X