I heard on TV this morning about Good Grief Week which is currently on.
Something was pointed out today that I felt was quite profound.
We chat to everyone we can and there are no inhibitions shown when joy is experienced when a baby is born, and rightly so. It’s the beginning of the circle of life.
However, when someone dies people are informed, the funeral happens but general conversations and celebration of that person’s life is muted after the funeral for fear of upsetting the bereaved.
I want to talk about my husband who died in 2019, I want to laugh with others about him. I like hearing about him from others and I want to celebrate his life. It can be sad and very emotional when this happens but its so very good too just to have acknowledgement that he is still so very much part of who I am.
Death is the completion of a life circle and grief is huge, traumatic, and will stay with me forever. Talking about one’s loved one is so very important to those that grieve.
I wish we as a society were better at talking about someone who has died openly.
Heather, I wish we did talk not only about those who have gone but also about death. We find it morbid and depressing but it is very important. I had hoped with the pandemic it may have opened up the discussion but once again it is brushed under the carpet, sad. Thank you for posting, it’s an important issue. S xx
Oh Heather, you are so right. I want to talk about my husband too as he was so funny and kind and caring and could be endearingly silly and I miss him more than words can say.
I am lucky that my brother & his family love to talk about him, as do our friends. Unfortunately not long after he died I took his sister a birthday present. Her 39 year old daughter & family were there and no-one even mentioned Ian, not even a cursory “sorry for your loss” . I was heart broken all over again. He’d been such a good brother and uncle and had been forgotten already.
You are exactly right when you say “he is still very much of part of who I am” They are and always will be in our hearts
Thank you for posting this @Heather7. I am sorry you find yourself without your dear husband, its a difficult road to navigate as you know
I want to talk about my husband all the time, there is no occasion when it’s off limits
Really that’s all I have left. I hate hate hate having to pretend everything is OK when it’s so far from ok
I think about my big guy & our lives together over our 42 years constantly and am alone here constantly with these thoughts, so being able to talk about him helps me, even if I end up crying. How can you recover/heal from the loss of your soulmate & 42 years together after only 10 months ?
Thank you for your replies all. I agree that the whole subject of dying, death and grief needs to be more of normal conversation.
I’m sure if this was all more openly discussed our hurt when friends and family don’t mention our loved one who has died would lessen and people generally would be so much more comfortable around those who are grieving.
I will continue to highlight my feelings on this subject and hope in some small way it helps to get people talking more.
I miss my husband Duncan so very much. He was with me 40 +years. I find adjustment to living on my own has been very difficult even with the support given by family and friends. Little things like cooking for one, shopping for one, waking up on my own, coming home knowing you’ll be on your own etc etc etc. are so foreign for me. I’m adjusting buts it’s slow.
I don’t think that people have necessarily forgotten your loved one who’s died, but I think often they don’t know what to say.
Having said that it does feel, 8 months in my case since my mum’s death, that family have moved on. Although I spoke to her best friend yesterday who said that she misses her every day and being able to share things with her.
Sorry for your loss and I really get what you mean .
I only lost my darling Dad two months ago but already I feel everyone else has forgotten about him apart from me I don’t think it helps that I was an only child and although my Mum is still alive they were divorced years ago so she obviously doesn’t want to talk about him like I do .
My husband and children hardly mention him now and it really upsets me . I’ve mentioned it to my husband who lost his Dad twenty years ago but it hasn’t really made much difference .
I do talk to him every day telling him whats been happening but I just feel I’m grieving very much alone.
I also find that people are reluctant to talk about your loved on e that has passed. It has been 4 months since my husband passed and even my sons I find are a bit reluctant. I talk about him to them all the time. I think everyone thinks you will be upset but I would welcome anytime for anyone to me tion him to me.
Yeah you’re exactly right there . It really helps to talk about him but people don’t know what to say and think it will make you more upset .
You are SO right, Heather. My husband Bruno died suddenly on May 30,2019 at the age of 81. I actually feel that I am still in shock! To your comment, it has been disturbing about how certain groups of people just don’t mention him. His family is Swedish (he was still a Swedish citizen and not a U.S. citizen even after living here since he was in his early 20’s). Swedes celebrate Christmas Eve with Tomten (Santa) arriving in person at the home. On the first Christmas Eve (2019) at his sister’s home NO ONE mentioned him. My sons and I just didn’t feel like challenging the silence, but we were sad about it. The same thing had happened a few months before at his cousin’s Labor Day party. Not a word. I know that they were mourning too, but no one mentioned him.
On the other hand, Bruno and I have volunteered for 25 years at our Catholic Church in Connecticut to be catechists in a Montessori-based religious formation program for children ages six to nine. My catechist colleagues talk about him all the time, even toast him at dinner parties. Just last week, at a catechist thank you dinner in the church hall, we were talking about him to the new pastor and standing next to the food table. He decided to toast Bruno! Funny thing is that as we all touched our glasses together in a cheer, the ceiling lights dimmed for a few seconds. Funny thing!!
I agree Heather I talk about my son and his silly ways and openly cry because I was lucky to be bought up to be open . But some friends have dropped of the face of the arth since the funeral . Try and have a peaceful Christmas c
I talk about my husband all the time and I like to listen to people who stop me and tell me what a friendly man he was when I am out walking my dog. I loved him when he was alive and I still feel love for him now he has gone and the memories of being with him bring me comfort. Nothing can take away my happy memories and I like to dwell on those rather than think about the loss which sometimes overwhelms me. It is early days for me and happiness felt impossible when he first passed away but you have to find a way to deal with the situation and my way is keeping busy and being physically tired at the end of every day and when I go to bed I can take my hot water bottle wrapped in his “t” shirt and quickly drift off to sleep.
Thank you. My mom passed away on Oct 10th, 2021. She was my best friend. My family and friends, want to know what I am going to do next? I think I am still in shock. My cousin said it’s time for me to get back to work. I was a caregiver for my mom who had dementia. It was full time 24/7 for so long, years.
Why can’t we talk about death? People now avoid me altogether or the topic of my mom.
Hard to grieve in this atmosphere.
Let it fly, talk away, I say
Alone Again Angie in Fullerton
Hello again all. Thank you for all the responses to my original chat. We all so onviously feel much the same and it’s very comforting.
With Christmas nearly upon us, its lovely to relive memories of Christmas in the past. It’s often a topic of conversation with family and friends now.
I hope that for us that have had a dearly loved one die in recent weeks, months and years we are able to all talk about our wonderful times had at Christmas in the past, with friends and family without feeling that perhaps people might be uncomfortable if we do.
The general feeling that death is a taboo subject of so many is still an issue. I wish it wasn’t.
Thinking of all at this time. This is the 3rd Christmas without my soul mate Duncan. I miss you my love, so very much.
Here’s hoping we all have the love and support around us for this holiday season of celebration, merriness, joy and giving.
Wonderful post Heather! Know that Duncan is right there with you!! But you probably already know that!
My Bruno seems to love light flickering and dropping quarters in my path as his way of showing his presence. My computer magically gets fixed sometimes and when I am searching for a name or title of something, suddenly I have it. Funny things!
I too hope everyone will have warm holy days of their own at this Christmas time of year!
And also all the holy days that everyone celebrates!!