I do counselling unfortunately it isn’t helping. I hear it has helped others. Do you work or support group’s?
Hello Vicky,
It’s good that you have some family nearby to give you company and support - it is also important to feel needed.
Maybe some of us are destined to be alone after our bereavement. I have always been on the shy side and my wife gave me the confidence to be more sociable - I feel I could become a hermit quite easily now.
Best wishes,
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Hello Cat6, have you talked to your doctor about not sleeping? It must be playing havoc with your wellbeing.
I have just started counselling - I’ve had 2 sessions so far. I think it might be helping - it certainly felt good to speak my mind about how unhappy I am without having to play it down for the sake of others. That is also the good thing about this support forum.
I am managing to get good sleep and I know I’d be in an even worse state without it. I push myself to take long walks every day to tire myself out.
Yes but I have medical issues. No sleeping pills work. For me the counselling seems to trigger me. I am in bed sobbing
We were together 40 years married for 37 of them. He passed two days after our wedding anniversary which is the 21st June- the longest day of all days and he passed on the 23rd. It’s as though he wanted to hold on for one more anniversary with me even though at that time he was at the stage that he didn’t even know what day it was never mind our anniversary so that is something that will always stick in my mind. I’m 63 this year still a baby according to some people but too old I feel now to be venturing into new things having my granddaughter keeps my mind young and no doubt I will be in demand when the new grandchild arrives. Just so bittersweet though that Jay is not physically here to see it all but I try to content myself that he will be somewhere around the universe watching.
Hello Cat6,
I still feel like your doctor should know that you’re struggling with sleeping. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It sounds incredibly hard. I hope you’re able to find the right support - you deserve to get care that can help. Have you got any other support from family or friends?
Some my son my dad not really close friends. They just don’t understand. The doctor said I am too hyped up I need to relax. I can’t
@Rjay reading your post was like you were writing about my husband ! I lost him age 65 15/4/24 I was age 56 , heart attack living room floor , again paramedics got a pulse back , critical care team jumped in ambulance , stents fitted , then two days in ICU where I then had to watch him die over again when they turned the life support off !
And again not that I would contemplate suicide , but I don’t care now , I was on a train going to me home town of Liverpool last bank hol august , the train was very over crowded, they cancelled a previous train and the amount of people on that train was dangerous the young girl next to me said “she was scared we were going to get crushed “! And I said “well getting crushed at Bristol Temple meads , is not really what I wanted on my death certificate , but it that’s it, then so be it “! She must of thought I was a nutter ! They say after the first anniversary all the “firsts “ are done ! Well I am finding out in life there are many firsts trying to get through life without your soulmate x
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@Jane15
I am so sorry to read your heartbreaking story. It is indeed very similar to my story and I’m sure there are many others with the same sad story. You are a little further on than I am but, in terms of a lost soulmate, it is still early days. I’m 73, going on 74, so the prospect of ‘moving on’ is both unlikely and undesired. Widowed friends and relatives have all told me that you never stop missing your partner but you do learn to live with it, which is what I am aiming for one day at a time.
I’ve had a spiritual outlook on life for a long time and my wife’s death has strengthened that belief. People say when they lose a soulmate that he or she took part of me with them and I certainly feel that, but I have begun to notice something else. Not only do I feel my wife is still with me, I speak to her every day, but I’m beginning to think she left part of herself with me. For instance I’ve started to like the foods she used to like. The things she used to do around the house come as second nature to me. The washing machine for instance, never touched it before, but I instinctively knew what to do, which was handy to say the least! My wife organised the domestic filing system, so when I’m looking for something I just ask her and my attention is drawn directly to it.
Admittedly they are subtle signs which could be coincidence, but it happens time and time again.
Life is harsh but for a lifetime couple it is likely one will be left bereaved, because the only certainty in life is death. The only way to avoid that heartbreak would be not to find love in the first place. I was very lucky to find my wife and I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
There are so many of us on this website all suffering the pain of bereavement, if only we could put our heads together we might be able to come up with some coping strategies to ease the pain a little.
Thank you for your reply I really appreciate it.
Keep posting your thoughts and take good care of yourself.
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I so agree with you… although my darling husband passed 5.7 years ago life is so hard alone and wishing you could have him back but no…yearning is awful you know but your brain doesn’t.
Love to all suffering alone. X
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@Jojay I read your post about watching life support being switched off and waiting , I too have experienced that , my husband took a heart attack at my feet in our living room and I thought he was gone then , in my heart he was , but after surgery he was in ICU for 2 days and I had to watch them switch off his life support , it was the most traumatic thing I have ever witnessed, waiting to see your partner die was more traumatic than the shock of the actual heart attack. I am nearly 16 months into the journey he died 15/4/24 , I too am in my 50’s and wish I was older so I wouldn’t have so many years left without him . I have had grief counselling, did it help ? Well I know how to avoid tiggers , but trauma counselling I have not had ? How do you ever get over watching what we did in ICU , I have no words on the experience x
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Hello Jane,
It truly is the most shocking thing imaginable - watching the love of your life, the very heart and soul of yourself, stop breathing and die. The physical change in their appearance as life leaves their body. I am completely devastated and traumatised by that.
I’m in the early stages of counselling and haven’t reached a point where avoiding triggers has been mentioned. I am plagued by intrusive thoughts and seem to be able to rustle up new ones all the time. In my more rational moments, I know we had a very good and loving relationship, but there’s a little devil in my head that keeps trying to undermine me, telling me I should have done more, been more supportive, or just appreciated every second more thoroughly.
I’m basically beating myself up a lot of the time, feeling very sorry for both my sweet wife and myself. It’s so hard. I spend most of my time at home ruminating on these things. I feel shaky about the world outside. We used to discuss every decision, and my wife was clear-headed and sensible. Now, I’m scared to make decisions and feel like my confidence has gone.
I’m hopeful that counselling will help, but I wonder if it will go far enough or if I need something more.
Sorry to go on. I hope we can come to terms with what has happened to us.
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Hi Jojay,
I don’t post on here so much these days, but like you I lost my wife to a brain tumour rather suddenly; in my case she died within a week of surgery. It was shocking, again like you she was my absolutely world. I am so profoundly sorry for your devastating loss.
This was a little over three years ago now for me. I really just wanted to try to offer a bit of positivity and say that although the initial months, really the first year are incredibly tough and challenging, it does get easier and somehow you manage to construct a new life for yourself. It’s not the one you wanted of course and nothing can ever change that, but little by little you end up building something new that’s different but works.
You might not believe me right now (I don’t think I did at your stage either), but you will get through this and emerge on the other side.
Know that I along with many others on here are thinking of you and are wishing you all the best as you navigate what is a very difficult path.
Gymguy x
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Hello Gymguy,
I really appreciate your encouraging words. It means a lot to hear this from someone who has trodden the same path. I realise that I have to hang in there at the moment however painful it is.
Thanks again for giving me hope.
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I am sorry for your loss.
Does it get easier?
Hi Jojay
I so relate to everything that you say. I lost my wife at the end of January after 46 years together and, like you each of us was the whole world for the orher. I have photos around the house, most of them of the two of us together because that’s how we lived our lives and it helps me to go back and remember the wonderful times we had together. I wish you well.
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So sorry for your loss @Jojay.
I lost my beloved wife to cancer 9 months ago so many of the heart-breaking posts on this thread resonate with me.
I cope by looking for any insights that will help me get through this nightmare. I retain the bits that work for me and think of them as my lifelines. I don’t know if this strategy will help anyone else but all I can say is it has helped me to focus on something more positive than the dark thoughts my mind keeps throwing at me.
This is one of the insightful pieces I found online. I thought it might give some hope to those who are in the darkest depths of despair.
When you’re at a low point in your life, it feels like it’s never going to end, but it will; it always does. The hardest part is not believing the thoughts in your head that tell you it won’t. The mind is tricky. When you’re in pain, it tells you things that aren’t true. It whispers that you’ll always feel this way; that nothing will change; that you’ll never be happy again. But those are just thoughts; they come and go like passing clouds and just because a thought appears in your head doesn’t mean it’s true. You felt joy before. Maybe it’s been a while; maybe you don’t even remember what it feels like but if you felt it once it means you can feel it again. That part of you isn’t gone; it’s just buried right now, covered by everything you’ve been carrying.
Just do one small thing and then another, that’s how healing happens. That’s how you slowly climb out of despair. None of us are perfect, but we don’t need to be. We just need to keep going. Small things matter and each one is proof that you’re still here; still fighting. Healing doesn’t mean you have to fake a smile; it just means you allow yourself to feel without believing that the feeling will last forever, because no emotion lasts forever. The pain you are feeling right now, it won’t last forever either. Have you ever noticed how, when you’re in a dark place, your mind brings up every bad memory, every regret, every mistake? That’s because pain tries to convince you that it’s permanent. But think about this. If you’ve ever had a good moment in your life, even just one, that means good moments are possible. They didn’t disappear. And just as pain arrives unexpectedly, so does joy.
You’ve made it to this moment; you’ve survived everything life has thrown at you so far. You’ve endured unimaginable pain and somehow you’re still here and that means you’re stronger than you realise. Pain doesn’t mean you’re weak; struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing. They mean you’re alive, and as long as you’re alive, there’s still room for something beautiful to come into your life. Right now, it doesn’t feel that way. Right now, it feels impossible, but the day will come when you’ll look back at this moment and realise you made it through. You survived the days you thought you wouldn’t. You kept going even when everything inside you told you to stop. That is strength and no one can take that away from you.
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Hello Wilson9,
There is truth in what you’ve written. Sometimes, when the storm subsides temporarily, I can experience a shift in my thinking - at least from a despairing panic to a resigned sadness. Sometimes, when I’m distracted by the company of family or friends, I even find myself sharing a joke and laughing. It’s still in there, somewhere. I know I have to hang in there. I still want to see the beauty in this world and enjoy all the treasured memories that are breaking my heart at the moment.
Thanks for reminding me how the mind is capable of, sometimes, miraculous things.
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Hello Nara,
I lost my wife in April and find photos too painful at the moment - I occasionally try to look at photos but find the grief becomes unbearable. Poor us!
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Hello Cat6. Yes, it does get easier. Please believe me when I say this, it just takes a while, quite a while probably but everyone is different. The first year is the hardest, a real rollercoaster that you just have to get through. The waves get shallower after that. For me, three years on I no longer have any waves really. At this point I have largely managed to transition to acceptance, and gratitude for having an amazing marriage and wife. Not everyone will ever experience this, so I consider myself to be very lucky (but very unlucky too, of course). I also got great joy of out small things during the time it took to get here - a film at the cinema, my favourite breakfast, a drink with friends. Small things that you can feel grateful for because they are things to look forward to - these helped a lot!
I
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