Grave Guilt

Hi everyone, hope everyone is doing as well as can be, I’m absolutely drained of life physical and emotional! I Visit my micks grave once a week and I’ve never missed a week, if the cemetery was closer to me I’d go more often but it’s the other side of the city, this morning I woke up and wasn’t going to go cos I felt so tired but I had immense guilt if I didn’t go, like mick would be looking down thinking I didn’t care anymore, :disappointed: but I pulled myself together and went, does anyone else feel like this

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Hello @Ang5, I’m just giving this a little bump for you - hopefully someone will be along to share their thoughts :blue_heart:

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My Joan died 15 months ago and I’m trying to wean myself off going to the grave where her ashes are buried,along with her mother and sister’s. In the early days I would visit every day, one day twice, now I visit , on average, every other day and take a flower from her garden.
At first I used to talk to her both at the grave and in the house,recently I have stopped talking to her in the house because it was causing confusion in my mind ,the madness of grief, and only talk to her at the grave.
I feel sure that Joan would say to me “what are you doing back here again you need to get on with your life” but I still go.
Grief finds ways to make us feel guilty and ,for you, not visiting the grave is one of them, I feel sure that our lost ones would not judge our love for them by how many times we visit the place where their remains are,they are not there.

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@bootsie sorry for the loss of your wife, i keep reading about a lot saying there’s not in their graves, just their body etc but I still feel horrendous guilt, I know nothing bad will happen if perhaps one week I
Can’t go but I know I’d torture myself for not going, I don’t find any comfort knowing he’s under the ground and I never have​:disappointed::disappointed: it’s still very early days I
Suppose, it’s good that you visit every other day though, especially since she’s with her mother and sister too, the grief journey is so difficult isn’t it

I only visit now on special occasions…he’s not there… so for me it’s a way of acceptance and letting go as I continue to move forwards. It comforted me when he first died last year but now I just sit there with nothing to say that I don’t already say at home to him. It’s up to the individual and what brings them comfort but nothing to feel guilty about as that’s self punishing yourself for something that’s not our fault

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Hi @Ang5 , my husband died just over 3 years ago. I scattered his ashes at our favourite seaside in the sea which is miles from our home. I find the most comfort is talking to him at home, the place we lived, worked and shared together.
But in my heart I know he is with me where ever I am, so it does not matter where you speak to Mick, he will know. So don’t feel guilty.
Debbie x

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Some interesting feelings in this thread, I am not religious but believe that instead of having faith in life after death, I have a profound hope that we meet our loved ones again, this is why we keep feeling that we should visit their graves and try to live our lives as they would want us to, something inside me says that if we meet again she will be upset that I failed to live as she wanted me to.
My overwhelming feeling is that Joan left me behind, which suggests to me that I believe that when we die we carry on in some way.
I think that eventually we need to strike a balance between honouring our loved ones and sticking 2 fingers up at grief and living what life we have left, brave words I know, but we can’t carry on forever like this, I know I can’t.

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I don’t need to visit anywhere cos his ashes are still here with me ! Had a bad afternoon yesterday ! Missed his support so much … its so.hard by ourself isnt it? Im glad i got some nice friends near me ! I need them really …at least they give me some support … can be such a lonely road sometimes cant it :frowning: xx

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I also believe they guide us in our life after they have gone. When somebody or someone has done something nice for me i know my husband would be happy and smiling that they had helped me … he was such a kind man xx

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Sorry for late replies everyone, been at work everyday and so drained afterwards that I just lie down and don’t move :fearful: I find going to his grave stressful and a bit traumatic if I’m honest so I’m thinking maybe to go once a fortnight instead of weekly, to see if that helps, I know he would be looking down furious that I’m going weekly for nothing, as he’s not there :disappointed::disappointed:

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