Well here I am, a childless only child in my sixties, my husband is becoming more forgetful.
I had a great deal of loss that hit me all at once. Over two years ago I very unexpectedly lost my job, I loved my job. This I found out one Thursday morning, I was extremely shocked, that afternoon I visited my Mother in hospital and was informed by the consultant that Mama had stomach cancer, she died ten days afterwards, aged 98. My mother’s mother also died of stomach cancer, though I never knew her. I was totally devastated, I was close to my Mum, she was such a kind, loving person. Everyone who met her fell in love with her.She was the loveliest soul you could possibly meet. I completely went to pieces. I developed a stammer, I also started with arthritis, a disease my mother suffered from but I think the shock brought mine on. I ground my teeth at night, I suffered numerous health problems, infections etc my resistance was very low. I was referred for counselling, which overall was helpful as it gave me some " me" time and the opportunity to express myself fairly freely.
Added to my depression was the guilt I felt about my father being left without his life long partner, I knew he dreaded being the one left alone, I feel guilty in that I was so wrapped up in my own grief that I probably didn’t appreciate how difficult it was for him. I did try my best, I ensured his home care was good, I helped reduce his medications, I got him a hospital bed etc and ensured plenty of people visited him. He was a very different character to my Mum… and could often be difficult. He very sadly passed away nine months later, at home, he was aged 102. Although he was of a wonderful age it was still a shock, he was determined to live to the same age as his General,104 , and his stubbornness would have ensured it, he unfortunately died in his sleep waiting for the doctor to arrive… who never did.
It felt like I’d never left the church, standing at the front in the very same spot saying my speech to the congregation, yet again just nine months later. It was all a blurr.
My husband was a great source of support,he really shone.
Then there are all the " practicalities" to sort out by yourself, all the bills, the house contents, decisions to make and you really don’t feel up to it.
In the last week of her life my Mum made her peace, she also said that it would be a good idea if we moved into the family home ( we’d had all sorts of issues where we live).
We decided then to renovate the family home, no one else has ever lived there, it needed rewiring etc etc and to make it feel more like " our own" we decided to extend and renovate. The project obviously takes up time and is meant to help distract ? The project is not a happy one as the builder owes us in the region of twenty thousand which we cannot regain as he has all his assets in his daughter’s name. He was recommended by the architect so we believed him to be trustworthy…We have to accept we’ve lost a great deal of money, my friend is lending us finances as the build is no way near finished…
I was totally in pieces, I developed a stammer, my health deteriorated - I developed arthritis in my joints( my Mum had bad arthritis), I cried all the time. This initial shock has taken a good time to subside, I no longer stammer or grind my teeth, I have kicked out the antidepressants and I am " recovering", it will be two years this May that my Father passed away. It seems like it’s longer and yet it also seems like a short time too. They say don’t they that it takes around two years before you see some light.
So I guess I should get things in to perspective?
But time seems to be slipping by, we’d love to be able to have the house completed, it feels like a weight, the responsibility and the exoense, and a niggling at the back of my head that my Dad died in one of the rooms there. Well, I’d appreciate others comments on what I’ve written, I’d be grateful for an outside view which may be inspiring and make me see things differently. Thank you.
Rebecca. Gosh you’ve had a lot to contend with from the shock of your Mum to the deterioration of your Dad’s health and then passing. I can’t begin to comprehend what that feels like. I can imagine that the house situation both practically, financially and emotionally has really drained you as well. Do you think you are able to put your niggles aside regarding your father passing away in one of the rooms. It would be such a shame if you felt uncomfortable there as I can imagine it was also a labour of love renovating the house as well as having its troubles. The only note of inspiration I can add is that you have endured and survived all the trauma and distress of these last few years and are so blessed to have had your lovely husband at your side throughout - do what you can to bring things to a conclusion with the house and then make the most of your Husband and your time together in these future years as they, as you know, are so fleeting. I say this as I thought my Husband would live another 20 years - how wrong was I, I lost him 6 months ago. If you think you have doubts regarding the grieving it’s not to late to get in touch with Cruse - all the best.
You have suffered too and I see that you are very much grieving for your husband, it must be dreadfully lonely to have to face life without your strength and support. I wish you strength and All the best.
Thank you for responding. The house build is a project which I suppose has and continues, to keep me busy. It is something that I have to do to draw conclusions. Whether we are happy in the house remains to be seen, it is taking up so much of our time. Take care