I was wondering if anyone had any advice as to how I can help my husband. I don’t know where to start, I would never want anyone to think of me as cold or uncaring so please know that I have been supportive every single time for 12 years and I just wonder what I can do as it’s starting to affect our little family now.
History - my husband lost his wonderful Mum in 2014 and so it’s 12 years this year. She had a very long battle with cancer and spent her last few weeks in a lovely hospice and he was there when she passed. We have always celebrated her life and tried to incorporate her into our children’s lives as she only met one of our 2 kids who we named after her also.
I understand that grief doesn’t have an expiration date and that I can’t begin to understand how he feels, but the way he behaves every time it is her birthday or her anniversary of her death or Christmas or Mother’s Day, is starting to affect our little family unit.
He turns to alcohol a lot to cope with it, and he always says “you’re lucky you have a mum” or “when you lose your parents you will see” which is horrible but I just take it, whenever I try to help him with the alcohol use and try to get him to stop. Today I caught him downing wine from a protein shake bottle in secret. Again he said it was his mum and was quite cruel to me. He made sure earlier that I had lovely cards and a gift from the kids and he cooked a roast dinner for us including his dad and my parents, but then it just all went downhill.
I can’t help but feel, it’s my Mother’s Day too, and I am a mummy to his children and will I never get a Mother’s Day where I am celebrated without it ending in drunk sadness? Even typing that sounds selfish, but I think he needs to seek help or someone to talk to. He never did and I don’t think it’s ever too late?
Any advice or just maybe ideas, I don’t know, but anything is appreciated. I hope this didn’t sound selfish, I’ve never said it before but I just wanted to have a Mother’s Day where I could be the mum and also be with my mum a bit without feeling guilty and or having alcohol fuelled comments and hiding drinking.
No. You don’t have to take that, and its time to put some firm boundaries down. Tell him this stops. NOW.
He’s offloading the grief by guilt-tripping you and making you feel bad for having your own parents that are alive and healthy. That’s not fair for him to punish you that way. You have been there for him through thick and thin, and have been a rock of support for him all these years. At this stage, it’s now becoming like he is using his Mum’s passing as an excuse to lash out at you.
Grief or not, its not your fault his Mum passed, but he’s acting like it is. You deserve to celebrate your own Mother’s Day without being made to feel guilty for existing.
And he carries on because he knows you are going to take it, and forgive him every time, so he’s using his Mum as a get out of jail free card to take it out on you, and to carry on drinking too. He knows that using his Mum’s passing is a way he can get himself off the hook. That’s not honouring her memory, and if she was alive, I’m sure she would be horrified to see her son acting this way.
I’ve lost both parents 4 months apart, and recently. I would NEVER dream of saying those things to anyone, as it’s something I would not wish on my worst enemy. Grief is no excuse to put others down or make them feel small.
Just adding further thoughts, the bigger issue is the alcohol consumption, that’s a red flag there and the elephant in the room.
The concern is, how old are the two kids? Do they witness what keeps happening? Or even if they don’t, they would intuitively pick up on a tense atmosphere in the home. How much does he drink, and is it every day, or just on special occasions?
He needs to see that his behaviour and drinking will affect the children, and will create deep lasting psychological issues for them as they grow into adults. Furthermore, as everyone knows, alcohol abuse does cause life-shortening illnesses (cancer included).
His “wait until you lose your parents” line should extend to the kids, they need to feel that luck of having a stable father that will grow into a ripe old age. If the drinking escalates, which it has the potential to, they won’t be lucky, and they will end up in the same boat as him: losing a parent at a young age - if he doesn’t wind his neck in.
Sorry if this comes across too abrasive, but he needs to get himself together, seek help for the grief and alcohol, and be a loving functioning father and husband. And he needs to stop weaponising his grief for his mother against you.
It’s absolutely NOT selfish of you to put the wellbeing of you and the kids first.