I wanted to reach out to anyone with an addiction problem as a result of their bereavement- a topic which I cant find on this site.
I lost my husband suddenly just over 2 years ago and although I always enjoyed a drink , when he died this turned into something altogether different. I used alcohol to blot everything out , to sleep, to get myself to legal appointments etc and in order to get the courage to deal with paperwork associated with his death. After 18 months, I simply couldnt stop on my own and was in a worse mess. I had to go to rehab. The rehab got me physically stopped, but it didnt really deal with my pain. I am trying to get on with my life - but when I really sit down and think about his death it still cuts like a knife through my heart.
But with the support of AA I realise that alcohol does not help- it simply makes things 10 x worse…
So my message to anyone suffering from an addiction as a result of their grief is to get help as soon as possible , as it is not a solucion.
I think that is excellent and very relevant advice, it is so tempting to use alcohol as a ‘temporary’ crutch to help get you to sleep, or whatever.
Thank you for sharing.
Xx
Thank you Willow!
I see now there are posts on loosing someone to addiction- which is another angle. I was heading to be one of those people and agree with those posts that there is so little help for mental health issues. I can now see a future for myself, though a very different one , at least i have one…
Well done for getting to rehab and continuing with AA. I lost my ex partner to alcohol dependency. I hope you find a way through this with all the support you need. As you say the alcohol blotted out your feelings and moving away from it cannot be easy but it’s worth it. Take care and well done for finding your way to this point xx
Hi Jennymac
I’m so glad you got the help you needed. Drinking excessively and or using other drugs to blot out the pain and trauma is much more common than I think people generally are aware of. It’s called a Maladaptive coping mechanism, in a way you are trying to self medicate using that socially acceptable drug that is alcohol. and if you have addiction issues on both sides of your family like I have it’s very easy to succumb. My nephew aged 6 was killed by a car. My sister tried to kill herself 3 times and her and her husband became alcoholics. Her son who was 12 when his brother died became a Herion Addict and O/D’d aged 25. Her other son who was 6 months old when his brother died is also an alcoholic who has just been given months to live due to heart failure because of alcohol abuse. When my Nephew died from his overdose I retrained as a Counsellor and worked with Substance Abusers And it was difficult enough back then to get adequate help depending where you lived. It was sometimes a nightmare tryto get a Patient admitted to rehab via the NHS Its great that you have brought this up and very well done to you for getting to grips with it. I don’t want to get all political but sadly the access to mental health support is beyond woeful and has mushroomed since Lockdown when we were all kept apart. Now the answer if you try to access Mental Health Support is to be given 6 sessions of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy coz it’s cheap. Its a)not long enough 6 sessions and b) is not appropriate for everyone but that’s what you will get offered and when people are in the grip of addiction they are not in the best place to be adequate advocates for themselves and fight for their rights. People need people to talk to and interact with them face to face, connect with them, human contact is what they need not for some distant voice on the end of a phone who will give them worksheets.
Take care xx
Hi Penny, it has taken me some time to respond to your message.I dont know what to say. Your family history of addiction is very sad. Strangely enough ,there is no history within my family.
I live in Spain, and had to pay for my rehab privately .It seems to be the same story as the UK, there is very little help for mental health of any kind, apart from medication and 10 minute chat. I presented myself in a terrible state at my gp , emergency services and was even kept in hospital overnight- but didnt get any help for my mental health/ alcoholism …
So it has been private help and AA.
I still cry for my husband everyday but i am able to function without alcohol and never want to go back to that dark place…
Jenny
Hiya
Well
Done you for getting g to the place you are but I bet you have been to hell and back just to survive. My own Father was an alcoholic as was his Father and Grandfather and 2 Uncles All of the men in his family were dead before age 40 and he also lost his two neices, his sisters girls to alcohol related illnesses before they were 50. My Dad managed to stay sober for the last 27 years of his life as he realised how many losses due to alcohol , not just losing loved ones, he was suffering, including divorce and multi job losses and ultimately his self respect. So he turned himself around BUT he always described himself as a recovering alcoholic. He did t stop good out socially to pubs, clubs etc but he never drank alcohol again. . He would have a pint of orange juice and soda water whilst all around were drinking . He never lectured anyone about their alcohol abuse. It was their life and their choices he said. He just knew that all it would take was one drink and he would be off on that downward spiral again he said.
You keep strong and look after yourself. You have come so far and like my Dad you will he an inspiration to many.
Luv and hugs to you.
Xx
I lost my amazing husband, Andy, on 15th July and have been drinking 2 bottles of wine every night since! I can’t sleep so I drink myself into a stupor instead and fall asleep in the chair!! I want to stop, and know I need to, but at present I don’t feel strong enough. I don’t drink during the day which I’m sticking to but come 8pm, first bottle is opened xx
Oh Ginger- i am so sorry for your loss. My husband was called Andrew , often people called him Andy. It is very early days for you. I am sure many people use alcohol as a temporary crutch but when it gets out of control , you will know. Alcohol just numbs your feelings temporary, but then they come back worse than ever. And it causes depression. Please at least try to cut down and look after yourself. And get help sooner than later if you need it. Controlled medication prescribed by your gp might be a better temporary solution to sleeping. Take care jenny
When will I know if I’m getting out of control with alcohol??? I can’t sleep without drinking 2 bottles of wine. I’m still trying not to drink earlier than 8pm although tonight I had a glass whilst cooking dinner. I’m still trying to cook that, as it makes the evenings slightly shorter and keeps me busier. Such a mess xx
@Ginger68 it’s good you’re on here to talk about your drinking and your loss. I haven’t drank much at all but that’s probably because I lost my loved on to alcohol. There’s no judgment here. You cope how you have to. It’s maybe a bit of a sticking plaster for you but you know it can’t heal you, you’ll have to remove the plaster at some point but it’s such a painful wound. I can understand why people turn to alcohol. Do you have other support in your life? Take care xx
Well done for you for lasting until 8pm and cooking ! 4 months in I am still not properly cooking ! And just eating shite but at least it’s eating that’s a massive improvement , re the drinking , I think you are aware you doing it like I am ! I was prescribed zopicione sleeping tablets and I try not use them all the time the the early weeks every night , it says do not drink alcohol but I would ! The early days and the day of my husbands funeral I had 3 glasses of Prosecco with a dizapan before I left the house at mid day ! It was a one off and why everyone gets you through it ! I think as long as you are aware x
My adult sons still live at home, thank goodness, and I have lots of friends who are offering support, with differing benefits! But it’s the thought of having to go into the bedroom, going through the teeth-cleaning and getting into bed that I can’t face. We had such silly routines together and I miss those so badly xx
My drinking went up when mum died. I’ve found the link between drinking and sleep difficult. Like you u i can’t sleep without drink but this goes back to my boyf’s heart attack years ago - which he survived. If you think it’s a problem it probably is. It’s how you deal with it. Mine is but I’m not dealing with it well
Thank you for understanding! I’m making an appointment with the GP tomorrow. I’ve got to stay well and drinking is not helping. I hope you get to that point sometime soon as well xx
Hope you have a positive experience with your gp and find something that works for you. I’m struggling to find what that is for me. Have spoken to gp who suggested counselling- tried it for other things it didn’t work for me.
Counselling seems to be the ‘go to’ suggestion but it’s not as if we don’t know what the problem is!!! How is it going to make it better!!! I’ve got some amazing friends who are helping immensely but also have others who are really stupid, suggesting I’ll be ready to go on holiday with them next year!!! Just one step at a time, not even one day at a time xx
I find talking to people helps too. I have found bereavement counselling helpful for processing some of the guilt I feel and struggles I am experiencing because of the bereavement. I’ve had 4 sessions so far. It’s true it doesn’t change the situation 
but I do find it reassuring to know it’s there for me. Everyone is different though, some folk don’t like it. I also don’t have many friends.
Whilst i didn’t find counselling helpful i once had a weekly check in with an occupational health nurse which did help. It was basically how are you doing this week. I don’t talk to people about feelings i keep it to my self. I don’t reach out not even to my sister or friends ive known for 30 yrs - never have and no don’t have many friends. Always go it alone. My sis and i have talked more and more openly since mum’s death. Really gld to hve found this forum