I need someone to cry with someone to hit someone to shout at and I want to know why I hurt and have this overwhelming guilt it’s killing me inside out
I’ve started taking pills to make me sleep because if I sleep I don’t hurt and my family doesn’t suffer from my depression
I’m from a broken family, dad was violent my brothers and I were in and out of care , my brothers hated him, being the only girl I wasn’t special or avoided the cruelty, I ran away from home aged 17 pregnant and married at 18 with a man who admitted he never loved me after 17 years of marriage and 2 kids,
I met my soulmate and love him dearly and we have a daughter together, married for 14 years, my anger comes from the death of my dad, I saw him around 3 times a year and he spent every Christmas with us for the last 15 years, he was on his own and I felt guilty about him being on his own constantly, he made things difficult and made us fall out etc but we held it together,
Last Christmas we decided to have a year off, I last saw him in August because we lived 300 miles away I had a serious bout of depression and didn’t get to see him , I had hoped to go up for his birthday but I had a car accident and then diagnosed with breast cancer, the last time I spoke to him was about 26th may when I told him about my car and cancer, I could hear and feel his pain and felt the breath leaving him he was broken, buyout I didn’t manage to go visit when I said because of my medication making me ill , on the 1st of June it was my 50th birthday, he didn’t call or send a card which was unusual but I put it down to him sulking about me not being there, I tried a few times after that to talk to him but his phone just rang , my brothers hadn’t heard from him and there was no reply to them visiting, I called his brother but he hadn’t seen him, I knew then he was gone, I called the police to do a wellness check @8pm they called back to say he was gone, he had a heart attack on the top of the stairs and fell down gashing his head open. That was on the 18th June , due to decomp they couldn’t say how long he was gone so only gave the date found, I know he died before my birthday because he never missed it, he last called me on the 27th may but I didn’t return his call I was spaced out on morphine
I don’t want to die and leave my family but I am torn apart I LOVED MY DAD and made sure I told him every call and eventually he started to say it back
No one understands why I feel like this about him because he was very difficult to live with and because of his past
My husband and my children know what he meant to me and appreciate him as their grandfather , I have no friends and no family near and they didn’t know him really except for their past but they were around for the payout after which really made me angry, they only saw him when I drove around when I was up there visiting