My husband passed just over six months ago. It’s been really tough not only due to his passing but also the unexpected nature of it. While he had been in ill health at times in recent years, and had recently undergone a major operation, he was expected to recover and had started to make plans for the future. He was only 52 and we were together for half those years.
He was such a big personality and the void since he’s gone is huge. I miss the daily sharing of in-jokes, his closeness, the mundane day to day interaction. The feeling of always having your back even if other pressures meant you were getting on each other’s nerves. The various touchpoints of watching shared TV programmes, choosing a holiday, listening to music, having a meal etc all seem really hollow now. It’s difficult to return to things like that alone. He’s not there to turn to when you feel the need to make a joke about what someone is wearing, what they have just done, how ridiculous someone is being etc. That’s when the tears flow.
Rereading that, it just doesn’t even do justice to what those 26 years were about. There were good times and bad but the depth of love and of knowing someone over that time is immense. I’m comforted that he knew he was loved; we told each other daily. But I still want that next conversation, a hug, a kiss, and that hurts so much.
Clearly a difficult time, as it is for all of us. Memories will be more comforting in time but, for now, they usually just drive the tears.
While dealing with his estate I’ve found a lot of the people involved to be very insensitive at a time when the utmost sensitivity is needed and helpful. Don’t get me wrong; there were some absolute diamonds who reduced me to tears with their kindness and insight, but a lot of the people I needed to speak to just walked through the process without any caring and expected me to do the same. That started with the hospital and coroner - which still shocks me - and continues to this day. It’s so draining. I want to focus on my husband and grieving him without having to pick up the phone knowing there’s a good chance someone at the other end is going to wind me up due to their ‘process’ or inability to understand.
As an introvert, the whole process has taken a lot out of me. I always hid behind my husband and looked to him to do the ‘peopley’ things. I was happy to organise, pay for etc as long as I didn’t have to deal with too many people. I now don’t have that rock to rely on at a time when I’m have had to deal with more and more people. I’m still learning more and more about introversion and the impact it has on how I can, will and should grieve. It’s been eye-opening but also helps some things fall into place and make a bit more sense. That’s oddly comforting and reassuring that I’m not losing my mind.
I’ve been pushing myself to get through a lot although I then need to go and hide and recharge. I only want to speak to some people and not others. Usually trusted ones who I can rely on to say things that won’t upset me rather than tie grief to their timeline and expect me to move along. Quite early on, a close friend asked me to not count/mention the weeks since his passing - as if it was something I could really control. I realise I run the risk of cutting myself off from others. I appreciate they care but I need to look after myself if I’m to get through this as best I can.
I’m posting this as I’d be interested in the views of others but also it might resonate with others and give them a bit of support and maybe some hope.
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Thank you for sharing this with us @Sackboy 
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. It sounds like it’s been an incredibly tough six months for you, especially as it was unexpected. It sounds like there is so much that you miss about him, even the little things. I’m also sorry that people have been insensitive at a time when you’ve most needed sensitivity.
I’m sure that your description of coping with grief as an introvert will resonate with some people on here too.
In the meantime, you may wish to look at these Sue Ryder resources which might be helpful:
- Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
- Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through
- Our Supporting the LGBTQ+ community through grief and bereavement page, which helps with specific challenges that someone who identifies as LGBTQ+ might face when trying to come to terms with their bereavement.
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support, and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Please feel free to keep posting here, and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Harriet
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