Grief and lies

I have been with my partner for over 20 years, like any couple we had the occasional ups and downs but generally we would laugh and sing and have a good time, however October 2023 my partner lost his brother suddenly in his sleep at 55, he didn’t really had time to greave as we had his mothers illness to deal with, come March she also passed away, my partner started to struggle mentally, it became so hard for him and I would get snapped at on occasions, he stopped listening to his music etc, he had put a distance between us to which I made it clear how much I loved him and would support his needs, sadly he then went on to see another woman, not sure how long or if it is still going on, she has two children (he never wanted children, we have fur babies) he said he had only seen her two or three times, one of the times he had taken her away for a weekend with her two children, she is obviously divorced, a drinker and smokes a lot of weed. she has taken great delight in sending me a facebook message giving me very intimate and dirty details of what they did, I chose to ignore these being the lady I am. I didn’t cause a row over this, I spoke to my partner on a number of occasions, I am still not in the clear as to whether he still wants to see her.

A week after losing his mother he suffered a heart attack in front of me, when medics turned up they also carted me off to another hospital with an attack of angina, from my hospital bed I was organising his mothers funeral, I was everything I could to alleviate his pain and stress, sadly at the expense of mine.

I am just so very sad and just don’t know how to deal with this anymore, I have said that I am going away for a few days and that on my return we can discuss the closure of our relationship to which he quickly quoted that I was moving ahead of myself…how do I move on, he really is pressing a self destruct button and I believe he is incredibly vulnerable at the moment and this woman knows this…any advice greatly received as I am approaching a point of no return, and I still love the silly devil too bits.

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I’m so sorry to hear of the situation you’re in, it sounds like this is an extremely hard time for you right now. Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m just giving your thread a gentle, “bump” for you - hopefully someone will have some thoughts to share.

Take good care,

It is indeed, thank you so much, it would be so easy to throw the towel in but when you have been with someone for over 20 years and you know they are generally not in the right head space you want to try and save the relationship, but understandibley there is a time to hang up the gloves.

I’m so very sorry for the place you find yourself in. Grief makes us do some really, really bizarre things and he certainly seems to be in that place right now. The thing is you cannot save him from himself. You too are clearly grieving for the loss of the relationship you thought you had (been there, done that) so no judgement intended but you really need to look out for yourself because right now he isn’t in a place where he can look after himself never mind you.
I know it’s really difficult not to feel so hurt but he needs to sort out his priorities
Take care and much love to you and your fur babies.

Bless thank you for your very wise words, yes I have taken a step back and made it clear he needs to do what he feels is best for him and that likewise I have to do the same, it kind of shook him a little, I was incredibly strong when I found out about this other person and certainly kept my head up and behaved as the lady I am, very sad this other lady could not do likewise as I received the most disgusting message from her to which she apologised to my partner for. He knows the only way we can move forward is for him to ensure he no longer has contact with this person, I cannot continue with our relationship if he continues any contact with her, I am not prepared to be part of a triangle…taking each day as it comes at the moment.

Thank you again for your lovely words, they do help in times of sadness.

My advice helps maybe when his mum. Funeral sorted couldn’t you do couple counselling when both your healths are okay 20 years a long time to let go of hope you can save your relationship