Grief and loneliness

I am realising how losing my gorgeous daughter 3 years ago on 9th has made me bitter and lonely. Trying so hard to be positive but cant get it. Pushed mu friends away and fallen out with family. It is so hard with the pain and not having anyone to share with. I think about all the times in the past I was not paying full attention to her. Being a single parent is really tough. I just want to put everything right.


You wrote in another post that your son isn’t speaking to you either, so it must be very difficult for you that you have lost both your daughter and son. Please do not blame yourself for pushing away people, you have suffered immense tragedy, and you need to be kind to yourself. If you’d like to speak more about what has happened, and what is going on, people here would be happy to hear what you have to say.

Thank you for your message. Ibe happy thing is,my son is now speaking to me. Has had major mental issues and substance abuse and is,now receiving help after a tremendous effort to get him help. But I cant mention how I feel to him as,he,is very vulnerable.

That is fantastic news that your son is now receiving mental health. Yes, he isn’t in a position for you to discuss your grief with so please keep posting here and we will help you.

Thank you. I think I am becoming paranoid. I feel anxious and a nuisance to my family. I have no friends left now as they bored with me. I dont want to chit chat. I have no interest in social life. I cant remember things. My children were my life. My only solace is my son. I would give him anything. He has had problems for years with substance abuse. We did not talk for 2 years since my daughter died as he was quite abusive. He has now admitted his habit and I thank the universe he is now in a place where he can be helped. I was so so frantically worried I would lose him too. We are now very close I love him so much regardless of the past and I could never share my grief. It’s so sad we don’t mention my daughters name. My two sisters seem to think 3 years is too long to grieve. Is,there something wrong with me. I still love my daughter so much. I just live to work and that’s all I can do. Nobody except my clients and my son talk to me. I am a carer.

You loved your daughter a lot. Other people cannot understand the pain you feel. There is no time limit on grief - three years might be a lot for many people, but if it isn’t for you, then that is fine. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

Maybe if your son did not suffer from the problems he does it would have been easier for you to get back to some sort of normality. Unfortunately, his problems have probably just made your grief worse.

Grief can be lonely as you can get isolated from your friends and family. You do a wonderful job caring for people. It’s a job which is so much under-appreciated in society, it is called a low skill job, well guess what, I can program in many programming languages, but I wouldn’t be able to do care work, I don’t have the skills to do it, and neither do most people. You should be proud of who you are, of the loving mother you are, of the love and attention you give to your patients who you care for, people who know you are lucky to have you in their life, and that alone should enable you to wake up each morning and appreciate what a purposeful life you lead.

Your message made me cry but it was a,good cry. I used to teach IT in adult education before I retired. But being a carer is something I thought I would never want to do but in one small way I can make people feel good and less lonely. Some cases I am the only person they see all day. Take care my friend

I wonder if you could help me. Being a grieving mother has put me in the role of a victim. I have really valued the help of my sisters. But it developed into a situation where I felt helpless needy and inferior. My perceptions I know which were not maybe reality. I started to try and reestablish my identity and felt a,bit bullied and controlled. It was then my sisters started to reject me and telling me how I should live my life and to stop grieving. I have been and still am a strong person but I want to live my life my way. I feel so guilty for saying that.

Hello, That’s great that you have transitioned from teaching IT to care work - both very rewarding jobs.

It is understandable how you feel about your relationship with your sisters. The dynamics of your relationship changed once you had your tragic loss, and they saw it as their responsibility to help you and look after you. In one way, they took on the role of being your carers. I guess when you tried to push back and regain control of your life, they felt you were not in the position to regain control, and were worried you might make wrong decisions, and as they were used to being your carers, they started dictating to you how you should live your life. Them telling you that you should stop grieving now was I am sure said with the best of intentions, but unfortunately it is the wrong thing to say to someone.

To bes honest I am not sure what is the best approach of dealing with this with your sisters. What are your thoughts on this? Maybe someone else reading this post can give their opinion?

Thank you for your thoughts they really help. My sister says I have hurt her which makes me feel really guilty

You shouldn’t feel guilty. You probably did hurt your sister, but that isn’t through any fault of your own. How can you feel guilty for something that isn’t your fault?

Your sisters clearly want you to get better, and most people are expected to get some sort of normality in their life after three years. This hasn’t happened for you, and that’s ok, but it is worrying your sisters, they just want you to be better, and that’s why they are probably being more controlling. You want to be treated like an adult, no one likes to be treated like a child, which is probably how it sometimes seems when your sisters end up being controlling of your life. You just want to be able to take control of your life again, and there isn’t anything wrong with that. Hopefully your sisters will be able to understand that the best way to help you is to let you grieve at your own pace and just be there for you when you need them.

Thanks for your help again. I am aware most people here a grieving and unable to respond. My apologies

It looks as if we both posted at the exact same time. I hope you managed to read my message above, and that you didn’t miss it. Yes, lots of people have their own grief to battle with and don’t have the energy to reply to every post, and some people form friendships with others on here and then just have time to reply to their friends - that’s quite nice, as lots of people here need friends. I try and reply to people who I think are lonely and not getting much replies.

I have been to SOBS and there are many people who have not got back to normality in 3 years

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How are you doing this weekend? Hopefully a bit better.

Thanks I am feeling bit better. My son came yesterday and spent hours in the garden. He’s looking so much better. I would also like to ask how you are?

So glad to hear your son is much better. Hope you are continuing to get to spend some time with him like you did last week.

Your saying that some people don’t get back to ‘normal’ in three years resonates with me. We lost our daughter just over eighteen months ago and although on the surface things look fine to other people, we both have bad days and worse days. We seem to have less and less contact with people, although that’s partly down to covid. A few have actually said that they didn’t think we’d still be having bad days, when we can’t imagine a time when we won’t …

It sounds as if things are looking better with your son but I’m sorry about your sisters. The only way anyone ever really understands is to go through this themselves and we wouldn’t wish that on our worst enemy.

I don’t come on here often, as I find it hard, but I wish you better days when the pain is less acute and that your son continues on his new path. (I find time in the garden to be a great comfort).