I lost my dad on the 16th September of this year. It was sudden and unexpected and I am struggling to cope.
I have intense sadness and anxiety and I think about nothing other than him from the minute I open my eyes to the minute I manage to fall asleep.
I assumed this was normal, yet many people are acting as though it isn’t. I feel constant pressure to get on with things and get back to normal. I was signed off work for 11 weeks and then started a phased return around 3 weeks ago, and I am struggling! My job requires focus and attention to detail and I just do not have this. I have had 2 occupational health reviews, both times they have concluded I am not fit for work but my manager, and me, have continued to ignore this advice, not because I want to but because I feel pressured from my manager, GP, and people in general.
Despite telling my GP how I was feeling and what occupational health said he encouraged me to go back to work, as did my manager. I feel like the only people that seem to understand are occupational health. Friends also keep saying it will do you good to get back to work.
I am a complete mess, I spend every day crying, I feel like my life has ended. The loss and despair and grief are so intense I’ve had thoughts of ending it all, although I wouldn’t because of my daughter, but these intrusive thoughts are still there. I can’t see the point in anything without my dad and I also can’t bear the thought of spending the rest of my life without him and feeling like this.
I suppose my question is, why are people so keen to tell you to get on with things and get back to normal? Often people that have lost people close to them as well. Who is this to benefit? Because it doesn’t feel like it’s for my benefit.
And my other question is what do I do? Should I keep on with work and do what everyone else says is best for me? Or listen to myself? I feel like I am not reliable at the minute to make this judgement, my mind is so messed up and I am wondering if everyone else really does know best.
Is 11 weeks a ridiculously long time to have had off? I’m being made to feel like I’m taking the mick or something. I also think that if I’d have listened to myself and occupational health and maybe taken another month off, got over Christmas, that I may have been able to transition back into work better.
My manager essentially told me after the last occupational review that it’s up to me if I want to go back off sick but there won’t be any phased return again and I will be straight into long shifts and without a reduced workload.
I would appreciate anyone’s advice and thoughts on this.
Hello @Elixa,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad. It does sound like you are trying to cope with so much right now and feel under a lot of pressure to get back to “normal”, when your life has been completely changed.
In terms of not having a phased return if you take some more time off, it might be worth giving ACAS a call for advice. Their helpline is on 0300 123 1100.
Please do remember the Samaritans are always there too on 116 123, if you are struggling with intrusive thoughts.
I’m sure someone will be along to share their thoughts, too. Please do take care of yourself 
@Elixa i am so sorry for your loss, and for the lack of support from your line manager. 
So it sounds like OH said you shouldnt return yet, but you have chosen to return on a phased return because you felt pressurised by your manager and GP? If you are finding the phased return too challenging then it sounds like OH may be right and maybe you are trying to do too much, too soon. 11 weeks is not a long time when it comes to grief! Its completely inappropriate for your manager to say if you go off sick again you wont get another phased return - was that a verbal comment or do you have it in writing? Your employer has a duty of care to your health and safety and that includes your mental welfare. If you have a HR department/representative i would suggest speaking to them about your concerns and getting them involved in any future discussions with your manager. And if they are not much help then Seaneen has provided the details for ACAS - thats a good option too. You could potentially suggest that your current phased return is reviewed and adjusted - youve tried it, and its not working for you, its not set in stone. Or you may need to accept that you just need more time off, especially if your job is a pressurised one.
If your GP is unsupportive do you have any other GPs at your practice that you can request to see?
If your line manager continues to try and pressurise you or say that you cant have another phased return, i think you potentially would have grounds to raise a grievance about being treated unfairly. But i hope it doesnt come to that if you have a decent HR department. In the meantime, i would suggest you keep any emails from your manager about this stuff just in case you need it in future.
In terms of support, have OH or your GP suggested about accessing either some one to one counselling or a support group? It sounds like you need somewhere that you can talk about how you’re feeling and realise that you’re not alone.
Please dont feel under pressure to work if you’re not ready- take time to listen to yourself - if youre unable to focus, too tired to work, dreading each day, maybe making mistakes then they’re all signs that your mind and body arent coping. Processing grief takes a HUGE amount of our energy, and its happening at an unconscious level even when we’re not actively thinking about it. So trying to then add a demanding job on top is a big ask.
Sending hugs to you 
Hi Ally, thanks so much for your reply. And yes that’s the gist of it, both reviews I’ve had with occupational health have recommended that I am not fit for work in their opinion but I have felt pressured off my manager and GP. The first OH review was before I went back to work, the second was after I started a phased return, and they said I have gone back to work too soon and again said I am not currently fit for work in their opinion. And yes they recommended counselling which I can access through work and I am waiting for someone to get back to me on this.
The comment from my manager about not being able to have another phased return/reduced workload was verbal! I am aware that I need that kind of thing in writing but I am feeling that things can be worked out without any grievances. Since I wrote my initial post I have been into work and it has been agreed for me to have some time off over Christmas and NY and I feel better about things.
It’s just really nice to have it validated that I am not being ridiculous to still be grieving so much and not functioning properly after only 3 months, so thank you for that. I feel like it’s so strange to have something so massive happen to you and everyone expect you to just carry on as normal after a few weeks. I know some people do but we are all different. And it’s good to know I’m not doing anything wrong, handling things badly, or acting strangely. Thanks again, you’ve really helped
I think until youve been through it you just have no idea. And every situation is different- i lost my Dad over 20 years ago and although i was completely devastated i think i was back at work within a month (with counselling support). But now ive lost my mum its totally different, theres no way i could work right now. Im glad you’re getting some time off over Christmas, just see how you go in the new year but dont be afraid to speak up after that if you feel you’re struggling.